Where Imagination Blurs with Reality

On Changing Career

2009-09-08T11:32:00.001+07:00

I think I want to learn about the proper writing style all over again.

I love writing and I think it's a shame if I waste away that little talent I have just because I'm crap at style writing.

I'm not very good at coming up with a good story or fancy word. But I think being an editor suits me. I can help edit/correct people with awesome writing skill and make sure their writings are presented in a good manner. I mean I have the basics, I always try to use the proper punctuation in every writing, I put hyphen at the right places, I try to make my writings clearer with the right paragraphs and the fact that I'm neurotic about proofreads and spellings just make me the perfect candidate, right? I just need to shape up on some grammars, tenses and writing style; and enrinched my vocabulary.

Problem is, is it too late for me to change career and learn all over again?

On Worrying about Debt XD

2009-06-26T15:32:00.000+07:00

I got my first Credit Card 3 months ago. At first I was like 'Yeay!'. It was a customer appreciation program from my bank, they offered me to make a CC without the hassle of a normal applier. I gladly accepted it, even though the limit was very very small.

Anyway, I remember my first purchase using the CC, it was a gift for my good friend. It costs me around 15% from my total limit, it was nothing. Then the next day I went shopping again and bought a pair of shoe that costs 20% from the total limit. Still not worrying. That is until my third purchase. The amount was still insignificant, but when you put all of those debt-claims altogether it makes for quite an amount, and I suddenly got a mini heart-attack thinking of how I'd pay those debts.

Since then, after every purchase using the CC, I'd immediately check the total debts and in my head I'd be counting all my savings to see if I can pay it by monthend. See, all my life I've been told all this scary things about not being able to pay your debts and how mean the debt collectors are and it all freaked me out. I'm trying to be an obedient customer and avoiding the unnecessary penalties that may arise.

Ironically, in the end I got tired of worrying about my total debts that I ended up running back to my Debit card. I mean, with Debit card I have total control of how much balance I have left and will be more able to plan my shopping budget. I guess I'm not not as strong as I thought I am in being a person that owes money. A thought occured to me once that maybe I need to raise the limit, but that would just make matter worse in monthend when it comes for me to pay the debts.

Say all the nice things you want about CC, but until I get enough salary raise, I'm staying away from my CC >.<

On the things I might never have

2009-05-30T00:46:00.001+07:00

I am currently looking at pictures from a recent old acquaintance's birthday bash.
These people, acquaintance, I say.
They're not my friends. I just know them. I used to befriend them, sometime ago, very very shortly. Compared to their whole life, I'm just merely a small spot of dust in their memory. Yet, thanks to network technology we call Facebook, I (and maybe they too, but I definitely doubt that) can track through changes in our life. Somehow, that makes me feel like I've never grown apart from them. Twisted way of thinking, I know.

Why these particular people?
Because I used to adore them. They're different. I can feel from the first moment I know them, that me and them are like-minded. They're open-minded, they're free and daring, they're chic and fabulous. They have the kind of friendship I've always dreamed about. Not the kind of cutesy, sisterhood-kind of friendship. But just the kind where everyone knows they're position. The kind of friendship where you can tease each other to just that point of understanding. Not too rude, not too condenscending. The kind of friendship where everybody acknowledge their own strength and weakness, and not ashamed of it. Where everybody is honest and not fake or pretending. Where there is no competition, and even if there is, everybody should back out and not just one giving ways to the other. I don't know, maybe these description is just too general. But I know and I trust my instinct, and my instinct says these people are fabulous in my own meaning of fabulous.

I know I'm not big on friendship thing, that doesn't mean I don't want one. I'm just too cynical that I can ever find the kinds of people I want to befriend with, and even then, who's to say they want to befriend me?

Sleeping Beauty

2009-05-19T09:36:00.001+07:00

I'm a huge fan of sleeping. Srsly.
It's funny to think that when you're a kid your parents would force you hard to have an afternoon nap, but you'd rather stay awake and play in the park. Then you see yourself today you think, I'd give anything to have a short nap in the afternoon on a hot day =P.

I love sleeping, I love waking up late, I love curling in after lunch, I love laying down after a long day, alas, I love life more.
Since I started working full time, sleeping and lazying around has become something I treassure. Like a rain in a desert. In the office I work 9-5 with limited access to the internet, and limited privacy too. Then I have night classes that stops me from being able to reach home under 9pm. Tired as I am, I'm not ready to give up my favourite activities yet, that is going online and browsing the internet, watching some TV series, reading books and my new favourite activity for the past 5 months, chatting on the phone with the boyfriend.

It saddened me that I no longer have much time to read books and ponder away after, thinking of the meaning between the lines; or slouch on the couch all day watching TV series and fantasize that my life could be as dramatic; or fix my eyes all day in front of my computer writing, listening, interacting. That's where this whole thing becomes a problem, I'd rather use the free time I have to indulge in these activities than to sleep, as much as I love it.
I'm giving up sleeping early and my afternoon nap (in the weekend) for life. I'm giving up waking up late in the weekend for a healthier life (that is if I'm not too lazy to jog around or swim). So sleeping more than 10 hours (like I always love) has become something that comes once every blue moon, if I'm lucky.

Ironically, to imagine dropping work and school and other daytime activities for a moment of lazying around feels so hard. I'm so used to having something to do that the thought of having nothing to do scares me. That, and maybe I just love to whine =P.

And after a while...

2009-05-13T22:08:00.001+07:00

Today I had a small talk with a friend who complained that she's tired of listening to her colleagues whine about their partners. Most of the whinings are how these girls feel insecure about their partners and try to implement certains rules to their partners. Rules such as no working late with female colleagues, no cheek-to-cheek greetings with female friends, decline all female clients, basically no connection whatsoever with any other female without their partners' supervision.

I used to have a couple of girl friends who complained to me too about their insecurities. These complains sounded so extreme, that sometimes I feel like slapping them. They get so insecure about little things like exes, female colleagues/friends, even their own friends. These complains ranges from "My boyfriend looks at other girls when we go out together." to the absurd and nonsensible ones like "He said our friend is pretty." You get the point. Why I said nonsensible, because saying someone pretty is normal. That doesn't mean your partner likes them.

Aside from that, I also heard a lot of cry for help from my guy friends who said their GF is to controlling. I heard them make fun of their GF's rules, or laugh at each other how they're so whipped and coward for having such a controlling GF or worse tries to break the rules and when their GF is away by flirting more with their female friends. I asked them why they do it. They said it's because the more guys are controlled, the more likely they disobey the rules. It's just how guys are.

I tried to learn from both sides of these and come up with my own rules.
1. I don't make rules with my partner. I just simply say in the beginning of our relationship that if he's ever get attracted to another girl, I'd want him to be honest with me, no matter how hurtful that might be, rather than cheat.

2. I don't mind him having connection with other females if he wont mind me having social relationship with other males.

3. If I ever feel insecure, I talk to him directly instead of whining to my other friends. And by talking to him directly means I talk to him nicely, saying I feel uncomfortable of his relationship with a certain female and ask nicely whether he could possibly do anything about it.

4. Basically I give him enough freedom and be understanding so that he won't ever feel suffocated or controlled to avoid him rebelling on me. But give him little warning once in a while to show that I won't like it and won't forgive him if he ever do something hurtful to me.

I think it's a good thing that I'm blessed with such a big heart and that I forgive and trust him easily. I'm also lucky that he's so much in love with me and we have this understanding, that he knows his own limits and consequences of having a relationship with me.

My New Site

2009-03-17T09:10:00.000+07:00

I made a new tumblelog. It's basically gonna be a place where I put my favourite music and a short descriptions on how it affects my life. Some of it are going to be personal, some are just because it's good music. It also acts as a personal journal, with less whiny posts and more music recommendations.

I've always want to make a blog about music, but I don't have enough confident =P. I guess this is a start. I'm gonna put my head on it. Srsly.

Hop on here

Dear Old Crush...

2009-03-08T20:17:00.004+07:00

We all have some good memories in high school. I had the best times in high school, there are times when I just want to time travel and go back to my high school time. Those were the times of freedom, partying all night long, rebellion, no responsibilities, no restrictions. It's like when we're in high school we can be whatever we want. We dream and we believe fully in our heart that we can become what we dream of.

If I recalled back, I used to be so naively in love too in high school. I had this crush on a guy friend, his name was Tom. He was very nice to me, very caring too, we were good friends. We hang with the same circle, went to parties together, shared drinks, rode on the same taxis, copied each others' notes in class, it was good times. He broke my heart and choose the other girl, but we were still good friends. And I for a moment (a long moment I might say) I still believed he was the one for me, that he was the guy I want to marry. He was that perfect, but it was so silly =P.

Then life came, reality began, adulthood started. I had to move back to Indonesia to continue with my studies and he went to London. We tried to keep in touch. But it's pretty hard with both of us having new friends and new activities that doesn't involve each other. We started to fell apart.

I forgot about him for a while. I had new dreams, new life, new friends, new ambitions. What I envisioned in high school stayed behind as a good reminder of who I used to be, which is a free spirited girl. Someone I'd like to be again someday, somehow.

Today is Tom's birthday. His 22nd birthday. I totally forgot about it if it weren't for facebook birthday reminder on my facebook homepage. It brings back memories obviously. But I don't regret leaving it behind. I have a great blessed life right now, I wouldn't want to trade it for the world. And so I went to his page, left him a message on the wall greeting him a very happy birthday.

That's when I found out that...
He's MARRIED!!!

Uh huh.

Shocked? Absolutely.
Surprised? Totally.

But I could only smile, as I reminisce how naive and silly I was for thinking he and I could be together. Of course it's impossible, right from the very start. So, yeah I'm happy for him. It would be nice to see him again after all this time and have a nice chat over a cup of coffee. But I'm not sad or jealous or anything.
I'm in a great relationship with an amazing guy. I wouldn't trade him for anybody.

So,
Happy Birthday, dear old friend.
Congratz on your wedding!
May you life a long and happy life together.
I wish I have the guts to jump into marriage this fast like you did =P.

Yes, I am a tad neurotic =P

2009-03-04T23:14:00.002+07:00

I just had that for dinner.

What? Diet?
Screw diet =P.

Oh, jeez, I'm totally sugar-high now. And will rant.

I have a problem with people stepping over my space. I have this invisible circle around me that I get neurotic when people (read: stranger) tries to intrude in. I get distracted easily, I find it hard to concentrate sometimes when there's even a small commotion around me.

Like today, I was supposed to finish this important report in the office when a coworker needs to find a document. She started rummaging through my stuff on my desk. I told her I'd help her look, she said she didn't want to bother me and told me to continue doing my job. Now, now. I can't even concentrate when she's around picking stuff up on my desk and just basically hover behind me. It's totally distracting. Yeah, her intention was good that she didn't want to disturb me, but stop going through my stuff. Jeez!

I got so neurotic that I stopped working at all and just watch her until she found what she's looking for. After, I took a deep breath and only then I can continue to work.

Then, later that day, I was waiting in line to exchange my E-vouchers for that Java Jazz-Jason Mraz tickets. The queue was long and behind me was a young guy. First I didn't notice anything, then he started to move around, acting restless and getting dangerously close to me. No, he didn't harass me, but just by moving around and acting restless and sighing every other time, he's disturbing the very being of me. I was trying to pass the time by reading a novel but I find it hard to do, because everytime he moves, I can see him from the corner of my eye, and I just can't concentrate.

Plus, I hate touchy people. I mean it's fine if it was my boyfriend, in fact I can't get enough of. But other people? Nuh uh!
Overly touchy people, I don't like. I mean you just know me a while, we're not friends, not family and then you touch me or get physical or act comforting by patting me or stroking my arm or walking by my side with your arm around my shoulders. Yes, I feel uncomfortable. Get it off.

What? Anti-social? Cold?
Yeah, so what?

Reunion, Reunite, Comback, whatever you want to call it

2009-03-01T12:23:00.002+07:00

2009 is probably quite exciting for the the music industry. Or maybe my kind of music industry =P. I've already heard a couple of my favourite band re-uniting or back in reunion. First we heard that of Blink 182 making a reunion on Grammy Awards. This is probably the most exciting for me, though it feels like not that long ago they went on an 'indefinite hiatus', I'm still uber excited when they said they'll start making music together again. I've been a fan of them for a long time now, so that brings joy to me.

Then we have one of the biggest britpop band to reunite at the NME Awards, Blur! Their news of reuniting have been heard since before New Year, so it's not much of a surprise. But still, to see them perform live together again would be fantastic. We know they have been broken up for a while, and each member have had success with their own career, but i hope it won't stop them making as awesome music together with more maturity and experience over the years.

Last I heard, but hopefully not the least is No Doubt making a comeback tour. After they took a break for almost five years, in that running time Gwen Stefani had make 2 solo albums, they decided to make a comeback tour and starts to hit the studio for the next No Doubt album. What's more exciting, they're also gonna appear on that hit teen series show Gossip Girl as a part of their tour. Paramore will be the opener on their tour and I'm excited as hell, I wish I could come to one of their tour.

Now if these bands can reunite, can a friendship reunite too??? =P

Aside from all this great bands reuniting or making comeback or whatever they want to call it, 2009 also the year when new albums will surely gets released. We already have Lily Allen's It's Not Me, It's You and Yeah Yeah Yeah's It's Blitz! (which sadly already gets leaked all over the internet now). There's also rumours of The Strokes, Arctic Monkeys, Paramore, My Chemical Romance, Stars, Green Day and many more!!!

See, I told you 2009 will be a cool year =D.

Can I Go Now?

2009-02-13T16:04:00.000+07:00

Most people that know me long enough knows I've been living a nomad life since I was born. I guess that's why I get so bored easily living or staying in one place for too long. I also have the tendency to run away and start over somewhere else when I feel troublesome or when I feel uncomfortable anymore.

I used to feel sad and envious to those who stayed in one place long enough to build a relationship with people around them. Those who have strong friendship, etching memories, etc. But know as I grow numb of it all, I feel slightly relieved. This way no one really know enough about me. No one can bring up my past memories. It's always a new life, a new start, a new chance for me.

So, now I've stayed in Jakarta long enough (5 years) I start to feel restless. I start to get nervous and distracted. I need to get out. I can't stay here longer anymore. I can't face the same person I face everyday anymore. I can't go through the same routine anymore. I'm dying to move out and start all over, be a stranger again, taste everything for the first time in the new place. I've been feeling like this a while. Probably way back since before my parents moved to Budapest, and now that things has been a bit tough for me, the feeling grows stronger.

Yeah I have a lot to consider, my school, my job, my relationships, other responsibilities, and it's so hard to let go, because a part of me actually likes the comfortable surrounding. But there's other part of me, the unrestricted, free, wild, curious part of me that's itching to just leave everything behind and go. Leave no trace but memories for those that know me.

So,
Can I Go Now?

Let's bury me deep in papers

2009-02-06T15:49:00.001+07:00

My office is having a huge cost reduction campaign. It's started from Central Headquarter in the US and spread through all the branches around the world.
Meanwhile, here in our branch, the activity is reaching its peak so everybody are working to the max, hence there are a lot of overtime, more papers and printing ink are used, etc.

A few days ago, the BM sent out an email to all the employees regarding this issue. He stated something like minimizing the use of papers and maximizing the use of online documents viewer or something like that. He insisted on getting this done all the way that he asked our Office Boy to collect all the unused papers on the tray next to the printer/fax/photocopier in the end of the day and he will check to whom those unused papers belong to. My coworkers said that's just ridiculous, they don't understand why does it takes someone in BM position to go through a lot of papers, call the person responsible for printing it and question and/or punish them for being wasteful. That felt like being back in Elementary School where it takes a teacher to personally call and ask the student why they're being naughty.

But one of his new policy that I really hate is limiting the purchase of stationaries and Bindex for archiving purpose. I mean, what the hell???

Accounting is one of those departments that have a hard time being completely paperless. One of the main rule of accounting department is that we have to always keep all the supporting documents and records attached to every vouchers that gets approved, for audit purpose. And that just suck balls. You have no idea how much invoices we produced and get every day, and as our productivity risen, so does the documents. I sometimes feel like crying everytime I see another batch of documents on my desk, waiting to be processed and put away to archive.

Now the BM thinks we should cut down on Bindexes, clips, staplers and labels? Where the hell am I going to send these processed documents to??? A part of me just wants to throw it all into a box and burn them down. Yeah, I'm crazy like that.

You know what should we do to reduce cost? Make the BM live in cheap rental house, use cheaper car and stop letting the company pay for his international phone calls to his family in Singapore. Ugh, seriously.

Music Meme...

2009-02-06T13:01:00.000+07:00

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.
—————————————————————–

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Like O, Like H - Tegan and Sara

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Side - Travis

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I Feel It All - Feist

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Be The One - The Ting Tings (nice!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz (Hura-hura sepanjang masa =D)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
There's a Girl - The Ditty Bops

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Your English is Good - Tokyo Police Club

WHAT IS 2+2?
Bubbly - Colbie C.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Our Lives - The Calling

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Harrowdown Hill - Thom Yorke

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Effington - Bon Folds

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Why Do You Let Me Stay Here - She and Him

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Sing It Back - Moloko

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
All Over Me - Graham Coxon

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Take It or Leave It - The Strokes

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The New Year - Death Cab For Cutie

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
You Cross My Path - The Charlatans

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Bathwater - No Doubt

WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
All That I've Got - The Used

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Soma - The Strokes

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Curbside Prophet - Jason Mraz

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Whatever Gets You Through The Day - The Radio

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Dakota - Stereophonics

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
We Are Broken - Paramore

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Elvis - These New Puritans

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Automatic Stop - The Strokes

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Shining Light - Ash

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, WHEN YOU MEET YOUR BOSS?
That's What Counts - We Are Scientists

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Midnight Surprise - Lightspeed Champion

The Dream Couple...

2009-02-04T11:34:00.000+07:00

When I was still in high school I used to have some sort of criterias for my boyfriend to-be. It changes from time-to-time, but basically I want someone who's good looking and wealthy. Whenever I told Mom about this, she'd sneered at me saying that I have to be more realistic and that I shouldn't look for someone based on their appearance solely. That it's better to be with someone who's responsible, kind and understanding. I was too selfish and close minded to understand what she was saying. I thought, how could someone have a relationship with a person who's not handsome or smart or wealthy by my standard. God, I was so shallow!

As times goes by, I realize that life is tough. I realize that I can't choose who I fall in love with. I started to meet more people who may not be the most handsome person, but have the kindest heart or the greatest charm over me. I met poeple that are fun to be with, that cares for me and wanted to be with me no matter what. I come to term that I'm also not the prettiest girl, that reality sucks, and that only by luck can you be with someone as cute as Josh Hartnett or Freddie Prinze Jr. (now you know what year I was in high school =P).

Now I just want someone who understands me. Someone who wants me for who I am. They still have to speak English fluently and have the knowledge wider than me (relax, I'm not that smart =P). But looks does not matter that much anymore and so is wealthiness.

Now I understand what Mom meant and I can agree with her completely. It's better to have someone who's responsible and wants to take care of me. Someone who's smart and can teach me to a whole new things, someone who can make me proud and is proud of me.

But all this talk about me wanting someone makes me wonder too. Have I become someone worthy enough to have? I want someone who accept me, but can I accept that person back? I want someone who's responsible, but have I been a responsible person myself?
I can't always want things on my terms only, that'd be selfish, right.
Can I be someone awesome enough for this awesome person to have?
Can we be the awesome couple I've always dream to be?

What does it says about me...

2009-02-02T10:08:00.000+07:00

...when I get jealous of seeing my coworkers quit his job and left the office.

Imagining him waking up late everyday, being able to get online and surf the net all day long.
Having more time to go out, shop, read books, watch movies, learn to cook, learn French, study for exams, get my hair done, get facials, daydream...

Alas, I still need the money, can't just quit that easy.
I hate my job, but I love the money that pays.
Yeah, I'm shallow like that for thinking money is everything.
Sue me.

2009-01-31T10:29:00.002+07:00

"Over My Head"

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind, she's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

By bus, train, ship, plane...

2009-01-30T11:56:00.001+07:00

I was gonna write about my trip to Bali last weekend in details but I just can't be bothered.
And I know I'm going to regret this in the future.
I mean really, what is there to write about? My mind isn't working in its best condition, too numb already from all the mind-numbing work I have to do, and when I'm home and my mind is cleared, there's so much else to be done (and by this I mean tweeting, tumblr-ing, downloading music, stumble-upon-ing) that I don't have time to write (or type). Or maybe I'm just lazy.

The main point is I had the absolute fun there. No, I did not play in the water/beach, but I did have the dream afternoon beach walk with the Boyfriend. So, that's cool. I literally spend every waking minute with him. We got around town with his bike. It's so much cooler like that, so much easier and faster, even though it's exhausting and almost always ruined my hair after.

I met a couple of his friends, went to his (empty) office, it's basically kind of (like Patrick said) a pre-honeymoon, as much as I hate to admit it.

But most of all, it's the thrill of traveling alone that excites me the most. I haven't been on a plane for almost 5 years now (Jeez!) and being on one last Friday just brings back all the memories. The anxiety of a take-off, the breath-taking cloud view from above, and the gladness of a smooth landing. Of course it's still boring to the max, because I was too excited on my departure day, I just can't wait for it to land soon.

Being on a plane somehow reminds me of my family because I've always been traveling with them all my life. Them and all the convinience from the confusing bureaucracy. So yesterday when I finally experienced traveling alone, I was almost late for check-in, got mixed-up between papers and got in the plane from the wrong side of it. I was seated in front, but I went from the tail, I had to step on a few feet and apologize along the way. Yeah, I'm clumsy like that, nothing's new.

So, next long holiday... where shall we go? Bunaken? Lombok? Jogja? Or, Kuala Lumpur, maybe?
What say you, Boyfriend? =D

That's when people starts to stare...

2009-01-29T23:21:00.004+07:00

"Sometimes when I'm walking to work with my earphones on, I pretend I'm in a music video for the song I'm listening to..."

Yeah, I'm that strange.

I get so lost in music so easily.
Once I was in my car alone, I blasted my audio so loud when my favourite song came out and started singing and dancing around to it. Nearing the end of the song I realized I was stopping at a red light with all the street beggar and motorcycle riders staring at me, freaked out and such. Yeah. Embarrassing.

Or, sometimes I don't realize I'm into the music so much that I starting to jiggy unconsciously while I wait for the train in the station. Usually when my coworker notices she'll reminded me that I'm in public places. But often when I'm commuting alone, I don't care much.

I'm actually not allowed to listen to earphones in the office. The big boss said it distracts us from work and from phone calls. But since I don't get calls much, I listen to em anyway, sneaking around when the boss isn't noticing.

Music calms me down when I'm pissed. Lift up my spirit when I'm moody. I sometimes imagine whatever I do has its own background music. Wouldn't it be cool to have that? Or like what the boyfriend always imagine, having a personal gadget that shows what you're playing over your head so that everyone can see =P.

No need to fuss, it's only water.

2009-01-15T12:22:00.000+07:00

Water, my ass!!!
Yeah, it's pretty and romantic. When you're safe and warm under the blanket with a hot cocoa and a good book. But when you're out there, tired from work, being drenched in rain just suck balls!

Rain causes trouble.
It's a fact. Flood, traffic jam, messed up train schedules, leaking roof, muddy road, terribly cold wind and cold water.
I ruined my 400K shoes, sore throat, got home at 12am, cold. Damn rain!
I used to be okay with rain. I even liked it. Now, rain can just go to hell.

It's not so much a regret...

2009-01-14T13:21:00.004+07:00

Well, yeah it is. But I'm a functional person.
I like having separate gadgets for its own purpose. That's what I thought when I decided to buy the new iPod Nano.

My 1 year old Samsung MP3 Player has become obsolete as my music library expands by day. 1GB is not enough for me anymore and I want more. I could always add extra memory on my C902, but again, I prefer to have a separate gadgets for its own purpose. Mobile is for communicating only, phone, texts, tweeting, urgent emails. The fact that it has a cool camera only act like a cherry on top. I have my own separate digital camera for that.

So, to fulfil my musical needs, I decided I should get a bigger sized music player. I've never been that interested in iPod. I don't know why. Maybe because I used to think of Apple and its family as something alien to me. Like it has its own class and I don't belong in it (call me hyperbolic, I don't care).

The decision was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I was feeling a bit blue and getting something new was my remedy (bad, bad habit). I tweeted that I want to buy iPod Nano, and the whole @jtug community suddenly goes crazy encouraging me. Mama Amalia said if I buy online I could get it engraved, Lisa said the red new release one is beautiful and Aulia said I could get it in special package. Impulsively, I clicked the 'Buy Now' button.

This happened more than ten days ago. The package is still isn't here, in a way it's my fault for transferring from different bank. I can't use my music player cause the earphone broke last night and I have to rely on my mobile. And this morning, as I wait impatiently in the train (because the rain makes train works incompetently), I saw a guy playing with his BB and suddenly I want iPod Touch :|

The thought of Prima fooling with his iPod Touch makes me blue. Not because I miss him, but because I envy his iPod Touch. I held it a couple of times and yes, it was pretty. Not to mention Lisa's message on my facebook wall saying that she wants it too and how cool it is as a multimedia gadget. Arrrrhhh! I want that Touch nao!

To be honest, as curious as I am now, I'm scared of heading over to apple store-id to check the Touch's price. Afraid that I would be entirely regretting my decision to buy the Nano +sigh+
Maybe I should just steal Prima's the next time I see him. Nyahaha...!

I hope I don't just jinx it...

2009-01-13T17:32:00.001+07:00

I feel like lately I've been blessed with so much love and joy.
I guess this is the first time in a while that I feel completely healthy, and by that I meant not paranoid, not skeptical, but not too hopeful either.
Just healthy and balanced.

Yes, some things saddens me. I lost a good friend, she decided she cannot face me anymore. I'm not that unbearable, but I guess we just change and grow to a different direction, and hers and my path don't go in the same direction, it doesn't even go towards the same destination. There are times when I thought I'll break down like I did 3 years ago, considering how tight our bond was, but I didn't. I manage to let her go with a smile and a prayer that maybe someday we'll be in the same path again.

Aside from that, so many cool things happened and will happen that kept me on my feet. Dinner and hanging out with some friends are always nice. Friends with common interests, friends to laugh with, friends from the same community, friends for networking, etc. But I decided that this is the time I should grow up and that I shouldn't just stick to just one 'Best Friend'. I should socialize more, I should be more confident.

It's not that I don't want to have the 'Best Friend Forever' thing anymore, but I just don't trust people with my heart that much. Like Peyton from One Tree Hill says "People always leave." I know I will always have friends with whom I share sensitive things, but they are old friends. Friends that knew me from the start. Friends that have seen the worst and the best of me.

Shopping is always a good remedy for bad mood. iPod Nano, DVDs, clothes, shoes, Concert Ticket XD. And of course there's always the getaway holiday.

Long-distance relationship sucks. I miss him everyday. But it wasn't like my last LDR. I trust him in a way that even if he were to break my heart, he'll do it nicely and honestly. Well, as long as I don't act up =P. There's so many things I want to say to him, so many things I want to do with him, but I'm not very good at expressing those feelings. I'm falling in love so hard, I just hope I don't lose myself this time.

Everybody important in my life right now are miles away from me. My family, my friends, him. But somehow I feel it's better like this, I get bored easily anyway. Being far away from people I love the most stops me from being like a b^tch that I am sometimes. I learn to cherish every moment spent together, whether it's talking online or on the phone or when we actually meet up face-to-face. I get to say how much I miss and love them and that's good for me. I don't do that very often before.

This has been a good start of the year. I shouldn't brag much though, I still have eleven months to go before it's new year again. Anything could happen, in an hour, a day, a week, a month...
But, I don't think it's wrong to at least be thankful for a wonderful beginning, right?

Blood Red Shoes - I Wish I Was Someone Better

2009-01-03T11:45:00.000+07:00

Made a mistake
I made a mistake
I wear the scars to show my shame

What should I do?
What should I do?
When I'm the one who can't get through

I can't see past this chance for us to
Reconcile these doubts
They've all gone on for far too long
Yeah it goes on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on

Made a mistake
I made a mistake
I wear the scars to show my shame

What should I do?
What should I do?
When I'm the one hey, I'm the one to blame.

Just not built for this role
And all the time much better spent
But it all drags on for far too long
And it drags on and on and on and on
On and on and on and on

I wish I was someone better

311208: Dreams Come True

2008-12-31T19:05:00.002+07:00

We could never predict what's gonna happen in the future.
And call me skeptical, but I'm sick of expecting and hoping for the better future.
These days I just live the day as easy as I could.
I find it better that way. As I stop expecting the best from others, I find the things they do surprises me. Their kindness struck my heart, and even if they were evil I wouldn't be that broken-hearted because I never expect them to be angelic.

Gain some, lose some.
I lost one of my dearly friend this year on May. He died from a motorbike accident. I didn't cry, because death is inevitable, when it's your time. I believe he went to a better place, because he was a good person, at least to me. I loved him, and I still love him and I will always love him. No one could replace his place in my heart.

I gain tons of amazing friends too. These strangers, that I know not their background, continues to struck me with their kindness and ideas. They amazes me with how much they care about other strangers. They made me believe that I'm not alone in this world, that it's natures selection for people with the same point of view to be together. We may not be best friends forever. But I do hope whatever relationship we have would last for now and many years to come.

My Granny passed away this year too. Again, I believe it's for her best, rather than facing painful days in her life. She passed away gracefully and, I hope, painless. Hopefully she's in a much better place and that I just want her to know that we, her children and her grandchildren, would always pray for the best for her.
But our family also had a few babies born this year too. So, it's not really shrinking, our family. Instead, we're gaining more younger members to continue the legacy =D.

My Parents and brother went away again for another job post in Budapest, Hungary. I'm used to living alone now. It's no big deal. I have my job to keep my mind occupied. I don't have a partner (read: boyfriend) like I used to before, but I have a good friend, my own personal sunshine, to keep me happy most of my emo time these days. He continues to make me believe I am a good person and that I am loved and that I deserve the best in my life, therefore I should say I'm pretty lucky =D.

I learned that nothing in this world lasts forever. Love, trust, happiness, wealth, everything has a limit.

I learned that I should enjoy every moment I could smile and laugh, and I shouldn't keep being sad if my world reaches its low points, because it will eventually turn around, whatever situation I'm in.

I learned that when I lose some I will gain some and vice versa. Maybe not the next day, maybe not immediately, maybe not in the same amount, but surely it would feel relieving.

I learned that people change. But you must always respect them. If you can't deal with it, back off. You can always pray for their best, tho.

I learned that your best friends are the one that will always accept you for who you are. That will forgive you for whatever mistakes you made. That grow together with you. That even though they may not believe in the same thing with you but still respects you nevertheless. That stays on your side no matter what. That maybe far away but keep your hearts close.
They are the one that trusts you with their deepest secret, the one that runs to you and shares their misery, believing you would understand their pain.
They're the one that believes, even though you change, you're still the same you inside.

I learned that I deserve to be happy and to be loved. Even by the wrong person. That all is fair in love and war, and everything happens for a reason, no matter how wrong it sounds.

I learned that you must be in pain and go through all sorts of painful experiences before you grow better and became the better person that you are. That most people go through that heart-breaking, keens-bending, tummy-clenching phase of losing faith, but it will teach you how to be a more mature person. That hearts are fragile but not irreparable. That if you believe strong enough, dreams do come true.

And therefore, I welcome 2009 with open hearts and a smile on my face.
I hope next year I'll be a better person, we'll all be a better person. May our dreams come true.
Don't stop dreaming guys, dreams do come true =D

1 weird text message received...

2008-12-15T15:12:00.001+07:00

"I don't care about your past. Because it is your past that shaped you into a person that you are right now, a person that I love"

No doubt I had a gruesome past.
It may seem shallow and unimportant right now. It may seem that I made it a tad over-dramatic right now. But when you've been where I've been, you'd say different things.

I've cheated on my long-distance boyfriend just to fell madly in-love and went on an on-off relationship with a futureless drug-addict, half-brainwashed into hating my own parents by some unthankful close friend, drained out in terms of money by my dominant, arrogant, ungrateful ex-bf, drowned in self-hatred hearing cruel words thrown at me and that's just a tiny parts of what I've been through

I believe everybody go through the same phase. It may not be a similar experience, but there must be times when you feel like you've fallen down to bottom of life. You feel like there's no way you'd make it through this time. And then you do make it, sometimes not realizing it even.

Like I did today. I haven't really ever thankful for what I currently have right now. It's not perfect, it's still far from it, but it's probably the best since my childhood era. It all hit me when I received a text from my 'Ex drug-addict' ex-boyfriend today asking a loan from me because he wants to help his friend's wife who's giving birth. Let's forget the fact that it's a lame reason to begin with, the fact that he still ask for loans is just wrong. I'm not trying to boast my wealth here or the fact that I can generate my own income, but come on, he's 4 years older than me.

I don't know whether I was stupid or naive, but I used to love that boy to death. I had a steady, long-distance, amazing, wise boyfriend at the moment I met him, still I cheated and fell in love with him. I fell in love, had a crazy, dramatic relationship, was dumped and still I begged him to come back to me. It went for almost a year until a close friend from Polish opened my eyes that there's so much more to life than him. It took a while to get over that particular ex.

That is until I found out that I was doing so much better than him in 2 years time. I was doing great in Uni and there he was still whining about his unfortunate, emo, wasted, pathetic life with no effort of fixing it. If I recall, there has been about 4 attempts of him asking for a loan from me. I mean, if your life is that pathetic then at least use what's left of you to fix it.

I say, get a job. You say, you have no degree.
I say, study and get a degree. You say, you're brain is too fried from drugs
I say, make your own business. You say, you have no start-up money.
Until I run out of things to say. Until once again you come back for easy solution.

Again, I'm not boasting my luck. But I'm just saying that I'm thankful of it. It's been bumpy, but it's great. I've got a well-paid job, a seat in the best Uni in the country, great caring friends and a personal sunshine. I may have to make hard decision sometimes, I may have to hurt some people. But that's the challenge of life.
The text I got from him today made me realize how far along I've grown. How much of a better person I've become. And how I'll make it through another bumpy ride when it does come along, because...
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you never gonna keep me down!
I get knocked down, but I get up again, you never gonna keep me down!" - Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

I miss fighting with you...

2008-12-12T15:20:00.002+07:00

... and laughing with you, and having meals with you, and watching movies with you.

I miss joking and teasing our parents with you.
I miss disturbing you when you're playing PlayStation.
I miss teasing your skinny body and pimpled face
I miss riding on your bike.
I miss your weird sense of style and how you always need my approval on the way you dress.
I miss browsing through your mobile, looking if maybe you've got another girlfriend.
I miss picking out stuff for you when we go on a groceries shopping.
I miss your nagging.
I miss your cocky attitude.
I miss being angry at you when you come home late.
I miss swapping songs with you.
I miss the way you sing-along quietly, ashamed if I find out, to that cheesy local songs.
I miss the cute way you tell stories.
I...
I just miss you

I Want...! +wishlist+

2008-12-07T15:37:00.002+07:00

I so want want to watch these two movies:

1. High Fidelity
Why? Because I read the book and it was good, and it revolves around music, romantic comedy, and John Cusack. But mostly because I read the book and I found the book to be very inspiring, very good and heart-warming. Nick Hornby authors it and I'm just curious how the movie turned out.

2. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Why? Because, again it's adapted from a novels, which I haven't read but would like to, and it also revolves around music. It's a teen comedy, so it should be fun =P. Supposedly, the movie differs somehow from the books. That's why I'd like to read and watch it. But mostly, because it's Michael Cera and Kat Dennings. I saw the trailer and they both look so cute together.

One Month and a Half

2008-12-05T14:14:00.005+07:00

So, it's been one and a half months since My Parents left for Budapest. I'm holding on nicely, with a little help from a couple of friends. I'm not saying I don't miss them, I do. Especially knowing I'd be spending weekends alone, when I'm used to spending them together with the family. The hardest was probably not celebrating Bro and Dad's birthday together a week ago on 27th and 28th November. If they were here, we'd prolly be having a dinner feast or such.

Last time I heard from them, they've found an apartment on the city centre of Pest. It's a three rooms apartment with 2 bathrooms and presumably a nice view located on the 5th floor. No pictures of the apartment yet, but here they are shivering from the snow =P

And yes, the snow is the main reason I'm so effing jealous of them.

Aside from that, it's getting tougher living alone. I lived alone before, well not completely alone, I was with my grandma now and before. But she's getting older now and I'm getting more worried. Plus I'm working and studying that keeps me away from home for more than 16 hours everyday and made me unavailable most of the time. I can't help but feel guilty if I have to go out and do stuff on the weekends too. They said it's okay, but I'm just a human.

But hopefully by next year things will soon fall into place and we'll be living nicely, coping with each others' schedule. I'm struggling, but I'm trying. And I guess I'm happier, it's pretty cool when I see myself managing to live alone, among many other things =D.

Indie Elitist? Yeah, Right! =P

2008-11-19T15:42:00.005+07:00

A good friend posted a quote on her microblog today,
"New trend: It's not about how savvy you are about particular artist. It's about how big your MP3s file size in total. The bigger the better."

An almost similar opinion came from my BFF when I expressed my utter fanatism towards Arctic Monkeys by saying how they're going to be the next "The Beatles". Her reply was:
"Nowadays there are already tons of bands and tons of genres compared to when The Beatles had their success. People have more choice and therefore have a wider view of preference towards music. It's going to be hard for the Arctic Monkeys to have the same kind of everlasting same success like The Beatles had."

At first, I didn't really grasp her view, but now that I experienced it myself, I'm beginning to understand.

I personally have a preference towards British music, preferably Indie. But I'm not closing my options. Not that long ago, my choice of music was limited to what's on MTV and local Radio. And even that is limited, because I don't spend that much time in front of TV and Radio. My music fetish started when I was searching for music I like on the Internet and the effort of downloading it. What I tend to do when I like a certain song is to find out who sing it and whether the artist have any other song which is as good as the one I currently like. And so the journey of discovery began. The more I dig into one artist, the more I find great music out there. And I started to realize that what I thought was a big music industry was even bigger in reality.

I must say the Internet opened a wide oppurtunity for me to discover lots of great artist out there. MTV and Radio is no longer my only sources of finding new music (in fact I don't even listen to those two anymore these days). The interweb has sites like Last.fm that helps me a lot (with its 'Recommendation' feature that groups similar artists and recommend their songs to you), and then there's all kinds of music charts from all around the world, and together with tons of music blogs and music webzine, my hunger for new music is satisfied.

Curiosity, anti-trend and pride is what makes me a download addict. I'm always curious of new music, I search endless music webzine and monitor their new and featured artists articles. I regularly check out my favourite charts and radio playlist (notably UK Radio playlist =P). I, blindly, download new music and listen through it offline, when I commute to-from the office. And that's how enrich my library.

I also like to think I'm a little anti-trend. I'm easily bored of repeated music on radio and TV. While most people grow their fondness by listening to the same song over and over and asked the radio station to play it every chance they get, I feel bored of the same music just by listening to them for two weeks top. By the time people start to get the new music hype, I'm already losing interest and in search for newer music. Plus, I tend to avoid mainstream music just because I'm anti-trend. Weirdly, there's a sense of pride and elation when people don't recognize my music.

I guess this is why new bands wouldn't have the same success when compared to The Beatles or such artist those days. There are just too many selection of new music offered every day. The music industry moves too fast for a person to become ever-fanatic to just one artist. Sure there are still some fanatism, but you also open your mind and ear to other bands/artists. Arctic Monkeys isn't my only favourite artist, it's one of my favourite artists. I still crave for newer music every day, searching for one that's still undiscovered, fresh and original. That's why I prefer Indie music. But I'm still far from what you call a music expert or Indie Elitist, and I may seem shallow at times, but this is just my opinion =).

@chibialfa's birthday party

2008-11-16T13:35:00.000+07:00

Last night had another Tweet-up in event of @chibialfa's Birthday Party. We went karaoke-ing and it was a bunch of fun!

I came late and missed the candle-blow cause I went shopping first (got meself a nice pair of black shoes), and when I came the whole room boo-ed me LOL.

Participating in a Tweet-Up is always fun for me, because there's always new people to meet, like last night I met @witasoy, @javajive and @olganovita for the first time. Nice to meet you guys =D.

After the karaoke I'm now will be known as the girl who knows every song in the karaoke booth because I keep singing along on literally every song played last night. I even amazed myself on how much I know those songs.

Having a tweet-up, particularly last night's, also made me realize that even though I've been claiming how unique and un-normal I am, there are other people who's even far more unique and are very brave of showing their true colours. Braver than me. Made me also realize that the world is so big and made of very different people and there's just so much to discover every day. I was being such a skeptic person that I was surprised to see how warm these strangers are to me. I have been so emo that I even thought I don't deserve to be treated with so much warmness and kindness.

The internet, books, music has open my mind so wide. It's also one of the reasons that I dream of traveling, is meeting new people with their own unique traits and personality. Twitter folks did this to me, make me believe once again that there are people who have the same point of view as I have, and even if they don't have it, their openness will accept me for who I am. I must say I have been so lucky to have meet such incredibly amazing and kind people. I must stop being so skeptical about strangers now.

Thank you friends!

Garbage, with its awesome frontgirl

2008-10-29T21:50:00.003+07:00

On his blog, Fajarjasmin listed 100 inspiring songs title and uttered this idea about writing a post that is inspired by music. When I heard about it, I get excited immediately and forced Kapkap to tag me so I can join the fun. I've always love writing about something that's got to do with music, but never really found a good topic about it. So now that I've got the chance, I can't wait to begin. Although I should warn you before that it is far from inspiring and may just contains useless rants from me.

The song that I chose is Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage. To be honest, this isn't my favourite song from Garbage. My favourite one is I Think I'm Paranoid, but really any song from Garbage will do. Speaking of Garbage, there's a reason why I love bands with women as vocalist. There's just something powerful about it. I mean, I see rock bands as something tough and having a girl as a vocalist in a male majority group is just sexy. Beside Garbage, I also love The Cardigans and Sixpence None The Richer because of the same reason. I used to dream of being the only girl in a group of male friends and somehow always tried too hard to understand their point of view. Maybe that's why most guys end up just being my friends instead of seeing me as a girlfriend material.

I could say that I'm a bit of a feminist. I see myself as an independent woman and try hard to avoid that image of a woman being seen as a weak creature. I have this image of how my future will be that I'd have a successful career and I'm married to a successful man. We'd be living in this urban way of life. We'd be having our own activity in the day and we'd be having discussion over dinner when we're both home. I fantasize of having my own success and not being too dependent on my husband.

It disturbed me upon seeing a woman so caught up in her own emotions. I'd be so enrage seeing a man treats his girlfriend as he like. Also like that time when there's this news headline about girls’ violent gangster that likes to beat up other girls, I was so enrage that I felt literally sick and nauseated seeing the news. All I can think was, how could they do that? It's bad enough that a lot of women are being mistreated by men (read: domestic violence, rapes, etc) that women have to endure violence from the same gender. We're supposed to be uniting, not fight against each other.

Women are blessed with so many amazing things in life. Name a few like giving birth, breastfeeding the baby, enduring months of having period and still be the perfect mother and wife. It hurts me when we're being treated without respect. "Hey people, we gave birth to you", I want to scream. I'm not saying we're perfect, I'm just saying that we're more than sex object or a slave to serve other people. Women can also be whatever they want too, we can have a dream too.

There's a popular quote that I hate usually said by the know-it-all men, "Why get a high education? Women will end up in the kitchen anyway". Say that to my face if you want me to hate you. And after saying that, they'll say stuff like women in career won't ever be happy, they'd be chasing career so bad that they barely have time to maintain a relationship and get married. I know I've seen a living proof of that, but I think it's just because those men are so intimidated that we can be in a higher position than they are. I'm so glad my Dad aren't like that, he forced me to have a high education and even allow me to realize my ambition.

I idolized a co worker in my office, she's a mother with three kids, she's pretty. We're working on a average of 45 hours a week, yet she still have time to pamper herself, takes care of her under-age children and have a catering service as a side job. Not looking at all exhausted. I wish I could be like her when I grow up. There's also a family friend, my mom's friend, that has the kind of personality that I like. She's smart, friendly, attractive, funny, sociable and she can connect with any kind of people. She's open minded and her point of view is just very inspiring. She's been through rough condition, divorce, jobless, gossiped by other women, but she still has her chin up and faces it all with a smile. Now she's re-married and is currently pregnant with her first child and is a manager of an international company. Every time I see them (she and her husband), I make a wish of someday having that kind of perfect life.

And of course, the most inspiring woman in my life is my Mom. She is the best mom in the world. But I guess that's how every child sees their mom as. And even though she’s not a career woman, I still look up to her because she has the perfect manner for a woman, she has the best fashion sense, and she can look effortlessly pretty just about every day, even when she just woken up in the morning. I don’t say this to her face, though. I have too much pride =P

So that's the rant that was inspired by Garbage. And to continue the tradition, I shall tag two other people, namely Vibhy a.k.a LovelyPink and Pria a.k.a Anima to head over Fajar's blog and choose the song that most inspiring. Cheers!

Late Post: Indonesian National Bloggers Day

2008-10-28T10:15:00.002+07:00

How important is blogging to you? How do you decide what to publish?

Comemmorating Indonesian National Blogger's Day, @aulia had tweeted these questions. To be honest, I'm not a professional blogger, nor an active one. To me blogging has always been more like a catharsis, and my blog has always seem more like a personal journal to me.

I started blogging back when I was still in High School. And as a normal high school-er my entry was mainly consisting of teenage high school angst, sappy lyrics/poems or pictures of me and my friends. Never occured to me to make something out of my condition. I mean I was living in Kuwait, I could've blogged about the tears and joy of living abroad, etc. But since I was a self-conscious, hormone-raging, time-waster teenage high school-er, the thought never crossed my mind at all.

To me blogging isn't a routine thing. I don't feel that I should blog everything that I think or feel or heard. I used to, I don't anymore. The routine and hype stopped when I got to college. I didn't have steady internet connection and was busy being in a relationship. Back then, there wasn't (or maybe I just didn't know) a thing that we call microblogging nowadays. Plus, because of blogging, it almost ruined my romantic relationship, so I decided to take a break at all from it.

These days, I tried to steadily update my blog. My posts consists of, still, some young-adults angsts, absurd psycho-analysis, addictions and rants about my so-called hopeless love life. It's boring, uneducational, unmotivating and, above all, absurd. But hey, it's a personal journal to begin with. I don't blog for others. It never meant as a public consumption. But if people want to read it and comment on it then be my guest.

But the way I see it, blogging is a replacement of writing a diary. Whenever I have something disturbing on my mind, something that bugs me day and night, I blog about it. And it helped release the pain, soothed my mind, and sometimes even helped me find the answer to my problem. I'm not a very communicative person. I don't do well talking about my feelings, and blogging is a way of sharing that feeling. So yeah, blogging = catharsis. But even if I don't blog, I'd still write somehow to express my feelings, I just don't publish it. So, it's more about writing and expressing than really publishing it for the world to see. That's why I don't care if people don't read my blog to begin with.

2008-10-23T10:47:00.004+07:00

Sorry for being away for quite a while. Have been busy with mid-term exam, not that it affect much because I find myself not even studying for it. But the atmosphere of an exam week was so strong that I'm nervous all the time, I tried to minimize it by not staying late till past midnight. Besides, exam made me come home later, I barely have time to go online, let alone think of a blog post.

Aside from that, I can't think of a topic important enough to make me type a blog post. There are a few personal stuff, but I wouldn't bore people with my whines and rants about my not-so perfect life. I'm pretty sure everybody got one of their own too. I'm gonna be fine. Just barely hanging on, but fine overall.

Lately, I found myself addicted to tumblr more and more. I think it's easier to click open my tumblr dashboard, browse a few posts from fellow tumblrs, reblog what I think speaks my mind and there you go. So much easier than having to type a whole blog post, because sometimes some feelings I find hard to be expressed by words =P.

Opening my tumblr dashboard is heartwarming, everything I see on my dashboard is so inspiring and evoking. It's disturbing, because most of them are true. Most of the posts just hit home, it's like those posts speak my mind. And so it's a nice feeling to know others feels the same way I do.

Beautiful designs have always been an appealing thing for me, but I couldn't for the life of me, design anything, and that's were tumblr steps in. I know it's other people's works, designs, words, whatever. But I reblog them with credits, plus it'd be like a free publicity for them. Oh how I Love Web 2.0 XD.

But I don't always reblog posts from other people. Sometimes when I have my own thought I'd post them. Like a few days ago, Friday to be exact, I had an idea to compile a few pictures and made a mosaic out of it, with the help of Big Huge Labs. I didn't post it hoping it'd get reblog, it's not even something smart, but I was happy when on Monday I saw it hit 30 reblogs!!! I always think of tumblr as an inspiring place, and when my post hit 30 reblogs, I feel like that post inspire other people too. It's a nice feeling =D.

I think everything about tumblr, well at least my tumblr dashboard, is simple and honest. And that's why I love it.

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Meme: Ten Things About Me

2008-10-10T00:10:00.005+07:00

Huhuh lagi hype nih bikin blog post tentang "10 Things About Me". Sebenernya udah ada ide bikin post semacam ini. Not necessarily "10 Things" tapi semacam "About Me" gitu deh.

Nah kebetulan momennya lagi pas (tadi abis baca blog postnya @kapkap, @fajarjasmin n @leonniefm) trus jadi pengen juga. Ga apa2 ya =). So, here goes...!

1. I'm too relaxed. Gw tu orangnya terlalu santai, go with the flow, pasrah, ga ada perjuangannya, nrimo, legowo, apalah sebutannya. Bener deh, gw adalah orang paling mudah dimanipulasi, paling mudah dimintain tolong, paling gampang bener pasrah sama keadaan. Parah yah? Kaya tadi pagi, gw lagi sibuk2 ngerjain tugas dari Manager gw, trus tiba2 Supervisor gw dateng, minta tolong gw input data urgent yg ribet banget dikerjainnya, musti ngitung2 sejuta angka beserta data pendukungnya yg bejibun. Ganggu deh, bilangnya urgent karena Manager Divisi sebelah minta ini report update supaya dianya juga ga ditanya2in Big Boss. Aduuuuh ga ngebantu banget. Tapi ya tetep aja gw kerjain, dengan bersungut2, sampe akhirnya gw telat makan siang coz kerjaan gw yg lain numpuk. Yah begitulah, pasrah aja, gw cuma bisa nyinisin Supervisor gw, bermuka jutek ke si Manager Divisi sebelah, trus yg ada gw pusing sendiri nahan emosi... Ih, bad habit deh.

2. Gw sangat independent sampe terkesan individualistic. Gw sih ngeliatnya gini, gw kan anak pertama, cewe, punya adek satu cowo. Dari kecil gw udah kebiasaan dikasih tanggung jawab sama my parents. Pokoknya kalo mau apa2 harus sendiri, harus berani, ga boleh minta tolong Bokap-Nyokap. And walopun bokap ga bilang, tapi dari scenario2 yg dia imajinasikan, dia pengen banget gw tuh jadi cewek karier yg sukses, hidup mandiri, ngebanggain orang tua. Jadinya gw ngerasa gw harus jadi cewe tough, strong, independent. Kuliah sambil kerja, hajar! Kudu bisa ngatur waktu sendiri. Sebisa mungkin ga minta uang saku lagi dari ortu. Anti dependent sama orang. Kalo mo belanja sendiri. Kalo mo kemana2 sendiri. Punya penghasilan sendiri. Dan sangat mengidolakan wanita2 yg sukses punya keluarga dan tetap punya karir juga. Saking apa2 bisa sendiri, mantan gw sampe pernah ngambek karena ngerasa ga dibutuhin. Lho? Bukannya cowo katanya seneng sama cewe mandiri. Gimana sih?

3. Gw punya gengsi sangat tinggi. Ini ada hubungannya sama kemandirian gw yg extrim sebelumnya. Karena ngerasa bisa apa2 sendiri, gw jadi gengsi minta tolong, gengsi ngungkapin perasaan, gengsi banget keliatan lemah. Padaha ya gw manusia biasa juga. Pernah ngerasa cemburu, sedih, lonely. Tapi, bok, tetep aja gengsi. Sifat yg sukses menghancurkan 2 romantic relationship gw. Sekarang gw lagi rehab nih, berusaha mulai berani ngomong, ga gengsi bilang kalo gw cemburu ato butuh. Baby steps lah =)

4. Gw ga bisa hidup tanpa musik. Awalnya ga separah ini. Tapi karena sekarang apa2 mudah diakses, gw jadi kecanduan banget. Pokoknya gw tiap online kalo bisa download musik baru. Gw selalu search new music, mostly indie sih. Gw mo tidur denger MP3, di mobil pasang MP3 Player, ngutak/i di Notebook sambil denger musik, commuting + earphones, kadang sampe lupa diri trus mulai joget2 di stasiun kereta. Parah yah! Huhuhu, info tambahan aja nih, band favorit gw itu Arctic Monkeys. Sebagaimana gw ngatur playlist gw, pasti ada aja keselip lagunya AM. Gw sampe nekat banget mo pre-order DVD Live-nya mereka yg bakal rilis 3 Nov. Sialnya cuma limited di UK aja T_T

5. Ambisi gw, tujuan hidup gw, alasan gw dilahirkan di dunia ini, cuma satu: Traveling. Heheh lebay yah. Tapi bener, setiap kali gw ngebayangin plan gw untuk travel the world, I get goosebumps in my arm and my heartbeat goes faster. Asal tau aja, impian gw hampir tercapaikan, kalo ga karena gw belom lulus kuliah. Bayangin paspor udah ada, Visa Schengen udah tertempel manis di paspor gw, baju dingin udah siap untuk hidup di Eropa, tapi baru bisa dipake tahun depan. Huhuhu, nasib! There's something magical kalo ngebayangin bisa ngeliat castle ruins di Italy, ato indahnya pantai Mediterrania, ato sibuknya jalanan kota New York dan London, hangatnya matahari Spanyol, lembutnya legenda2 di Jepang dan China. Huaaa! I cannot wait!

6. Gw fanatik banget sama apapun tentang rambut gw. Bentuknya sih biasa2 aja dan agak condong ke messed-up. Tapi jangan macem2 kalo gw udah ngomongin rambut. Ada ritual khususnya, sampe2 V udah ga bisa ngomong n ngebantah apa2 kalo gw udah bilang: "Gw ada date sama rambut." Which means gw bakal keramas dan melakukan ritual2 lain seperti pake tonic, pake hair moisturizer, ngeblow dengan teknik tertentu, trus dicatok, trus ga boleh kena angin, ga boleh di kuncir abis keramas, jyahaha ribet amat yak! Kesannya sepele, tapi mood gw bisa ancur kalo hal ini dilanggar. Bad hair day is my worst day.

7. Gw adalah konvensionalist yang open-minded. Gw adalah orang yg sangat terbuka. Gw berusaha ga nge-judge orang. Kalopun gw harus ngejudge, gw hanya akan menyimpan judgement itu pada diri gw sendiri. Semakin banyak variety types of people around me, semakin senanglah gw. I don't mind befriending different type of people as long as they believe in peace. Tapi se open-mindednya gw menerima informasi, gw masihlah tetep cewe konventional yg percaya kalo sebuah hubungan seharusnya dimulai dari cowo. I don't do love confession to a guy before they do first. I don't kiss a guy before they initiate the first move. And I don't give signal or seriously flirt with guys unless they show interest towards me. And the cheesiest, I do actually believe in happily ever after. Cih! =P

8. As tough and harsh as I sometimes appear to be, I do also love sweet mushy stuff like most girl. My top 5 are: Beagle Puppies (or any kind of puppies for that matter), Fireworks, Bubbles, Ice Creams and Sprinklers =P. It's pretty self-explanatory isn't it?

9. I love to dance. I will forever regret not developing this skill more. I envy those professional dancer, they're the ones who I think are the most luckiest people in the world. Making money from hobbies. I still dance - awkwardly and spazzy, might I say - sometimes, when I'm depressed, when I feel too fat and when I hear the perfect beat in my favourite song.

10. I'm a family girl. I'd love for my family to know who my close friends are and my friends to know who my families are. I'm proud of them, even of my annoying, lazy and ignorant of a baby brother. I'm not ashamed of going out with them, and sometimes I prefer going out with them than with some of my friends. Sadly, by this time next week, all three of them will be in Budapest, leaving me alone =(.

Well, that's it. A lot it may seem, but it's not even 10% of who I really am. I believe not even a lifetime is enough for you to really get to know someone. Well, feel free to continue this post, whoever you are who's reading this =). I hope by doing this, you can finally understand and get to know who you really are.

Solely...

2008-10-02T01:14:00.000+07:00

I hate family gathering.

Ga, gw ga sebel sama keluarga gw, in fact I love them. I think I have a great big family, ga ada yg dysfunctional, except maybe me =P.

Gw sebelnya adalah the fact that most of my cousins who's in their twenties already in a steady romantic relationship. Some bahkan udah married and engage. Baru aja tadi sepupu gw yang 3 tahun lebih tua dari gue announce her engagement party with his 2 years boyfriend 3 weeks from now. Another cousin from mom's side will hold her wedding party in November, Qta selisih 4 tahun. Yahhh agak bete aja pas mereka udah ngomongin soal sejarah hubungan mereka, sedangkan gw cuma bisa cengar-cengir karena ga bisa join conversations. I really feel like an outcast.

Personally, I'm fine. Mungkin sedikit jealous karena gw masih single, cuma yang tadinya cuma sedikit jealous, diperburuk sama omongan nyokap yg secara ga langsung juga nanya kenapa gw masih single juga. Omongan2 halus kaya: "Wah, berarti kamu juga nyusul donk 3 tahun lagi?" ato "Hm... mama udah bisa gendong cucu belom ya 5 tahun lagi?" Ga enak banget didengernya.

My parents never really force me to be in a relationship. Mereka juga ga pernah nanyain kenapa gw belom ngenalin cowo juga, soalnya gw selalu act cuek. Like this singleness never bothers me. Mereka percaya aja kalo gw masih punya sejuta mimpi sebelom settle down. Bahwa gw masih pengen sekolah, kerja, keliling dunia, dan apalah segala mimpi2 gue yg sering gw umbar2. What they don't know adalah bahwa gw ngumbar2 itu sebagai kamuflase ketakutan gw akan kesendirian gw.

Serba salah juga sih. Gw bilang it's okay to be single but that means I'm lying. I'm not okay, I'm so not okay. Coba kalo my parents udah ke Budapest, trus gw sendiri di Jakarta, who's gonna accompany me kalo gw harus ke acara2 formal gitu. Basi banget kalo gw sendiri aja =P. Tapi kalo gw ngaku ke nyokap kalo gw takut, yg ada bisa heboh. Haduh ga ngebayang deh nyokap bakal ngapain. Nyariin gw jodoh kali, ato nyeramahin gw tentang manner dan gimana bersikap yg menarik di depan cowo. Ato jangan2 gue langsung disuruh ikut kursus masak lagi +bergidik+

Aside from my parents' issue, gw fine2 aja koQ single. Well, sampe sebatas gw masih bisa independen, bisa cari duit sendiri, bisa ke bengkel sendiri. Tapi kalo udah masalah hati, mendingan ga usah ngomong deh. I try to distract myself. Akhirnya gue malah jatuh ke lingkaran setan itu lagi. Gw distract myself dengan kerjaan, yang malah menyita waktu gue sampe gw ga sempet punya social life lagi. Makin terpuruk dalam kesendirianlah gw =P.

Ada temen gw yang kayanya gampaaaang banget dapet cowo. Mungkin karena personality-nya juga kali yang menyenangkan, mungkin karena dia punya banyak waktu untuk follow-up sama hubungan itu, ato mungkin dia memang menarik, whatever. Jujur aja gw jealous. Baru selsai sama yg satu, udah nyantol satu lagi. Ga deh, gw ga minta yg kaya gitu. Gw minta satuu aja, cukup satu dulu. Yang manageable, yang ga macem2, yang normal, yang ga tiba2 ngajak nikah ato butuh attention berlebih ato, worse, unavailable. Emang udah jarang ya cowok normal jaman sekarang? Gemes deh, yang ada disekitar gw kalo ga udah punya pacar, udah siap nikah, beda agama, naksir temen gw, butuh perhatian berlebihan, ato worse, ga kerja.

Mau ngegebet temen kampus koQ kayanya pergaulan gw ga berkembang. Lagian kayanya males aja gitu berhubungan sama anak kampus, been there done that. Ga seru. Pengen ngegebet temen kantor, ga ada yg available. Pengen cari cinta di dunia maya? Halah yg ada malah jadi best friend +dudul+. Jangan2 gw emang tipikal best-girl-friend material lagi. Speaking of material, emang untuk jadi GF material kudu yg kaya gimana sih? Kecewe2an (girly)? Jago ngebanyol? Selalu punya topik pembicaraan? If that so, then I'm screwed. Should I change myself to get a guy? Act like my 'always-with-a-new-guy' friend? But then he will love the girl I'm acting as, but not the real me.

Sudahlah, capek gw ngomonginnya. Emosi sesaat, trus nyerah pas ga ketemu jalan keluar. Kebiasaan banget ga sih? Hopefully I just didn't turn off what already so little people who may have interest on me =P.

2008-09-30T14:32:00.000+07:00

Things that make me happy =D

Or maybe I'm the one changing?

2008-09-29T14:15:00.002+07:00

"I'm scared I might hate you. I don't want to hate you, I love you =("

It's not right when you hate someone, and it feels worse when you hate someone you love.
I'm so scared of hating this particular person. I so don't want to hate them.

It feels wrong hating them because I've been through a lot with them, love them, adore them, and suddenly they did something that doesn't suit my principles.
It feels wrong hating them because they didn't even do a wrong thing to you.
It feels wrong hating them, because as a matter of fact, they still love you back.

I feel like I'm betraying them because of this. As if I don't support their decision just because what they did goes against what you believe. When truthfully what they need right now is your support.
Can you support someone's decision even if you don't think it's right?
Can you be there to catch them and hold your breath to say 'I told you so' when they fall?

It's not like they change their attitude towards you, just their attitude towards the world. But I just can't accept that, I want them to be the same old person as they were. I'm somehow scared of what others will think of them after this all happens. But I can't talk about this to them because it's not really my business.

I guess I have to be more understanding in this case. I mean that's what relationship is all about, be it friendsip, romance or family business? Right?

Shake it To The Sound of Music

2008-09-21T23:58:00.003+07:00

"Dancing is like dreaming with your feet! ~ Constanze"

When was the last time you really dance to a full music?
Me? I can't even remember, probably about more than a year ago on a campus event.

I love dancing, I've been dancing since I was in Elementary School. I think I have to thank my Mum n Granny for this. When I was still in year 1, I went to school near my Granny's house and so to make it easier, I lived with my Grandparents. I was an active kid, love to read, love to ask and have a pretty much wild imagination. So my Parents and Grandparents thought that my energy should be wasted on something productive. They put me on d Traditional Dancing Class.

For almost a year I studied Traditional Balinese dance. Sometimes it did gets a little boring, I have to wake up after my afternoon nap, showered and left for the dance class twice a week. I cursed my mum's idea for putting me in the class, well I was still a little kid, what can I say. I'd rather play than repeating the same routine every single week.

After about 6 months learning one type of dance, we did some sort of Dance Exam in front of an audience. To be honest it was the first time I performed live. I can't remember the feeling, but I'm sure it was fun, because my parents and grandparents looked so happy and proud, and I love seeing them happy and proud.

I didn't finish the full dancing course, because we had to leave for Kuala Lumpur. Luckily, at that time in KL there was an older girl who was good with different Traditional Dance. My mum forced her to teach me some other more dance so I can perform whenever the embassy held an event, whether it's the Independence Day, Art Day or whatever. One thing I remember of performing live beside the nervousness was the excitement and the high. Yes it was frightening, standing on the side-stage, waiting till it's time to go on stage, but once I'm there, in the middle of the stage with the spotlights on and everyone smiling, it felt so great. I never felt more belong then when I perform on stage. All eyes are focused on me, I was the star of the moment, and what's more, I was so good.

Dancing feels natural to me. I know some people think it's easy. You just have to memorize some moves and that's it. But dancing is way more than that. It takes skill and talent and sensitivity to music and rhythm. I'm not an expert, but I know how to do it the right way. Like today, there was a small parade on Senayan City, complete with marching bands and flag girls. And even if the flag girls only did a small amount of dancing, but I could see which girls do it properly, moving the right way to the right beat of music, and which just memorize the moves.

I felt like crying when I see them, because I miss doing that. I miss performing in front of audiences, with live music up to your ear and you no longer remember the moves because after all the routine practices you've done, your muscles practically memorizes it. And sometimes, when the beat is right or you listen to that perfect part of a song, you add a little twist and a flick of smile and you feel like you're the sexiest woman on earth. Everytime I see a person dances, I feel excited. I wish I was her, with so much confidence. There's nothing felt like a high than dancing to a live audiences.

Even until now, dancing is a part of my catharsis. Everytime I feel down, I put on loud upbeat music, shut off my other senses, and just move to the sound of it. All endorphins released and I can feel so much better. Dancing is the perfect exercise. All your muscles moves, burning the fat in your body, plus you get to listen to great music, and be happy at the same time.

Even now everytime I hear some upbeat song, I'd unconsciously move my body, be it in a public places =P. Sometimes I wish I was a professional dancer. Imagine, having your favourite hobby as a job, that would be perfect. Too bad my body isn't the ideal body, and my parents would flip if they now I dance for a living. Nothing wrong with it, they just want to see me working normally in an office or make my own business. Well, I guess dancing would just be my hobby then =)

A Long Over Due Letter To You

2008-09-15T10:26:00.003+07:00

Dear Heaven Occupant,

Hey there, how are you? I hope your soul is well. I hope there's no trouble up there, you shouldn't have any because you're already such an angel while you're still down here. I'm sorry I haven't talk to you since the day you left me. I've been meaning to, I think about it much but I just give up. I also haven't prayed that much for you. Not because I'm glad you're gone, that's a stupid thoguht, but because praying for you means actually knowing that you're not down here anymore. And even if it's true, I don't like to think much about it. In my mind, you're just somewhere far away where I can't reach. But that means that I haven't fully let you go and that's bad for you. So, if I cause a lot of trouble for you, then I'm really sorry. I didn't mean any of that. I'll try to pray for you now that it's Ramadhan. Too bad you can't go through this year's Ramadhan. Not like there's much incidents to tell anyway, Ramadhan this year doesn't feel that different than last year's. Well, except that you're no longer here, plus I don't even remember how I got through last year's. I'm such an ignorant.

I was just writing to tell you how much fun I did last night meeting a few of our old friends. I kept thinking along the night how you'd be so happy to be in the middle of us, to come to the meet-up with us. Among those familiar faces, I kept wishing your face would be there. But now I think of it, that would be pretty scary considering how things with you are right now. We talked and laughed about so many things, some of 'em are about you. You see, we miss you so very much. But you've probably known that, right? I also met a new friend last night, Siti, remember her? You used to call her Atun. They said she was one of your best friend, and I should be honest that that fact made me jealous and act defensive towards her on the first few minutes of the meet-up. I know I'm being silly, but could you forgive me for having such strong feelings for you even after all this time.

I feel so bad that you never knew how I'd feel about you. Once again my pride gets in the way of my feelings. I should really learn how to change that bad habit. You were very special to me, and you never knew how I was hurting everytime I meet you, trying foolishly to interpret every actions you took as a sign of your feelings for me. How flattered and hopeful I was when our friends thought we looked cute as a couple. How butterflies filled up my tummy when I saw you sang on stage that one night. How I was almost in tears hearing your deep, lullaby voice singing "The Drugs Never Work" in my car, even if it isn't for me. That song became one of my favourite now.

But as my ego grows stronger, I felt that telling telling you won't matter a thing. You never shown me any interest after all. I was totally blinded by my feelings for you that it never occured to me that you might not feel the same. You're a kind person and you've always been kind to everybody. I guess I took the wrong sign from your kindness. Last night as we chatted about you and how great of a person you are, I realize I've seen nothing of you and I've known not much of you. And here I am feeling so much as angry at you for leaving me, when there's more people out there who knows you more than I do, who you belong more to, that are capable of holding the anger and letting you go. Who am I to hold your soul down here? I'm not your best friend, I'm not your ex, I'm not even your girl friend. Siti said that you told her a lot about me, but I know nothing about her, how did that work? A part of me dying in breathless as I tried to surpress my curiosity of what you told her about me. Was it nice things? Was it the same things I told my bestfriend about you? Or was it negative things that you can't say to me?

As I go on writing this letter that I know you wouldn't read, my heart goes more painful. I chose the wrong time to be emotional, see, you weren't supposed to be emotional when you're fasting. But I'm afraid if I hold this thought until it was safe to be emotional, I'd forgot what to write altogether. I don't know why it happened, but it feels like fate or something, because events that are related to you came over me one after another. I stumbled through your old pictures, then our old friends, whom I haven't seen since forever, started calling me back and the to top it off, last night's meeting, after you've been gone for 135 days. I realized I miss you. I miss everything about you. The way your eyes flickered excitedly as you eye that snooker balls. the funny animated gestures you always made whenever you're telling me stories, the seductive way you blow smokes from your cigarettes, the tall lanky figure of yours, and many more. but most of all, I miss the way you make me feel around you, I miss your presence and I miss feeling being in love.

Hey you! I'm really sorry for all this emotional catharsis. It's not right, it shouldn't be deliver when it's long past due time. I was always too late. But I just wish you could forgive me. Like I've forgiven you for not having reciprocal feelings for me. I hope you're well, I hope I won't think of you as much later, I hope all those people that love you and beloved by you will be well, including that girlfriend of yours who suffered the most., the girlfriend that I never knew. I know I'm so much more lucky than her. I'll try to pray for you in every chance I get. And even if you did bad things in your past, in your time living down here, I know God has forgiven them all, because of the love you gave to us. You were such a kind person, I don't think I'll ever find one as kind and as special as you.

I will always love you,
Earth Occupant Who Secretly Loves You

My Life as The Daughter of a Diplomat Pt. II

2008-09-11T21:42:00.001+07:00

I remember all the experience when we first came to those countries we lived before (well, except New Caledonia, because I still a baby then). I remember the first few weeks living in Kuala Lumpur, we lived in a hotel, the four of us in one room. We went swimming everyday for the first 10 days before getting sick of it. I used to questioned my Dad and Mom why they hated living in the hotel for so long, I thought it was so much fun, our rooms get cleaned every day, plus it's just so fancy and luxurious. Now I think of it, it is kinda annoying, cause we don't get much privacy. I know my Parents are tired of sharing the room with me and my brother, if you know what I mean >_<

In Kuwait, it was much better. Because we've all grown and so the Embassy in Kuwait didn't just got us a room, but more like a small apartment with two bedrooms. I share my room with a distant relatives that came with us to help Mom in the household department. The place came with its own kitchen and living room and dining room, very much like a small home. but it was still to crowded for 5 people to live there. I remember the first night we're in Kuwait, a colleague of Dad and his family took us out to the largest supermarket there, using only one car. Imagine 7 people, 4 grownup and 2 teenage and a boy squashed up in a small SUV!!!

I don't remember much about our first arrival in Kuala Lumpur, but Kuwait wasn't really what I expected. But I wasn't dissapointed. I had the most comfortable, the best living condition there. It still amaze me how brave I was on my first day of school in New English School of Kuwait. Me, a girl who'd only know English from school and a language course in LIA, brave myself to study in a full English speaking school. To be honest, I didn't really talk and socialize that much on my first few months there. But it is true what people say that to learn a language is better when we're faced with the native speaker.

A couple of days ago when Dad asked what I'm gonna do after I finish my degree and go to Budapest? I said first I want to see Europe, take a good look at it, explore every exotic and historic places and prove that the beauty is really what other people said it is. Second, I want to learn languages.

Me: I want to study French, Italy, Spanish, German, everything!
Dad: You dream too much. I want you to study English first. Like really study at it, until you speak, write, think even dream in fluent English!
Me: Okay, Dad! Over-spirited XD

So, yeah, maybe I'll go to England, spend maybe 6 months studying English Lit, then I'll consider other option.

My Life as The Daughter of a Diplomat Pt. I

2008-09-08T22:24:00.001+07:00

Destination: Budapest, Hungary

You all already knew that My Dad is leaving for another job-post this year. This time he's going to Europe. Budapest, Hungary to be exact. The official letter came out about a month ago, most of their documents are prepared, and now they're only waiting for the Visas to be done.

Usually, around this time I'd get so excited, I'd start skipping school thinking I'd be done with them here anyway. We'd start hunting for clothes, usually underwear and such in bulks, according to the weather there. I'd daydream more during the day, fantasizing, expecting how things are going to be. How will they changed, how is it different than the last country we went.

But that's not the case this time. Cause I'm not going with them. Well, actually I am, but not right away. I'm catching them up next year, hopefully, when I'm finished with my degree.

On one side, this saddens me. Going out of the country has been the thing I've waited since I came here (that's a bit of an overstatement, more like since I broke up with my last BF, which is around 3 years ago). I'm a person who's easily bored, I can't stand living in the same condition for too long, maybe because I've been living in nomad since I was born. Plus, it's easier to run away when things gets too complicated and monotonous to deal with here =P.

Another thing that makes me upset is the fact that the country is in Europe!!!

That kinda the main reason why I'm so upset. Living in Europe has been my ambition, obsession, no my goal of life (how shallow =P). Well actually it goes like this, living in Europe means opening the door to an opportunity to travel around Europe, which is one big step of completing my goal of life and that is to travel the world.
Now, I'm a bit envious here that My Dad and My Mom and My Brother will get there a year sooner than me. See, we were supposed to do this together =(.

On a lighter note, not going there right away means getting those hassling business of moving to a new home easier. Over the years, I've experienced that it's the effort of moving that's exhausting. Looking for homes, choosing furniture, arranging our rooms, settling down, getting to know the area, uff!

So, me not coming with them straight away means no hassle on the moving business. I get to settle there right away when I arrive next year. Plus, the thought of traveling alone to Europe by myself excites me. Who knew I'd get to meet someone new on the plane >_< !!!

My Dad keeps on convincing that this arrangement is for the best. Once I'm done with my degree, I can go there and can practically do anything that I want. I've got no responsibilities anymore. I can travel around Europe, decide to study another language for a couple of months (French, Italians, Spanish, Germans), I can look for Master Degree opportunity (possibly a scholarship), go see different summer music festivals, anything!

I just can't wait till I'm graduating +groan!!!+

The so-called 'Death of Music Industry'

2008-09-04T23:13:00.000+07:00

Earlier today Jakarta Twitter User Group (J-TUG) had a insightful sane discussion about music. Something I have a lot of interest towards. It all started when @LovelyPink tweeted a quote about music and @kapkap responded with another tweet stating 'The Death of Music Industry'. It's basically saying how musicians nowadays barelly getting anything from the selling of CDs or Cassettes because of piracy. That they only profitted from the selling of merchandise and live performances.

I couldn't agree more.

I, myself, is guilty of pirating music off the internet (I know I'm not an angel, no matter how much I love and appreciate music and the artists) =P). Eveyrtime I hear a song that I like, I'd go searching online and download them from Torrent (if it's an album) or search on various file storage site (such as rapidshare.com) for a single mp3. Or if I'm really really stuck, I'd copy the songs url from Youtube and convert them myself. Crappy quality, but at least I got them. But don't go judging on me yet. I know I'm not alone in this case, and at least I have my own reason for my doings. Unavailibility.

See, one of the reason I'd go straight online is because I'm skeptical. I have little faith that here in my country (Indonesia), they'd have a CD of my favourite artist. For example The Last Shadow Puppets, they released their album since April 2008 but it hasn't even reach here. Even if they eventually have 'em, it'd way too long. Now I'm not a patient person, I can't wait that long. When a song/album comes out from my fave artists, I have to have them =P. Ergo, I search for them online. Now it'd be very easy if the album/songs that I'm looking for is a new released. But what if I want albums from say the 90's? Last night, I tried torrenting for an album by Death Cab For Cutie released in 2003, it's not there =(.

I have a fantasy of being able to go an online music store, type a title of a song or a name of an artist on the search box and there'd be a list of their album from the beginning to the latest one (including b-sides, remixes, unreleased and such) and I only have to click on the ones I like, type in my CC number (that requires me to have a CC first tho =P) and, voila!, those songs are mine. Now, I know you all are gonna go shouting, saying that there are already bazzilion online music stores that are like this (say iTunes or whatever). I know about it already, I'm not that dumb. The main problem is more personal.

I don't have a CC. And to make one is just fussy.

Maybe I should.

Just for the sake of buying things online, like books and music and eveyrthing else I couldn't get in stores.

But aside from that, is there really an online music stores with a complete discography of a lot of artist?

w00t!!! New Gadget XD

2008-09-01T08:35:00.003+07:00

You all might know that I've been wanting to have my own Notebook. But I'm not sure what set me off to actually search around for it and buy it. Maybe because I once ask around the Twitterverse about the latest cheap notebook and someone actually tell me about it and lead me to MSI Wind. I was so excited and imediately set my mind to it. They even have the pink version.

One small problem, Wind is actually quite small (10") and didn't have a DVD drive (obviously). So, it's either I go and get the 12" one or buy an external DVD drive. Dad promised for us to go look for it on Sunday, but we have to go to a family gathering first in the morning. I had small doubt that the store won't be open on Sunday. And the gathering lasted way long, which was what I feared.

Long story short, we went out around 3.30-ish to Electronic City @ SCBD. But they don't have what I was looking for. So, dissapointed and almost give up, Dad ask whether they'd have 'em @ Ratu Plaza. Again, I have my doubt, because I went there on Friday, and I didn't see one, but that was prolly because I wan't there pretty late when some of the store had close. But apparently, luck was siding towards Dad, because as soon as we got there, I found what I was looking for.

MSI Wind!!!

They apparently also have MSI PR200, which is the 12" one. As I saw the physics of it, I found it to be very small, and it kinda of turned me off. But I saw the 12" one and was immediately drawn to it. Especially after Dad said that using the small one might make my eye sore. And after a long debate and bargaining, mostly done by my mom (involving choosing the colour, the OS, the goodies, etc). I decided on MSI PR200-Blue XDDD

And to top off my excitement, I went to check Kinokuniya PS and got Twilight!!! If only I'd went there yesterday after work, I'd have gotten the book earlier =P. But, going to Aksara was okay too, because I found David Sedaris' book that I've been looking for. It seemed that my family have been spending extra dime, because on Saturday my brother also got a new mobile, and now eveyrbody in our family uses Sony Ericsson, talk about loyalty =P.

And so with this new notebook, I promised myself to be more creative in term of writings and reading old books (e-books), it may still be far from readable, let alone be perfect. But something has got to start somewhere right =P. Wish me luck with this new gadget and... Let's Welcome The Holy Month of Ramadhan =D.

Moronic Fans, Mental Problem and some Weekend Plans

2008-08-29T10:01:00.002+07:00

Today didn't start so swell =(

At 1.30am, I, in the middle of a deep, sweet, dreamy slumber, got woken up by an unknown call. I tried to ignore it first, hoping it was wrong number and the caller will realize it and would stop calling. But no, it rang again after the first one. Thinking it was someone I might know, i picked it up, only for it hung up. Damn! A moment later, as I tried to relax myself back to sleep, a text came in and said: "Sorry to bother you, I just want to get to know you. May I?"

WTH?!?!?!

I replied with a short: "Can it wait till at least there's sun up?"
Then there's another reply: "Oh, well sure it can. I was just thinking to text you now, cause I can't sleep."
At this moment I was already pissed, because I realized now my head had started to think and that makes it hard for me to fall back sleep again. I replied angrily, complete with capslock and all: "AND SO U THOUGHT U JUST TEXT SOMEONE AND WAKE THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT??? WTF?"
He replied back, texting all cute like a highschool kid with numbers in between letters and all sorts of emoticons: "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to bother you. I just want to know you. Sorry again."

Is this person a moron or what?! Is their head had just bump the wall or something?
Really? If you think you DON'T WANT to bother another person, then DO NOT call them or text them in the middle of the fucking night in the first place. No matter what the reason is. For goodness' sake!!! Is it that hard to understand? It's not really advance physics now, is it? That is some fucking simple manner. Gah!

After that, I can't sleep till 3am. Which meant I lost 1,5 hours of my beauty sleep, causing a bit dizziness when I woke up in the morning and leads to my stupid choice of outfit. Yes, I blame this poorly chosen appearance to that Moronic Fans of mine. I hope you will continue insomniac for the next week.

Aside from that, I recall having a strange dream last night. Can't remember tho whether it happened before the Moronic Fans called or after. All I remember is that there's this guy who's very close and dear to me, we were talking about our feelings and such. And I can tell that he's going to pop the question, ask me to be his girlfriend finally, but even my dream is full of suspense. As he was going to say that final sentence, his friend greeted him and... THEY STARTED TALKING TOGETHER AND IGNORING ME!
WTF?!

Meh. I woke up not knowing how he's gonna pop the question. Actually I don't even know what he's going to say anyway.
Shit. I may have some serious mental problem XD.

Aside from some mental problem and disturbance from Moronic Fans, I'm actually looking forward to weekend. I don't usually boast me income and such, but today all employee got a salary raise, w00t! Then, I'm planning to go to QB World and Aksara Kemang tomorrow after work. Been wanting to get new books, hoping they have that Twilight Saga books. Ever since I read some reviews over at Shelfari, I've been wanting to read it too. All I know is that it's a best seller story about teenage vampire, they even have a movie coming out.

On Sunday we have family gathering at lunch. After that Dad has promised to take me Wind shopping. Hopefully they still have the Pink version, second altenatives, the Black one. Super Excited!!!

The BritPack!!!

2008-08-20T21:00:00.009+07:00

One widely known fact about me is that I Love British! Well, UK actually, but let's say it's British to stick to the topic =P.

What I mostly love about UK or Britain in particular is the... boys! XD. And I'm blessed by how many Young British Actors coming on to Hollywood nowadays. So to commemorate that I'll post my list of British Actors +scrubs palm excitedly+

1. Jim Sturgess. His well known appearance was on that musical movie "Across The Universe" with Evan Rachel Woods, singing almost all of The Beatles' well-known songs, and looking adorably scruffy. Who knew this guy could sing, huh? He then amaze us all again by playing the smart kid from MIT who kill Vegas by BlackJack on "21". Handsome and intelligent, now that's more like it. But I particularly like his performance on "The Other Boleyn Girl" playing the brother 'George Boleyn' which near the end of the movie went through some pretty emotional scenes. Would love to see some of that scruffy face again XD.

2. Jamie Bell. Another British Actors who are more closely related to Evan Rachel Woods is Jamie Bell. From the adorable little boy from "Billy Elliot", he turned to an undoubtedly handsome young man. Breaking off his image of child celeb to a more adult image on 'King Kong' alongside Adrien Brody then finally hitting it big on 'Jumper' with Hayden Christensen, Jamie Bell has become one of those British Actors that are able to make it to Hollywood. With that strong jaw and a badboy attitude, Jamie Bell has many times captured my heart, most notably starring on a Greenday video clip, with then girlfriend Evan Rachel Woods, with a character so full of emotion. For more on Jamie Bell, might want to check out his movie called 'Hallam Foe' where he played a boy with the knacks of peeping on other people =P.

3. Ed Westwick. From big screen actors, we're on to small screen actors, where this lads fit in. Playing a gruesome, sneaky guy on 'Gossip Girl', who would've thought that Ed Westwick is British?! He may not have starred in any known movies, but his appearance on one of America's top TV Series is enough to make young ladies drool at the sight of him. People can't stand being annoyed but loving him at the same time. Opposite of his Gossip Girl role, outside the screen he is nothing of that fancy look. His looks is usually casual and irresistibly messy. Another plus points, he's a lead singer on a band called 'The Filthy Youth' based in London. How cool is that!!! Personally, I love their music, I wish they'd immediately signed to a record company and release an album.

4. Daniel Radcliffe. Do we really need an explanation for this 'Boy Who Lived'? Playing in all series of Harry Potter, Daniel had become a widely known British Actors that made it BIG to Hollywood. Not only that, it seems that he's not satisfied just being known as a wizard, therefore he tried playing on stage in 'Equus' as Alan Strang where he supposedly appeared naked on stage O_O! He also tried on a different character on 'My December Boys'. For me, he'll always be that young wizard continuously chased by The Dark Lord =P.

5. James McAvoy. Sidetracking from the title a little bit, we have James McAvoy. Okay, sidetracking a lot than the title and the topic, because he's not British, he's Scottish, and I don't think he's that young either. But you can't deny him on 'Wanted' and 'Atonement' (co-starring another British Actress Keira Knightley) now can you? Especially that scene on 'Wanted' where he came out of the bath barenaked... damn, that was something. I noticed him first on a UK-based movie called 'Starter for 10' and have found him fascinating. We can also find him starring in 'Becoming Jane' alongside Anne Hathaway and 'Penelope' with Christina Ricci.

Other deservedly mentioned British Actors are Jude Law, Orlando Bloom, Ben Barnes, Robert Pattinson, etc

It's not Bad Boy anymore, it's Unavailable Boy

2008-08-19T20:32:00.002+07:00

I used to have a thing for badboy. I once dated a junkie and pathetically loving it. I still do, my image of a perfect boy/man would be that he would be a little of a bad boy. Maybe the clubbing type or the weed-smoker type (I know, that's so bad of me).

We were talking once, me and a couple of friends, about how good girls likes bad boys more. Well, you see I'm no good girl, and I still like bad boys =P. In my opinion, I like bad boys because I want that someone to push me, to persuade me to do the not-so-good fantasy that I've been wanting to do. Nothing kinky (LOL), just the kind where we'd party all night long, or dare enough to leave for Bali without any planning. The kind like Logan from Gilmore Girls.

Right, so I made a point by saying how good girls like bad boys. But what I'm experiencing lately are way worst than that. It's not just bad boys anymore. It's unavailable boys. Boys that already have a partner to begin with (God, my love life is so messed up).

First there was this guy from the office. He lives near my house, and is still young (24). He's cute, funny, clean and very nice. Too bad he's got a girlfriend. I try not to think about him much, I don't want to get in trouble. Plus, I wouldn't stand a chance against his GF. But he makes it hard. He's always joking more with me, and he shares stuff with me, and he laughs with me, and we talk longer in pantry. I can't help but daydream about him all day. I know he's not giving me signals or anything, but I can't help it now, can I?

And as if one isn't enough, there's another nice in the office that I quite like. He's calm and physically attractive. He's humble even tho he's filthy rich. He's not like any other of his kind (I'm not trying to be racist or anything, but he's Chinese), and to be honest I don't see many Chinese as humble and nice and get along so well like he is. He's funny and a good listener, I like talking about silly stuff to him. And he's adorably childish. Like everytime I passed his cubicle, he'd do stuoid stuff, like surprises me, or holding his arm blocking my way. Just silly stuff. But it's adorable.

And just when I'm starting to like him, I found out that he's already has a relationship with one of the Girl CoWorker (which in my opinion doesn't suit him at all, but that's not for me to say). Now this is way more awkward. I try to ignore him, because once again I don't want to get in trouble, with my own co-worker in the same frikin office. But he kept doing silly stuff to me, joking to me, making fun of me, sharing stupid pranks, and he does it in front of his GF. Now that's just stupid right?

I don't know why they're doing this. More importantly, why can't I just stay away from them. It's like they have a bigger magnetic force towards me. Maybe this is why I can't have a proper relationship, because I'm always attracted to unavailable men.
Dammit!

And the train goes 'Choo...! Choo...!'

2008-08-15T09:00:00.000+07:00

I've been commuting with train since I started attending Uni. Which was around 4 years ago. But back then I didn't use train as often as I use em these days. Back then, I usually drive my own car, knowing I just learned how to drive a car and the euphoria was still there. Now I'm forced to use a train. I could drive my car, but I go out very early in the morning and come back very late at night, I don't have the energy to drive my car in this 24hrs jammed city. Plus gas price will burn my pocket if I drive a car every day.

With my 4 years experience, I have known almost everything about trains in Jakarta. How unreliable it is, how dependent we are to it, the tricks into getting comfortable in it, and other embarassing experiences =P. Just like this morning, my commuting partner told me a story how she accidentally slept on a guy's shoulder almost halfway over the ride. He woke her up finally, because he needed to get down. Now that is sweet, well embarassing too at some point, but sweet nonetheless. But we don't always get that kind of sweetness.

A couple of days ago, I fought with a lady because I saved a seat for my commuting partner. We got into this bitchin contest and ended up me saying, "Fine, if you won't let my friend sit here, might as well we stand up together!" And she replied saying, "Oh, what child, just like that and she pouts!". Of course I shot a cynical stare and ignored her the rest of the way. We ended up sitting on the floor (yes, on the floor, with a newspaper as a base).

I once also left my Accounting book on the train. I got off the train on the station near my campus and I immediately realized I left something on it. I got to the information centre and told them my misery and I had to wait half an hour before they confirmed they got the book and I could pick it up on the next station. Humph! I suffered 3 accounting classes in a row without the textbook =(.

I had ran accross the hallway of the central station to catch the last train heading to my area (and collided with several people and things in the process), had got off in the wrong station due to my acute narcolepsy, had been squashed to the corner and was unable to move because the train was so full that I can't get off until the last station, had fought with other passengers over a seat, stranded on the station waiting for the last train that came sooo late, and many other uncomfortable experiences.

But it has been fun! And come to think of it, I'm never get caugh in a traffic jam =)
Of course, the train often stops unexpectedly due to God knows what and made us all late nonetheless =P.
Taking Jakarta's train made me want to try out a more reliable, schedulized, well regulated train overseas. I always envy how Japanese train looks or how awesome the euro train sounds. Maybe someday, when I'm living there +cross fingers+

Another Project?

2008-08-14T00:25:00.000+07:00

Hmh...

I was thinking of making another blog over @ Wordpress. Nothing against Blogger.com I'm still maintaining this one (as if I have enough time to have more than 2 blogs =P). My initial plan was to make this blog @ Blogger.com to be a more personal blog, consists of my daily rants/stories/random thoughts. And the other one over at Wordpress.com will slightly be more professional, consists of reviews, opinions, comments on things I'm addicted to, such as awesome movies, stuck-in-my-head songs, unable-to-put-down books or TV Series that glued me to my bed.

I'm still confused about everything over @ Wordpress. But I think it's a pretty good idea don't you think?
I know you must be thinking, "But you don't even have time to watch that movie or finish that book, let alone write a review on it."
I say, "Ah, ye with little faith!"
That's also one of the reason, to encourage me to read more, to watch more. God knows how many books and movies and TV series I still have piling over that I haven't watch or read. Not the case with music. I can easily listen to them anytime I want.

I know it's a hard commitment. But I have to try, maybe this time it can balance my life and keep me sane.
On the other hand, I might not have time and it will rot to ground +sigh+
Right! Optimistic, Na! =)

You Find Comfort in Stranger

2008-08-09T15:01:00.003+07:00

Yesterday I had this Jakarta-Bandung-Bali Twitter Meet-Up. We didn't plan it, it all started when @anima said he's coming to Jakarta, then @budi said he's coming also, and suddenly everybody just decided we should meet-up for a Pizza. How random =P.

Anyway, after work I came to Senayan City and went directly to Pizza Hut to meet them. I'm not gonna bore you the details of the sudden appearance of @aulia, or @savitri's cute daughter, or how a gay guy greeted @budi, or the hottest topic of @anima and @LovelyPink's lovelife, or how we broke the record of 15 Twitteratis on a meet-up (Yayness!). But just in overall, I had so much fun.

I've always have a thing about meeting stranger. I feel like I'm the real me when I meet strangers =P. Maybe because these new people never knew who I was or what I did, and they don't want to know who I was. That's what makes it comfortable and easy. You just be yourself and show up. I mean we've never met offline before yesterday (not if you count a few minutes of meet-up with @kapkap a while back). But we had fun as if we're old friends. It's always exciting meeting new people and discovering new personalities. And I must say, they were all great people.

These new people also broaden my view of the world. I know more things now since I met them online, and it's never a bad thing to expand your knowledge =).

Naive + Nice = Fool...

2008-08-06T16:51:00.001+07:00

... kata @budi lho =P.

A couple of days ago we were talking about some people who're just too nice. Too nice here means too friendly, too welcoming, too accepting of others. A good friend of mine was once in trouble because of this. In short, she attracted attention from people she shouldn't. Things got awkward, but it resolved itself. By having other people acknowledging that she's just... too nice.

See, I don't mind with people that are too nice. I'm not that nice =P.
If I don't like a person, I ignore them. If they persist, I can be harsh. I don't take calls from them when I don't want to. And if my good friend found out about this she'd yell at me saying that I'm harsh. I don't talk to people I don't find important =P. I say rude things to keep out of unwanted attention. I avoid meeting them if they invite me. And usually they get tired of their own.

My good friend however, she plays their game. She spent hours talking on the phone with them, have a nice chats, laugh along. And after the call, she'd mumble at me saying how she hates taking calls from them.
WTF?! Why would you take calls from them in the first place?
She said: "It's impolite and too harsh not to take the call."
D'oh! That's kind of the point you're trying to make isn't it? Too make them realize that you don't want their attention.
Meh. But she has a different view that I'm just not gonna understand.

My point is, am I the one who's too harsh, or she's just too nice? Maybe I'm too harsh, because in the end, she's the one getting secret admirer from everywhere.

Another thing about her is she's naive.
She can't tell the difference of people that are trying to get her attention or people who's just being friendly.
I, on the other hand, have a gift on sensing whether a person have hidden agenda to me or to anybody close to me.
Like once this good friend of mine was getting close to a guy. I asked her whether she likes him, she said No. but from the way he calls her, the attention, the gifts, it's like he's holding a billboard over his head saying: "Hey, I like you so much!"
I told her about my opinion, and she dismissed it saying that he thinks she's so much like his best friend.
+sigh+
Now, that's just what I call reasoning.
I told her, if she doesn't like him, better avoid him soon. She just said no, he's just being friendly. And kept on answering his calls and replying his text.
Annndd... When the day came, he asked her out. She panicked to me.
Oh, well.

And to give living proof, I already know that @anima likes @LovelyPink from the moment he asked her number. No offence, @anima =P.
Kenyataannya bener kan? LOL

Painfully Elated

2008-07-30T10:00:00.000+07:00

A papercut is more painful than an intentional stab.
With a papercut, besides it's being unexpected, there's no one to blame.
That's why it hurts so much.

She doesn't blame you. How could she blame you?
The only one who'll accept her.
The only one who understands her.

She doesn't blame 'em. How could she blame 'em?
Those she know not.
Those she can't understand.

This is all fate. Painful fate. Heartbreaking fate.
That's just the way it is with you and her.
And she could only wish it's all part of the plan.
That way when it all work out, she can laugh.
Knowing the results.

She could hear, as the rock broke down the waves.
Glistened, as the ray of sunlight hits it.
Salty wind, as it swept her hair away.
Meanwhile, she was in a cold 16 ft squared cubicle.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

2008-07-29T09:45:00.001+07:00

I'm in pain.
And when I'm in pain. I want to vent. Haha!
I've talked to my best friend (she hasn't replied my emails tho). But admitting you have problems is one step towards recovery right? So I admit I have problem.
Now, dealing with it is another matter. I don't think I have the energy to deal with it yet. We'll leave it be. And until I'm ready, I'm going shopping =P.

Thank The Lord Above, I have been granted a small fortune from work. And I'm excited! I thought, what better way to relieve my stress than go shopping. So, here's my shopping list. It's basically what I want to buy, but maybe not all of them I will really buy. It's sort of a wish list too =P.

1. Kate by Kate Moss. It's a perfume. See, I've heard about this a long time ago. But haven't found one in Jakarta. Then a couple of months ago I came accross it and have been meaning to buy it since. Only, don't have the money yet. It costs 400k-ish. And now that I have the money. I will buy it. This one is a must. Because besides of how much I adore Kate Moss, I also am running out of perfume =P.

2. A summery strappy dress. I bought one a month ago. When Zara still has discounts. But since I plan on having a little vacation trip out of town, I thought I need another one. It wouldn't bring harm to have another one right. A girl can never have too many dress =P.

3. New pair of semi-formal sandal. Need one for formal event, maybe go to fancy dinner at fancy restaurant. Maybe a small family gathering. Maybe a classy girls' day out. Again, a girl can never have too many shoes/sandals.

4. Notebook (note a pad of bound paper, you fool =P). I'm thinking maybe a cheap 12" one. It doesn't have to be fancy or full of gadget or specs. I just need one capable for writing docs, browsing the internet and as a media storage. Shallow, I know, that's why I don't need it to be fancy. It's going to be pretty personal, I'm thinking of spending time in nice quiet coffee shop, exploring my mind, training my writing skill (which clearly have gone down the hill =P) with it.

5. Books, books and more books! Meh. I'm a bookworm, deal with it.

6. Whatever else I may see in the mall =P.

In other words, I can't wait to spend my money =P.
Who says I can't enjoy what I reap?

I Know The Simple Answer...

2008-07-25T23:43:00.003+07:00

... is communication and understanding for every relationship.

I'm a complicated person, or so I may think.
As described below on my Enneagram analysis, I'm a person who likes to observe. I'm passive, anti-social, and enjoys solitary. And I've always been fine with that. Most of the time. But one can feel so lonely sometimes.
And to have such a popular, cheerful, sociable Best Friend like mine (her initial is V) can be tough sometimes.

Me and V met 3 years ago just right in the beginning of my 3rd Diploma Semester. My first impression of her was how snobbish this girl is. Flaunting her so-called ad-like long jet-black hair. Boasting to everybody how she's so busy and famous without really saying. Like a hidden message. But she's not a bad person. Even though I think she's snobbish, I just have some kind of feeling that this girl is something. That we can click instantly.

And we did. I invited her to join my ride, since I had a car at that time and it was purely courtesy to offer a few friends that lives nearby a ride home. After a couple of journeys home together, we found out we share a lot of common interest. Never have a found a person so open-minded like her. We like the same music; we talk in the same language, metaphorically; I don't know, everything we talked about just connects. I understand her view of the world and so does she.

Se became friends since then. We even have the same family background. We both have one younger brothers of the same age, our Moms are stay-at-home Moms, and we are economically in the same level. We're both single and at that time it felt like we ruled the world. We went to school together, went back home together too. We spent weekends shopping together and watch our favourite movies together. We had sleep-over and BestFriend's day and fancy meals at restaurant. Everything GirlFriend does.

We went through problems together, hers and mine. Internship, graduation, Football addiction, Endless summer, up until now.
Things hasn't changed. Okay, I'm denying. Things changed a little bit.

I started to work and it took most my time. And she, as a friendly person as she always is, started to make more and more new friends. I admit, she's loveable and cheerful and friendly. You can't help but be friends with her and she does it effortlessly.
While I, on the other hand, is a skeptical and cynical person. I don't trust people easily, no matter how much I want to. I'm freaky and awkward (quoting Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy) and I don't make friends easily.

I was likely to get jealous. Especially because I just never had the time and effort to be social. Honestly, I'm happy for her. But a girl can't be happy for so long when she's miserable a lot. It gets to the point where it causes me a little pain when I knew she was getting close to a guy.

I'm not mad at her. I've grown and mature enough to know that it's dumb to keep your best friend all by yourself. And it just sounded so gay =P.
I'm mad at myself. For not being able to let go. For being stupidly jealous of little things like that. No matter how much I tell myself that it's all too childish and daft to be jealous of her popularity and good luck, I can't help myself.

But as I write this entry, I did some reflections on myself. I thought about it a couple of times. And even though I know I'll still be jealous of her, the only thing to get rid of it is by spending time with her myself. Communicate and Understand.

She's friendly and loveable and cheerful and sociable, and I should be proud because I'm her best friend =)

My Enneagram

2008-07-24T13:56:00.001+07:00

Enneagram Type 5:
Observer, Investigator, Thinker, Sage or Voyeur

Overview
You want to be intelligent, informed, knowledgeable and perceptive. More importantly, you want to be self-sufficient and not have the entanglements of obligation. You see yourself as intellectual, dispassionate and investigative. You would like others to see you as rational, logical and scholarly. Your idealized image is that you are thoughtful and wise.

Private and solitary by nature, you like to be invisible until you are ready to reveal yourself. You tend to stay on the sidelines preferring to meet the world with your mind. You prefer to play the role of detached observer or investigator. In general, you see the world as intrusive, overwhelming and chaotic–often demanding too much and giving too little in return. As a result, to manage the fear of not knowing, you conserve your energy and focus your attention on acquiring the information necessary to make sense out of the chaos.

Studious and scholarly, you develop expertise in any area that is of interest to you, often in more than one field. You believe that knowledge is power and feel it is imperative that you be as a means of survival. Often scientific, you have unparalleled powers of mental perception due in part to your ability to remain detached and unaffected by your emotions.You have an inquisitive and observant nature with an insatiable appetite for information. You think things through before offering your perceptive insights regarding systems, people or how the world works.

Avoiding the glaring light of scrutiny, you seek the safety of camouflage. When you feel that you lack intellect, you become withdrawn, isolated and reclusive. You see yourself as intense, unexpected, original and different from others. You are private and introspective, although others may think of you as anti-social, secretive, remote, and eccentric. You are not afraid to point out the ‘emperor who has no clothes’ and your wonderful sense of humor is based on postulating the absurd. Rather than the wave crashing on the shore, you have the strength of the undertow and know exactly when to give or withhold your involvement and information to have the greatest impact.

Need
Fearing intrusion, you need to keep yourself hidden and camouflaged. However intellectual you may be, you often feel vulnerable and exposed like an animal without fur. You need time alone to recharge and for others to not place high demands on your time or energy. It is essential for your well being that your mind is clear, your life uncluttered, and that you have the autonomy to control your time.

Avoid
You avoid standing out and/or being misinterpreted. You also avoid pretentious or ostentatious displays. You may find small talk or a brainstorming session at work to be an insufferable waste of time. You fear annihilation, contamination, and being fully embodied – as you feel more comfortable being with your thoughts than in your body. Because you prefer to live a life that isn’t weighed down by attachments – either material or relational – you also avoid surplus of any kind. The one exception might be a library of resources.

Virtue
Your greatest strengths are your clear objectivity, your instinct and your penetrating insight that is unfettered by emotions. You have an innate ability to gather information and create systems to assess and categorize data in a clear and concise manner. Mentally astute, you are able to observe, study and track even the smallest details, often developing expertise in many areas. Underneath your shyness and reserve, you are a kindhearted and giving person. You are also very loyal to and supportive of those you trust.

Vice
Your vice is avarice. This can manifest as a greedy hording of yourself, your time, your energy or your things. Be careful of your tendency to observe the world through a peephole. It can keep you isolated and out of touch with human concerns. Be aware of your tendency to withdraw into your ivory tower of ideas. Others may start to see you as arrogant and unfeeling. Being dispassionate and ‘cool as a cucumber’ is good in an emergency but hard on relationships.

Attention
Your attention goes to observing the world, hiding or withholding to protect yourself and gathering information for the purpose of knowing and understanding. Hesitant and reluctant to engage, you search for factual data, seeking reason, logic and objectivity.

Spiritual Journey
Your spiritual path is to reclaim a sense of non-attachment and experience true omniscience– true knowing from a higher source. Spiritual growth will come when you offer freely of yourself to others without fear of incurring obligation and realize that mere information can never be a substitute for true direct knowing.

Mantra
Your map of the world is a mental construct, not the actual territory. For deeper knowing, remember to include your feelings as they yield important information in any equatio. As a rule, you believe that there is always more that can be learned, known and understood. It is helpful to recognize when you know enough to make a decision.

Wing
If you are the Enneagram Type 5 with the 4 Wing, you desire to appear imaginative. You see yourself as aloof, understated, penetrating, intuitive, inquisitive and quiet.

If you are the Enneagram Type 5 with the 6 Wing, you desire to appear intellectual. You see yourself as changeable, receptive, careful, whimsical and trustworthy.

There's a reason they call it 'Windows'

2008-07-18T11:06:00.001+07:00

Situation: In Advance FA class, Lecturer is speaking about income taxes and such. Some uses MacBook to take notes, some has iPod lying around.
Lecturer: ... for example any of you know Steve Jobs?
Class: (silent)
Lecturer: Steve Jobs everybody? He just held a conference not long ago, releasing his company's newest products...?
Class: (still silent)
Me: (with the tiniest voice as so not to sound snobbish) Apple's Chairman
Lecturer: Yes... Thank you! Please, people, do not just use their products, but know, at least, the background of the company (pointing the guy with MacBook)
Class: (looked around at me and starts making 'Oohh...' sounds and weird whispers) WTF?!

That is just one among the cases that saddened me about the growth of technology and its information here in Indonesia, especially in the capital city in Jakarta. Gw ga ngomongin soal people yg emang have limited access sama technology ya. They're forgiveable. Gw ngerti kok ga semua orang punya advantage lahir di dunia yang berkecukupan ky gw. I know some people how only know computer for the first time as they start work. Orang2 yg cuma tau komputer buat ngetik doank. I'm not talking about them, tapi about the people yang seperti gue punya cukup resources untuk mengetahui teknologi dengan lebih. Orang2 yang mungkin aja punya resources yg lebih daripada gue to explore the world of technology better than I can. Dan orang2 ini, sadly, kurang punya knowledge untuk menggunakan resource mereka secara maksimal

The scenario above is just one of the proof that it happens among us. I don't have an Apple product whatsoever. I don't even know how to use Mac programs. But at least I know who Steve Jobs is. There's two types of irritating people when it comes to technology. Well, at least for me. One, is the type of people who's rich enough to have the latest gadget, tapi ga menggunakannya secara maksimal. Punya notebook canggih, minimalis, keren, disupport sama spec yg top-notch, tapi cuma dipake buat hal remeh-temeh. Punya iPod dengan ukuran bergiga-giga, tapi isinya lagu2 model d'Masiv, itu aja nge-copy dari orang. Punya handphone paling terbaru dengan spec ter-update yang katanya bisa surfing interwebz dengan kecepatan maksimal dan push e-mail dll, tapi cuma di pake buat smsan dan foto2 dari sudut atas menyamping (tau kan maksud gue). Punya DSL dengan kecepatan 1Mbps unlimited pula tapi download lagu aja ga bisa.

Ini tipe orang yang bikin sirik. I'm really sad (and mostly want to slap them) whenever I meet people who's rich enough to buy MacBook Air, but only use them to write papers, play games ore use the web browser. Mereka nampang di Starbucks or other coffee shop in one of the high-class mall in Jakarta dengan MacBook Air mereka, looking all modern and up-to-date, tapi kalo diliat windows yang dibuka isinya Friendster, Facebook sama Y!M (pengen ditampar ga sih?!). Maybe this is just another side of my personality yang sirik and jealous sama mereka. Ya sudahlah let them be. Tipe2 kaya gini emang ngeselin. Tapi yang lebih ngeselin lagi adalah orang2 yg di scenario di atas menatap aneh ke arah gue ketika gue tau siapa Steve Jobs itu.

Dude, isn't that a public information?
The second type adalah orang2 yg justru sirik sama kita. Gw pernah cerita sama temen gue (ya salah gue juga sih cerita sama org yg salah) waktu Apple mau rilis iPhone. Gue cerita betapa exciting-nya hal itu, tentang kelebihan dan kekurangannya, dll, dll. Responsnya cuma "Tau deh yang gaul dan ga gaptek."
Lho, WTF?
Salah gue apa?
Is it wrong for me to know those informations. Am I wrong sharing informatiosn ke mereka? Apa dengan kaya gitu gue merendahkan mereka yang ga ngerti soal technology terbaru?
Gue ga ngerasa gaul. Gue malah ga gaul sama sekali. Lagian apa sih definisi gaul? Ga ngerti deh.

Sometimes I feel maybe I am being snobbish. Mentang2 punya akses and knowledge and understanding of how to use the technology, trus gue feel guilty for boasting my latest knowledge. Tapi, salah mereka bukan? Mereka juga punya akses and understanding. Mereka bahkan punya waktu luang lebih banyak dr gue, tapi ga dipergunakan dengan baik.

Gue pernah ngakak spontan waktu denger temen gue bilang gini: "Eh! Tau ga?! Gue sekarang udah ngerti cara pasang komen glitter2 di friendster lho? Loe pasti ga bisa, soalnya kode2nya susah banget."
Tolong deh, gue udah bisa edit HTML dari jaman gue SMP. Kalo nyatanya gue ga mengaplikasikan kemampuan gue itu hanya karna gue males he8x.

Gue bukan tech geek, gue sadar kemampuan technology gue terbatas, masih banyak yg lebih muda dari gue dan lebih canggih. Dan gue ngakuin kok from the way I use those technologies, I'm only scratching the surface. Masih banyak yg gue harus belajar. Tapi gue juga emang menggunakan teknologi2 tersebut untuk my own personal enjoyment. Kalo gue dapet additional information along the way, ya syukur. Sometimes, gue sadar those people mungkin ga ada perasaan tertarik dan euphoria yg sama kaya gue ketika tau lebih jauh tentang teknologi2 ini. Tapi ga ada salahnya kan tau lebih jauh? Ga ada salahnya put more effort untuk buka additional windows dan baca2 perkembangan dunia teknologi masa kini? Dibanding punya sejuta gadget berkapasitas tinggi tapi wasted on something basic.

Guys, wawasan yg luas itu menyenangkan lho. The Internet holds power to everything you can imagine. And it doesn't need a lot of effort, cukup gunain apa yg loe punya aja skrg. Dan ga susah ngedapetin semua itu. Udah ada teknologi semudah google yg bahkan kalo loe ketik nama loe akan muncul sesuatu interesting (unless you're Wes Gibson from 'Wanted' =P). Gw juga pengen temen2 gw ngerti apa yg gw omongin...

Sorry...

2008-07-16T10:13:00.001+07:00

I'm really really sorry before I say this. And I mean I'm sorry for all the Sherlockian/Holmes-Watson fans out there and also to all The Libertines fans or Pete Doherty fans or Carl Barat fans, or others that may just feel offended by this statement. But I just have to say this because it really perturbs me in a way.

I think Holmes-Watson's relationship is similar to Doherty-Barat relationship during The Libertines.

There, I said it.

Again, sorry. I respect all the people/characters mentioned here, as a matter of fact I happen to be a fan of both Doherty and Holmes, that's why I felt a sense of familiarity and am drawn towards them.

I know I may speak without a fact and only based on my judgement which mostly are clouded by my emotional feelings. But to me such 'friendship' is beautiful and there's nothing wrong with it.

Or Should I Worry About You Too, Then?

2008-07-15T17:17:00.001+07:00

Hidup gue tuh terlalu santai.
Salah.
Gue terlalu santai menanggapi apa yg terjadi di hidup gue.

Just then, Mom called to say that my brother is diagnosed with DBD. And not one bit do I feel remorse. Santai aja gitu, malah becanda2 sama Mom soal betapa konyol-nya dia yg takut jarum waktu mau blood sampling. Bukannya menganggap remeh, cuma aja gue positif thinking kalo Adek gue ga bakal apa2. I have a strong belief that he can make it through. That we have enough resource, name it money or medicine, to make him better and well soon.

Trus lagi, selama minggu ke-2 bulan Juli ini, me and Marlyna have both been late more than twice. See, the rule in my office tells that employee should not be allowed to come late more than once in a week. On our third time late on Thursday, Marlyna were already fussing about how we're gonna get email stating our lateness and we should come up wit sensible reason, bla, bla, bla. I just sat there nodding. In my mind I'm wasn't worried one bit. I thought, let it be. Let them email us and we'll worry about that later.

Ada lagi masalah (well, it's not really a problem sih) gue pengen agak kurusan. Gue mikir, I used to be so thin about a year ago. And now I find it hard to fit to my old clothes. I'm not overweight, I'm far from overweight, tapi gue cuma pengen menikmati badan gue yg kurus-sedang ini sampe saatnya gue hamil nanti. Tapi baru worry sebentar, gue udah munching on bread lagi. Pikir gue, ah kalo mo watch my weight sekarang juga percuma. Gue ga ada waktu buat olahraga, dan gue sering stress, jadi butuh banyak comfort food (pikiran melenceng banget! LOL). Jadi gue set aside plan gue buat watch my weight, convince myself that I'll have the time nanti kalo udah berenti kerja, pada saat gue fokus ke perkuliahan gue.

Bukannya gue ga worry about all those random (and sometimes unimportant) things in my life. Gue worry kok, sometimes, late at night, menjelang tidur. Gue kepikiran bahwa lingkar pinggang gue hampir sama ama lingkar pinggang nyokap gue, gue kepikiran kapan gue mau fokus sama pendidikan gue instead of keasyikan kerja n dapet duit, gue kepikiran soal kemungkinan gue punya evil hidden personality yang bikin gue masih single terus sampe sekarang. Tapi trus lima menit kemudian gue udah ada di alam mimpi karena gue super capek dengan reality of my life sekarang. Trus jadi kesannya hidup gue kelewat santai.

Padahal engga lho. Dalam sehari (contohnya menit ini) gue mikirin hal2 itu. Gue panas dingin, takut, deg-degan, anxious, dan mulai impulsiv dalam menyusun my next big plan (yang jaraaang sekali terwujudkan). Tapi emang dasar bakat moody gue juga, setengah jam kemudian semua worryness gue itu evaporates. Dan gue kembali menjadi manusia cuek (he8x). Dulu waktu gue belom secapek sekarang, belom sebegitunya men-cherish ketika tiba waktunya tidur, gue bisa ga tidur lho malem2 karena mikirin hal2 yg mengganggu pikiran gue. Gue inget gue pernah ga tidur semaleman karena sehari sebelumnya gue pertama kali nyontek (jaman SD gitu) dan ketakutan setengah mati mikirin kalo2 gue bakal dipanggil guru besokannya. Kenyataannya gue ga ketauan tuh nyonteknya (yg membuat gue sekarang jadi PD nyontek ha8x).

Jadi just becoz I don't panic out loud and terkesan santai, bukan berarti gue cuek dan ga peduli. Gue peduli, cuma gue ga show kepedulian gue (which is somewhat wrong). Gue panik, cuma gue diem2 aja. Kata nyokap gue ini rentan stress, ya karena itu, gue terlalu menyimpan kepanikan dan kekhawatiran gue dan bukannya di share. Kenapa? Satu, karena gue (ga tau kenapa) ngerasa reluctant aja sharing about things that worries me. Kayanya ga perlu lah orang2 tau, org gue happy aja gue males bilang2 sama orang, apalagi kalo gue lagi panik. Dua, gue dikelilingi oleh orang2 yg panik. Ga lucu aja kalo gue ikut2an panik. Bisa heboh =P. Tiga, gue minder. Dan (satu lagi kekhawatiran utama gue) mikirin banget apa pendapat orang lain (katanya ini sifat buruk lho =P). Jadi gue berasa males kalo ngomong2 soal kekhawatiran gue, takut dibilang "Apa sih, Na?! Ga penting banget deh." Double worry banget ga tuh. Udah lagi worry about my current problem, mau cerita ke orang worry lagi akan apa yg orang lain pikirin (Freak!).

Jadi salah lah kalo orang mikir gue terlalu santai. In fact I constantly worry. About my looks, about what other people thinks, about my future... (self-conscious amat ya gw =P). I worry about my brother's health, whether he could survive his illness now. I worry about whether my parents are still going to be proud when they know I couldn't finish my education on-time. I worry about my family living in Jakarta (in which the condition is getting worse by day, ya politiknya, ya ekonominya, ya macetnya). I worry about my grandma going on umrah when she's so fragile now. And about millions of other things. Tapi ya... sudahlah, ntar aja mikirinnya. Enak dengerin musik nih, trus tidur =P

Why So Serious?!

2008-07-12T02:06:00.000+07:00

I'm in the crazy hype of The Dark Knight. Actually I've known about this movie way before all of this. But knowing me and my habit of being late realizing hype-ness of the world, it's no wonder I just beginning to get in the hype-ness of The Dark Knight.

I will honestly and shamefully admit that I didn't know Heath Ledger was The Joker when he died. And now I'm the one boasting that he should get a posthumous Oscar because of his brilliant acting as the Joker (although I haven't seen his acting yet).

I wonder why I'm so into this movie so much. Much more than any other movie I usually anticipate. And after seeing a couple of trailers and promotional poster, I realized that even though there was a Batman movie years ago with Joker in it, I feel like this version of Batman's Series is more dark and gruesome. And what more appeal to me than a darker version of The Dark Knight =P.

The earlier version was light because it was meant for kids and younger people. But this current version due 18 July, I think, is mainly targeted to older audiences. It presents more visual effects and shows more character growth. I mean, Heath Ledger even intentionally spent living isolated in a hotel room for a month for The Joker character to grow in him. That is quite an effort.

The movie was said to be an epic and consist of more thrill than any other Batman's Series. It's like watching a different (darker) view or take of the interpretation of the comic itself. It doesn't always have to be heroic and light like the older versions. But there could be a deeper exploration of the events from the comic. And by deeper, I mean, more dark and grim =P.

It has been widely known about my anticipation towards this movie. I can't wait to see Ledger's auspicious performance, to see the uber cool visual effects, the growth in Bruce Wayne's character and many more. I have a feeling if Ledger is still alive, this movie would be the one to boost his career and make him achieve more than what he's been doing.

Hm... Maybe that's why the movie felt so eerie in the first place. There's a sense of Ledger's death in it... Spooky =P

Is Being Too Independent Wrong and Means That I Won't Be Able To Be In a Relationship?

2008-07-08T17:28:00.001+07:00

Me and V had a nice chat over text message last night. First we were talking about how we're going to Jogja for holiday before the new school term starts. Why Jogja? Because I think V is desperate to finally see Mr. Doctor, which currently studying and resides in Jogja. I agree with her. I thought, yeah why not, I could use a little holiday out of town this year. Then the conversations lead to whether V should ask Mr. Doctor to bring along a friend for me to hook up with. I said, I wouldn't mind having a summer fling with a nice educated guy studying medicine as a major =P.

Then I started telling her about this guy I just met cyber-wise. He's a bad boy but awesome, caring, smart and we share a few common interest. Too bad he's unavailable (as always the case with me =P). I respect him and adore him, and he treats me like a little sister. Then we started talking about how Mr. Doctor is leaving for Umrah and how they're gonna miss each other. Then I said I can't imagine myself being all lovey dovey with anyone after everything that happened.

The main point was for me to understand that the main reason for my single-ness probably was because I still have the fear of being over-dependent. I think now I have dependency issue. See, everytime I meet someone and becomes involve with him, I always get scared the minute he starts over-protecting me. I don't want to end up like I was before. Getting too dependent to a guy and when things get bad he left me and I'd be like a parent-less child. It's been 3 years already, I might seem to get the hang of things now, being independent, self-service, taking care of things on my own and speaking my own opinion and stuff, but I'm not ready to let that power go yet. That feeling of freedom and power to do whatever I want and not letting people mess up my opinion. I don't think I'm ready to let go of the control over myself when a guy comes along.

I'm not saying I don't want a guy to take care of me, but I'm used to taking care of myself now and I'm just afraid to get comfortable. I'm scared that if I'm comfortable enough I will lose myself and my identity again. And I'm still scared of that. I know that I'm only one who can control these things. I should be able to restrain myself and try not to be dependent so much. But, who knows what love can do? When the seemingly perfect guy comes along, who knows how hard I'll fall? I'm a surviving victim of it =P.

So, I guess I just don't trust myself....
Geez, never thought I'd have an issue with myself =P

There's a Gem in Every Dark Moments.

2008-07-07T13:47:00.002+07:00

I had my so-called birthday celebration on Saturday. We went out Kareoke-ing and had an uber fun, dorky and exhausting photo session after. Got some really cute pictures and posted them already on my flickr account.

The crew member were Me, Vibhy and Karina (of course), with the addition of Ririn, Sari and Yono. Funnily enough, those additionnal people were the people I least expected to have fun with. Reason was that, truthfully I never was that close with them. We were together a couple of time for study group, and share a few classes together and take the same route home together. But never had the serious talk moments or the honest mockery moments or just plain having fun. My initial intention to invite them was pure courtesy, just to show my gratitude for putting up with me and for helping me get thorugh classes and exams.

I also invited a few other people along. The people I'm kinda close to, had a heart-to-heart moments with and share fun, delightful moments with. But those people couldn't make it, because they had another birthday celebration for this guy who had his birthday a day after mine. I don't have a problem with that, I honestly don't. But I did invited them earlier (on Tuesday) and already asked if they would have any plans for the weekend. And they said they didn't have any. So I prepare the invitation for them, only for them to bail out last minute. Literally last minute, as I was on my way to the event. They could've at least told me when I sent the invitation down that they couldn't make it. I mean, I'm sure they alredy have in mind for planning to go to this other b'day celebration. But if they did went out for this other b'day celebration in spur of the moments, well that's just wrong. Because I invited them first. Unless, they thought that my event wouldn't be fun enough.

Anyway, I'm over that thing. I was didsapointed for a while. But thanks to Vibhy (she always knows when I need cheering up, although I never ask for it) for reminding that we will have an excellent day. I picked them up at campus and went straight to the karaoke place. Thank God there wasn't many people there, although it is weekend, and we got a room straight away. Seriously, karaoke is a simple place for you to know the real personality of a person. It brings out the crazy side of you, the side that you don't normally see everyday in school. We were all acting formal and was being cautious at first, but as soon as the first song was played, we took off our guards and just be ourselves. We sang off-key, screamed, jumped on the couch, danced geeky, and did many other stupid things =P. But it was so much fun, like a release after we've done with mid-term exam and fatigue and eveyrthing else.

We karaoke-ed fro 2 hours, had small meal, then before we went to Menteng Park, we took some pictures in the bathroom and on the park outside the building. On the way to Menteng Park, we had a silly, stupid incident involving a police officer (I really feel bad now that I remember about it). But it was minor and we continue our way to Menteng Park. We arrived there @ about 4pm-ish and the weather was nice and the sun was still bright, so we had fun taking pictures, not caring that there were a lot of people also there. We stayed until around 6pm-ish, then I dropped them off @ Kampung Melayu Terminal because I still have a dinner appointment with my parents and brother.

Overall, it was a blastin day. I think everybody had fun and there were no awlward moments or anything, we enjoyed each other's company and I'm kinda glad that they were the kind of people that stick to you. I'm kinda glad that those who didn't make it, well, didn't make it =P. It's far that what I expected, but it was also better.
I just wish I had someone to share it romantically =P

Same Old Story... It's getting tiring, I need to change the topic. Really!

2008-07-04T13:30:00.000+07:00

A colleague noticed that I've been looking sleepy most of the time, looking pale and use any free-time that I get to doze off. He's worried and kept wondering if maybe I'm showing diabetic symptoms. Huh?!

I'm not one to complain [yeah, right!], but I have been feeling really tired and not getting any break lately. Since the beginning of May [I think], things had been going crazy. It's one event after another. Upi's death, Sum 41 concert, then there were Audit Preparation in the office [stress, pranoia], 2nd term Final Exam on the end of May together with Accounting Closing period. Both have driven me nuts. As a result my finals were dissapointing, there's 1 subject I didn't pass and that's heart-breaking. Then June starts and so does my short-term period. We didn't get any holiday whatsoever, then there's the Accounting Information System task we had to do twice a week for a whole month [there were a lot of late night-early morning group project/study], which I think drained most of my energy, along with the hypeness of Euro 2008. And now it's end of June accounting closing period as well as quarterly reporting together at the same time as my mid-term exam.

I'm starting to not get enough sleep, sometimes not sleeping at all. When I do have time on weekends, there were always something getting in the way. And now I'm tired. I'm just tired [the song 'Bittersweet Bundle of Misery' by Graham Coxon starts playing in my head].

And yesterday was my birthday. And I'm not happy. Well, it wasn't really a happy end-of-the-day. And all I keep imagining now is napping in the afternoon, listening to endless online music on Last.fm, reading novels until my eyes hurts, and the most heart-breaking, hugging my mom whilst talking to her. Those imaginations kept playing on 'Repeat' in my head.

Barijoe [http://twitter.com/barijoe/statuses/849621935] said:
"If you wake up tired, something's wrong"
And that's exactly how I feel.
Tired and something's wrong =P.

My mom said:
"If you're not happy, don't do it. It'll make you grow old faster."

So... I'm quitting my job.
Come October =P.
Don't blame me, I still need the money.
And hopefully I'd be strong enough and not bail anymore.
I need to start getting my life back in order, sort some stuff up and finish what I've started. There's always consequences and sacrifices, and I'm sacrificing my source of income. I mean, if you're skint but you're happy, that should be enough isn't it? I have managed to live almost 19 years without my own source of income, I should manage. Hopefully. Probably.

Unhappy Anniversary?!

2008-06-30T15:27:00.001+07:00

So...
Birthday is coming in 3 days.
Will be 21 and officially legal. Awesome!

I was just thinking what I'm going to do. I never thought birthday as something of a big deal. It's just that I'm 21 now, and I think I owe some people that I should at least treat them on this occassion. I mean to be honest, I never have my birthday celebrated just by me and friends. It's always a party arranged by my parents, inviting cousins and distant families, or sometimes it's just a dinner with me mom and dad.

Come to think of it I don't think I ever celebrate a birthday with a boyfriend. Hah!

Wait, once! but it was a long-distant relationship. And I only got a text message =P.

So... I don't know, I have an idea of having a nice exclusive, fancy, dress-up kind of dinner with a few close friends. The trouble is, I only have a few (finger-countable) of them and I don't think they can make it. It's not like I want to invite the whole troops, I don't like spending and celebrating a personal thing like this with people I barely knew. It's just not my thing.

Another problem is, I have a few friends from different communities, and to assemble them together...?
For instance, I have a friend who's been my closest since I'm in Junior High, she's top list. Then I have a few online friends. Then there's campus friends which are also divided into several cliques, but if I invited one of them, the I've to invited the others, who's, really, I'm not that close to. Man, it's all complicated. I wish I was still in hih school, with my little groups and then celebrate it with them. God knows where they are now, scattered all over the world I guess. Last time I heard, one of them is in Canada, then a few in England, a few still in Kuwait, one in USA... +sigh!+

I could always forget about all that and just bring a box of cookies or cakes to class and pass them around.
Always look for an easy way =P

In.Need.Of.Psychiatrist

2008-06-27T16:28:00.001+07:00

"Girls are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

I found this quote/sayings/proverb/whatever from stumbleupon [which, I shall tell you, is an amazing tool for... stumbling to this kind of site on the web]. I tumbled it and got reblogged once by kappachan.
The meaning of it is obviously clear, and I assume all of you prolly know why I think it's worth getting spread out.
When I first read it, it just hit me that this is so true. Especially when you look at my condition [who's been single for the past 3 years, and it does not feel good I tell you, it brings your confidence down the hill]. It gave me excuses and reasoning and it boost your confidence and all.

But I've been known to have a cynical, insecure minds. And even though this simple words did lift my spirit up a little bit, I honestly feel that I don't deserve it. The more I read it, the more I feel it's not for me. The more I don't believe it. The more I think it was made to just make the kind of people like me feel light up a bit. I've felt dark and cynical for so long that for a second the thought of being the rotten apples on the ground than to think [or put to my mind] that I'm amazing and that I deserve a brave boy who'd climb up to get me is better.

I really need a psychiatrist!

To be honest, I have a very dark view of the world. I believe this world had become so destroyed, that there are no ways of saving it, and that the only thing you can do is be selfish and save yourself [God! There must be something wrong happened while I grow up].

Let me tell you what happened to me when I first read it, my heart beat a little faster and there were two voices screaming from both sides of me. One is saying things like, "See, there's still hopes for you. Yes, you are amazing. Yes, you deserve way better than what you got before. Don't worry, the longer the wait, the better the prize."
The other, "Oh come on, be real! What have you to offer those amazing brave boys when they come for you anyway? Don't feel too much pride, there are way a lot more girls that are way better than you. Look around. And plus, you will manage to find flaws on that brave boys anyway, because that's what you do. You think everyone is either too good or too bad for you. So stop wasting your time dreaming fairy tales will come your way."

I know, I know. It's too extreme. But that's how it is for a split second. I have trust issues, insecurity, low self-esteem, and no pride at all.
I think everyone is either too good or too bad for me.
The ones I like [have a crush on] are way too handsome, too rich, too smart, too normal for me. And the ones that like me [or have interest in me] are way too... flawed. He can't speak English well, he lives too far from me, he's too old, he's too young, he doesn't work, etc, etc.

I can't remember the last time I was deeply blinded by love, well apart from imaginary figures. Oh, wait I can! It was with Kiky.

That moment it happened. He stole my innocent and dreams and faith in fairy tales.
He made me grim.
Or maybe I'm just blaming people off, when really it was my selfish, self-centered, lazy-bum, can't-be-bothered self who's winning the battle.

I'm always constantly curious on how people, well girls mainly, manage to become someone else when they deal with men. Like for instance, I've a friend she's quite good looking, not too stylish, very casual and sometimes rude and snaps a lot [which I don't think it's cool for a girl]. But what amazes me is that she could have this secret relationship with guys, text them a lot [one of them is the guy I like], call them, but act like they're just friends when they see each other in campus.
I've talk to V about this and she said, certain girls have a way of attracting guys thru a simple text or call. I want to be able to do that. I want to know what to reply to guys or said to them that might interest them.
But at the same time, I wouldn't want to do it if it requires me to be someone else. I mean when you fall in love with someone or feel some kind of attraction, it should be effortless right. Well, even if it requires effort, it shouldn't be an obligation. Oh, you know what I mean!
Hhh... I'm ranting. And that's not good.
FYI, from the beginning I write this my mood had changed about 4 times.
That's how crazy I am, that's how shambolic I am.

A True Love Should't Face This Many Obstacle. Or Maybe It Should?

2008-06-23T13:34:00.001+07:00

But can't I have it easy tho. Just like in those modern novels, where girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl makes move on boy, girl hook up with boy and live happily ever after. Without any other variables getting in the way.

Hohoho...
Life sure is full of challenge, just when I finally decided that, yes, I want to be more active. I like this chap and I'll put out an effort to attract him. But, considering it's me we're talking about, it wouldn't be right if there weren't anything up on the sleeve. Of course I couldn't just decided on a bloke and make it happen. This guy that we're talking about, I've known him for quite a long time. That what causes all this messy stuff to happen.

See, I like this guy. We were friends. Wait, we are friends. Not that close of a friends, but closer now than before. I knew him from my ex, they used to play football together. I think they still do now, sometime. I don't know. When we were still in our old institute, the one where we got our diploma in Depok, we were still naive and laid-back and couldn't careless about anything else in the world. Thus, it shown from the careless way we dress, act, talk, etc. But now, we've grown. We have more responsibilities. Some of us have our job, some of us starts to think more about the future. Others just act and dress and talk more mature. Because it's been, what, almost 4 years since the first time we stepped into college life.

And so, the fact that I used to feel nothing about him, changes too. I used to think he's just a messy guy who I know of. A guy who, sometimes, hung out with my ex, and not often, with me too. We don't have anything in common to talk about and only exhanged a few 'Hi's. Then my BFF told me she liked him. I'm not trying to hook them up, I barely knew him.

Now, we started to know more of each other. We talked about a few common interests, texted each other and stuff. He's becoming more of a man. He starts to look nicer, got a proper job, clean his looks, and act better. And even though I hate to admit it, he looks great and it made me like him even more. I have always considered a slight possibility of hooking up with me, though I never really think of it much. I don't know why. I just think it'd be weird, me and him.

But, I have to say, I'm kinda smitten. I kept thinking about him, I kept having this urge to text him and I turns into this nice, smiley, cheerful girl when I'm around him. You must think, so what you're waiting for, go make your move. Well, if only it were that easy.
About 5 conditions I have to think about:

Well, there's the fact that my BFF used to like him. I mean, okay she has someone else right now, it's not like she was madly in love with him before, it was more like a stupid crush, but I understand her feelings. I wouldn't want her to hook up with any guy I used to like too. It would feel bad enough to know that the guy you used to like, have feelings for your BFF, let alone it was your BFF who make the first move.
Competition. It seems that the more he grows up, the more girls like him. I've already heard from one of my classmates that she likes him and another girl confessed to V. And who knows how many more? Apparently, he's the only lad who's still single around this time. And, I don't like competition. I suck at this kind of competition.
Bad testimonial. I've heard from his fellow friends that he has an unusual way of getting to know girls. And he's rude, and he's careless and ignorance and un-romantic and doesn't treats a girl like a princess (the latter I know from my classmate that likes him too). Yeah, I shouldn't just trust it. I mean, so far he's been nothing but nice to me. Well, not amazingly nice, just nice. Like friends nice. Like we sometimes mock each other, but still tolerable. He hit me and pinched me, but it wans't hurtful. And he is rude sometimes, but he meant it as a joke. Or, mabye I'm blinded by love =P.
He has a slightly annoying girlfriends in his cliques. Real annoying. Like they all think they own him. And I don't think they like me either =P. I wouldn't want to be judge by other girls who doesn't even have any relationship with him. Ugh! I hate cliques! I couldn't get away from it though. Who knows who'll he defend, he might surprise me.
The ultimate fact that HE MIGHT NOT LIKE ME BACK AND ONLY THINKS OF ME AS HIS FRIEND. Ooh... the rejection risk. We all have them, but in my case it's higher risk. Why would I waste my energy making a move on him, fighting through all that conditions mentioned above only to get rejected. Yeah, I'm skipping that!

So, why am I still smitten? Am I not used telling myself when there's no chance, let it go? I guess it's because...

He's handsome. Hahaha... Yes, the simple reason why there's a competition in the first place. His style is just cool. Very rock 'n roll, and young and unrestricted and free. Not so much metrosexual. Which is fun. To keep me young too =P.
We have almost the same taste in music and TV, and he likes going to concerts too. And he likes to listen to rock 'n roll music too. In other word, I can almost tolerate his music sense. Because like Nick Hornby said in his book 'High Fidelity', "The truth was that these things [common interest in music/TV/Movies/Books] matter, and it's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently, or if your favourite films wouldn't speak to each other if they met at a party."
He's well settled. He has a job and when he didn't, he's willing to look for one. He has a car and a motorbike [although maybe it's safe to say they're his parents']. He's smart. But at the same time he's fun, and carefree and young and still wants to go crazy and spotaneous and sometimes act irresponsible. Which is a good combination. I'm not matarialistic, but come one, if I have a job and settle and think about the future, then so must he.
He has a good background, I think =P. Judging from his full name, I assumed he might have has the same cultural background as me.
Because he's single and I'm single and been single for quite a while. And he's a good person, and I deserve a good person. And he might as well deserve me too. I mean really, does love need a reason?

Maybe we're not meant to be together. I mean, I shouldn't get my hopes up seeing how there hasn't been any reaction from him anyway. But I kept telling myself that he hadn't reacted yet because I haven't tried hard enough. On the other hand, I don't want to try hard for all the wrong reasons. Why does relationship have to be this hard?
Because the only thing harder is being alone...

Lend Me An Ear... That's all I could ask

2008-06-17T10:49:00.001+07:00

When someone had opened up and poured their heart out to you, trusted you with their most personal feelings, is it only fair that you do the same to them?

He had been very open, he had asked my opinion on a private matter, he had asked me not to tell anybody about his problem and it was an intense heart-to-heart talk. In fact, I hadn't had that kind of talk for a long time. Not even with my Best Friends. He seemed like the guy with an open mind and a heart that doesn't judge anything or anybody. I know I sometimes said that I don't judge people, and so it was nice to know that there are other people who doesn't judge either. It's not like my Best Friends judge things that I couldn't talk to her. But my BFF has a personality that only make it fair for her if I acted strong and tough and that I had no problem putting things behind me. When really it seems that I haven't, I couldn't. And so I haven't been able to appear fragile and weak, I acted as if I'm moving on and that whatever I'm going through right now is on my own term and choice, not because I'm still physchologically hurting.

I don't know if I made the right decision telling him my story. The true version of my story, the truth and the most honest version. The version I don't tell people because it would leave me naked and exposed. The version that contains things and facts that I don't think other people including my BFF could understand. That facts I usually left behind, and so it would only leave my story as a story of a naive girl. When in fact it contains much more than naivety. It is filled with passion and pain and frustration and tortured soul (okay, that's a bit too dramatic).

And that's what I told him. And he was okay with everything. He even asked questions that were surprisingly cleared my mind off, enlightening me with new assumption as to why those things happened to me. The statements he pointed, frighteningly true, made me realized that I shouldn't dwell in this feelings forever.

I'm not going to fall in love with him. He wasn't like any other men that has presume to think they could understand and see me. He was merely being a good friend with advices. Advices that undoubtedly affect me so deep that I couldn't even fall in love with, I could only shook my head and be amazed at how much sympathy I have for him. And that no matter how bad things I've done, he wouldn't mind, because maybe I don't mind the worse things he did in his past and/or how un-natural he's behaviour currently. A simple act of listening and un-judging and stating the harsh truth could amazingly make other people feel better.

I used to underestimated it when someone says "It feels good sharing and talking with a certain people who listens." I thought problem doesn't go away just by talking about it, but the truth that I get from him is that by talking and receiving feedback, we were able to see a different view and deal with the problem with a new point of view and a clear mind.

So, I thank you. It was nice sharing with you. I may not be able to deal with my inner demon just yet, but talking to you gives me hope. That I'm not totally ruined yet, that I should bury the past and move on and that it's okay to just be yourself even if that means appearing weak and helpless.
You are something quite spectacular and godsend =P

Personal means it's not Public, you DumbAss!

2008-06-11T13:49:00.000+07:00

I have a hard time accepting direct critics. I know it's not good, and I'm not proud of it. I'm learning to get better. But only if the direct critics are aimed at me professionally. Not when it involve my personal life.

My relationship with my parents are a bit different than normal. Apparently not so different, because I find Alita n V have the same sort if relationship like I do with my parents. I don't talk polite with them, I talk to them like we're friends. Sometimes I'm rude and harsh, and I don't use polite words, etc, etc. But we get along fine. Better than ever. I remember when I was younger I used to feel distant from them. You know, puberty and my little brother happened. I get jealous because they seemed to care most about him, plus I was away from them on my 1st and 6th year of elementary school (I go the school near my Granny's house, so I lived with her). And on the rest of my elementary years in Kuala Lumpur my mom and dad were always busy at work. We only get to spend time on weekends. But that was enough for me.

I wasn't a spoiled kid. I never asked for anything and demand that I should have them (accept maybe for a couple of books =P). I'm happy with what they provide to me and even when I want something and they refuse to provide it to me I can accept. I've learned the fact that whatever my parents said or do is for the best of me from younger age. And from what I gather they were proud of me, because I did well in school in Kuala Lumpur, I participate in a lot of artsy activities and Embassy's event. So I guess it was a great relationship.

When I was in Junior High School I had the worst relationship. We never fight or anything, we were worse. We were distant. I could never find anything appropriate to talk to them. Come to think of it, I can't remember anything warm or happy or cuddly about my relationship with my parents at that time. I was at the peak of my cynical and cold attitude. I can't remember any vacations, happy weekends, or a simple family gathering. I can't even remember what we did for my birthdays. No memories whatsoever about my relationship with my parents from the year 98-01. I don't hate them, but I'm not so into them either. I think it was all my fault too because I didn't make an effort to reach out to them.

Things only start to get better when we moved to Kuwait. It was tough for everybody, but we stick together. We had a couple of issues, but we deal and solve them together. I had my share of being the rebellious teenage girl who thinks that me and my boyfriend are the most important thing in the world, and when it didn't turn into a beautiful fairy tale with happy ending, my mom was there for me. She wasn't as busy as before and so was my dad. We had more free time And I started to grow into young adult and spent more time with my mom shopping or beautifying ourself. It was a nice turn of event, I find myself more open and didn't feel awkward talking to her. We had so much fun shopping and gossiping and doing Ladies' Things. My Dad couldn't be more proud of me for attending a British School and we find more subject to talk about. But I was still a rude and ignorant person. And if I'm not comfortable talking to them using polite words and all than conventional act, I'm not gonna do it. I talk to my mom, like I talk to my best friend. And she's fine with it.

So yesterday, when she called me when I was in a taxi with a couple of co-worker, I talked to her like I normally would. I raised my voice a couple of time when I get excited, I used 'Gue-Elo' unconsciously, I shrieked, I grunted when she made a mistake (we were talking about a computer application or so), I igonred her when she bugged me and before we hung up I just said 'Right, Bye!'

Then all of a sudden, in a smug way one of my colleague said: "I'm just saying, as an older person, you're very rude to your mom. You shouldn't said 'Bye!' You should've said 'Assalamualaikum' and be nicer, instead of shrieking and grunting. She's your mom, you know. The one that gave birth to you. Really, teenage these days."

WTF?!?!?!

Okay, usually I'd be fine with critics, especially from that particular person. I usually ignore him. But, this time he criticized me for being rude when he was the one talking and making silly noises and being rude while I was on the phone. It made my mom asked cynically who was I with.

So yeah I got pissed off because of two things. One because of the obvious thing stated above, and two because I don't like people criticizing me about my personal life. They don't know my parents, they don't know how I'm like at home, they don't know my history with them. So please, don't judge. Even if they want to judge, keep it to yourself please. I don't need to hear your opinion about my parents. They're my colleague from work. They have no right speaking about my parents. I'd very much like to keep this working relationship professional and prefer for them not to know about my family, vice versa. It bugs me so much to go through talking and explaining about my personal life to people I'm not gonna be close with. And no, I don't intend on making a close relationship with people I work with. I'm not gonna be here long, so I don't feel like I need to open up and let everybody know about my personal life. Not even how many brothers I have.

Seriously...!

It Didn't Came Out Of a Box, But It's Still As Surprising

2008-06-09T11:53:00.002+07:00

Yesterday was an exciting day. It wasn't planned, it just happened, and it's exciting and delightful. Because it's surprising for me altogether [okay, I know that just sounded too much and too chirpy]

I woke up late, as usual. Because why have a Sunday when you can't wake up later than 9am? Lol. Mum n Dad were planning to go to BSD to checkout this site for opening new coffee cafe. I couldn't be bothered to come, I had to wash my hair first, and no one can rush me when I'm washing my hair. So me and my bro stayed behind and planned on having lunch somewhere instead.

I also had some things to get anyway, so we went to Plaza Semanggi, because we hadn't been there for ages. We ate at Platinum [delicious Chicken Mozarella] and 'bonded' =P. After that, I get my errands done, got me self a new earphone [cause the old one I had, the one I got with the mp3 player, had totally busted], mp3 cassette adaptor [because the old one I had busted too] and bought a new car key chain. As I strolled around, I found a DVD store and went inside. No expectations whatsoever, but surprisingly, I found The Fratellis' and Graham Coxon Live in Concert DVD!!!

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw The Fratellis' DVD because I knew they weren't that huge here. I immediately grabbed for it and determined to buy it no matter the price =P. I also bought Graham Coxon Live DVD. I know I don't know his songs that well, only a few of his singles. But what I knew was that he's hot and he has that Rock 'n Roll charisma and seeing him live would be my pleasure =P.

I just wish they had an Arctic Monkeys or The Strokes DVD too.

We decided we'd buy some J.Co too, and as I was queueing, I caught a glimpse of someone I used to know. He was my old friend from college when I did my Diploma. We had a little history, I used to have a crush on him and he once took me to a hardcore night out when I was depressed after I broke up with my ex. He used me and ruined my trust on him, but somehow I just kept forgiving him. Because he was charming and smelled nice [Bvlgari, which now I shivered everytime I smelled it on some guy] and a bad-boy and dangerous and smart too at the same time. And because I was gullible, hurting, confused and naive. But just after, he dissapeared because he said Accounting [which was what I was studying for my Diploma Degree] wasn't for him and we just loose contact of each other.

I kinda regret it not saying Hi to him yesterday. But from what I saw he hasn't changed a bit. He's style had that immature bad-boy look and he's still had his hands around some girl's waist [he used to be such a player]. But I wasn't interested at him anymore. Sure I had mixed feelings, considering I used to be madly, head-over-heels in lust with him. But I find myself pitying him. Why waste such talent [he was so smart, he aced a final exam right after clubbing for 2 days straight]? Why waste such good looks? Why waste such incredible persona? If only he'd changed and be a better person.

Academic Vs Money? Career? Productivity?

2008-06-05T15:52:00.001+07:00

Finally!!!

My Finals are over!
I'm not happy with them, but at least it's over.

A couple of subject I'm pretty confident are Statistics, Management Information Systems and... That's about it. I feel like weeping when I think about the other 3 subjects. Microeconomics? I barely had time to study pretty much because I hate the subject and used the time to watch Grey's Anatomy. Management Accounting? I get the whole theory, I just couldn't be bothered with the equation and formulas. It's not my fault really, the lecturer sucks, he never gave us any practices. Financial Accounting? Everything I studied went out thru the window. I studied the problems from last year's exam, turns out they decided to change the problem for this year. Out the window then. +sigh+

I might be repeating some of the subjects and I'm pretty sure I won't graduate on time like my fellow (Dad's offer to transfer credit to Budapest's Uni seems awfully tempting now, innit?). I'm not blaming my working hours. Like a commercial motto 'Siap Kerja, Siap Capek' (prepared for work, prepared to be tired). But how come any other working students manage to squeeze in time to study? Maybe what I'm blaming is my lack of time management skill.

Yeah! I suck at that =P

I complaint 24/7 about wanting to be more free and living my youth but I'm not ready to let go of my job yet. It brings me a lot of money. That is the only things keeping me here now. Aside from that it's the same old problem, no time to study, bored at work, time-restricted, blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should get a lighter working hours job.

So, I've considered quitting my job for the following term (September-ish).

That a good decision? Considering my family would probably be away in Budapest at that time, they wouldn't have to worry about financial anymore (considering local salary rate paid in dollar) and I could, again, depend on my dad. I'm not proud of it. But rather than being rich but not able to enjoy it... I could focus my attention totally on my degree and hopefully improve and raise my GPA.

But then what would I be doing in the free-time?
Study? Yeah right!
Help take care of the house? Once a week maybe =P
Spend the day watching DVDs and reading and surfing? Most likely!
See, I won't be productive. And I don't like being unproductive. The last time I have a handful time with me, I spent it covering my books with plastics. Thta's how bored I was =P.

I could always get a job somewhere closer with more flexible working hours. But that would mean starting the whole thing over again. Learn procedures, the whole getting to know your co-worker and all that politeness act (which I rather not do).

Would I be missing being productive? Yes!
Would I be missing the money it brings? Yes!

But, my degree is more important, right?
I have to make my parents proud, right?
Career can start anytime, right?
Plus, it's not even my dream job and I have to travel the world first before I'm ready to settle. That's my biggest dream, innit?

So whay is it very hard for me to quit and let go?

I Don't Think We Ever Make Any Agreement Whether You're Allowed To Comment On What's Going On In My Life

2008-05-28T15:01:00.000+07:00

Okay... So he's starting to get on my nerves.
So what if I want to put some 'inside-jokes' quote on my profile page? Plus, how in the world could he ever think that it was meant for him or in any way described him. No... I have a life, lots of life that doesn't necesarilly connects or involve each other. What I state or write or display are not intended to a certain something. There are bigger meanings to it.

And it's funny that a certain people feel like what I state is about them, when really they don't have a lot of part in my life. Yes, I'm going to be rude and straight to the point. Yes, I see people and act towards them depend on how important they are in my life. If I think someone isn't that important, I wouldn't bother myself. And that's just me. I am passive, apathic, cynical and so what?

So, when you're really not that important in my life, do me a favour and stop flattering yourself by thinking what I state revolves around you. It's not even intended directly to you. It's on a different matter. So, yess I laugh when you act as if you're someone important or matter to me and you feel offended just because I state things. Don't express your paranoia to me. I don't want to know about it. If I don't want to know about your life, do you think I want to know about your paranoia???

And don't act surprise when I said your not on my top priority list. I don't recall ever agreeing on anything that might suggest that you should be on my top priority list. You're not even on it, let alone be on the top spot. You may think we have 'something', but since there are no ink on paper [or so to say], I suppose it's a one-way street for you then?

And don't put out that tone when I utter a name of an opposite sex in front of you. No one have the right to get all jealous yet! No one!

I'm not mad. I'm just bewildered and baffled of your reactions towards a certain something that I state, when really it is not intended to you.
"That's totally overpossesive, overanalyze, not 2 mention self-conscious. Don't ever think my world revolves around yours solely"

My Own 7 (or maybe only 5) Deadly Sins.

2008-05-27T13:23:00.001+07:00

1. Chips (Food). I am weak in front of any chips. Potato, corn, any kind. Salty, spicy, barbeque, cheesy, any flavours. I'm weak and I surrender to them. Even though I just ate, when I see a bag of chips lying, I'd help myself to a couple. And I usually can't stop until I reach the bottom of the bag. This is probably my worst habit of all.

2. DVD Series. No matter how many times I chant the spell that I'd keep it one episode per day, it usually doesn't last long. Episodes by episodes, season by season, next thing I know it's morning already or I haven't done my task, etc. I could [and it's been proven] watch a DVD series a whole day long from the minute I open my eyes, till I ready to sleep again, taking breaks only to get shower. I even eat while watching. DVD Series are bad for me.

3. Great Book. I skipped my study time yesterday for a great book. It was no doubt a thrilling, make-you-curious, can't put it down type of book. Even though I know it's exam period, but still I chose to read the book instead. Usually the themes are crimes, sci-fi (like Harry Potter), thriller, etc.

4. Free High-speed internet connection. Even though some sites have been banned from my office's PC, I still sometimes lose track of time and neglecting my work becasue I'm too busy surfing the net. It's addictive, one site leads to another, and one thing you know you've got more than 5 windows open, piles of working documents untouched and your boss checking up on you every 10 minutes.

5. Shopping. Especially when I have money. It's pretty self-explanatory, innit? Mostly shirts, DVDs, books, CDs, cardigans. Not really into shoes or bags tho.

Yeah, it's pretty much the kinda of things that once I start, I couldn't stop. It's bad for me, because then I wouldn't want to do anything else, then my mum would start to yell at me, goes on and on.

Notes:
I took a personality disorder test earlier, and this is the result. Apparently I'm a schizoid... Hm...
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Very High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

A Very Artsy Weekend

2008-05-26T12:05:00.001+07:00

Current Book: 21, Bringing Down The House
Current Music: The Last Shadow Puppets - Meeting Place
Movie of The Week: Charlie Bartlett & The Bank Job

I spent about $70 last weekend +sigh+
Bought 2 CDs and 3 novels. One was the book I'm currently reading, titled 21, Bringing Down The House by Ben Mezrich. I saw this book on stand since about 2 months ago. But at that time I wasn't as rich as yesterday and had other more important things on my wish-list. Plus the movie is coming, so I thought I'm gonna watch it on screen. But then I found out that until now, I haven't heard of the movie anymore and yesterday I saw the book was still on stand so I bought it, along with 2 other books from Meg Cabot and Nick Hornby.

My biggest mistake wasn't spending it all at once, but was to read 21, Bringing Down The House first. Just after 1 chapter, I was hooked. Unable to put it down so bad that I brought it to our study group at Karina's house and read it in between breaks. There's always something interesting and captivating about stories that has a theme of trickiness or plans or cheating the law. Like Ocean's Eleven and the sequels, The Italian Job and The Thomas Crown Affair [does it say anything about me from the fact that I like robbery themed movies and books?]. It's something about the way they rob and able to get away with it. I think they're the smartest people =P. I can't wait for the movie adaptation of 21, Bringing Down The House to come out. It'd be so cool =P.

Speaking of movies, I watched a great movie titled Charlie Bartlett over the weekend. And I have to say it's an okay movie. Sarcastic and entertaining. It's a story about a teenager turns psychiatrist because he felt alone in this world and doesn't want any other teens to feel like he did. So he tried to help them through thier problems by opening a 'counseling session' on the boys school bathrooms. but it was all laid out in a nice encouraging way that makes it easy and understandable. I think parents should watch this movie. Give a little insight on how teenagers thinks these days. More on it, the leading character [the guy who played Charlie Bartlett] is so cute =P, and they have Robert Downey, Jr.

The CDs that I bought was [please don't laugh] Ashlee Simpson's new album and The Cardigans's best hits. Lame? I know. So what? I have no problem with Ashlee's music and I like The Cardigans. Plus I already have some of the new albums on stand. I haven't heard the whole CD, but I like Little Miss Obsesive, I prefer hearing her sing the emo-type song than the rock and roll type song. And Ashlee does look great on the album cover [wonder if I can get a shot like that].

Let's Spend This Afternoon Doing Nothing =)

2008-05-23T17:20:00.001+07:00

Time Start: 4.15pm

I was filing documents and moving huge <a href="http://www.fronius.com/internet/img/Company/Ordner-HG_rdax_100.jpg">ordner</a> when I noticed the beautiful weather this afternoon. It was hot and dry and very dusty at lunch time, but beautifully inviting this afternoon. It reminded me of my younger times when I was still in Kuala Lumpur and Kuwait.

I lived in Kuala Lumpur when I was in elementary school. That was about 14-12 years ago (Gosh!). I come home from school at 1.30pm, have a lunch, have a bit of nap, then in the afternoon I'd go bike-riding around the block where I lived. Together with my brother and a couple of friends, we'd circled the block, hung out in the park eating ice cream. Life was just easy back then. It was all about playing and having fun under the sun. The neighbourhood was filled with young couples with their little kids, so it's a friendly neighbourhood.
Or if we weren't playing, we'd be hanging out on our garden (yes, we used to have a garden, complete with bed of flowers and swings). Dad would sat on the bench drinking tea with mum, me and my brother would take turn on the swing. I realize now, I had a happy childhood.

Then in Kuwait, as we grew older, things change a little bit. But still as delightful. We lived on the 4th floor of an apartment looking out to the sea. The apartment had its own pool, so usually in the summer when we have school holiday, me and my brother would jumped in the pool immediately, or we'd walk out across the road to the beach. It's always a pleasant feeling to be able to enjoy the warm afternoon. Again, we'd buy ice cream and sat on the bench watching the sea =P.

And now, that's the kind of thing I'd like to do here. Either play in the park or walk on the beach. But living in my hometown in Jakarta now makes it a little hard to do that. We do have a great neighbourhood, but lately I'm never home at this hour. Or if I am home, I'd rather stay in and play the computer or watch a DVD. And to be able to walk on the beach, well that's just impossible innit? Considering the nearest beach requires a two hours trip from my home. And it's not even a beautiful beach.

I wonder how my afternoon would be if I live in Budapest later on. Would it involve me walking around the lake in chilly weather, or hanging in the park drinking warm tea bundled in layers of clothing. I so can't wait for that!

Time Finish: 4.50pm

Football is like Religion?

2008-05-22T12:05:00.002+07:00

Looking at the Final's resutl brings me heartache. If I were to be John Terry, I'd prolly be as devastated and immediately prepare a voodoo doll for Cristiano Ronaldo (No, he didn't do anything wrong, I just hate him and needed a catharsis for my pain). I mean to be the person that would decide whether Chelsea going to win this year's Champions League or not, that must've been a huge task for him. And because of the stupid rain, it all goes wrong. Yess! I blame the rain. Stupid Rain! (No, it's not the Korean Singer/Actor who also starred in Speed Racer)

What's more ourageous is the fact that Cristiano Ronaldo was named Player of The Match, he didn't even make a success penalty shot. Stupid! Frank Lampard deserve it way more than him. Yes, My Lampard, that is!!! +eyes on fire+

Anyhow, despite all my rage and anger and sadness, I think it's a great step for Chelsea. I mean, they've been thru a rough season and to be in the final of Champions League is an outstanding achievement for them, considering Avram Grant's first time experience handling a huge and popular team like Chelsea. And it's also a proof that, yes, England rules the football world =P.

Sidetracking a little, I think I'm developing an interest toward photography. It all begin as I was browsing through Popurls.com, past the flickr images. From then on I begin to search for unique images on flickr. There's no specific kind of images, just the ones with nature or cute girls or colourful or sometimes just a simple black & white would do me good. Somehow, it made me feel calm and high-spirited at the same time. And as an impulsif follower, I suddenly feel like buying a digicam, go to the beach and just take as many pictures as I can.

I know, you're all probably tired of hearing me wanting to go to the beach, wanting to travel, wanting to buy digicam, blah, blah, blah. But I can't help it, it's the only plan that keeps me going every day. V had asked me if I wanted to go to Bali this year. We planned for this last year, but couldn't make it because we were busy with graduation and stuff. And now, I don't know, maybe I couldn't make it again, with this job pinning me in town. I mean, really, it's just for the money. It's still a huge dilemma for me. Money or Freedom? Money or Freedom? Money or Youth? =P

Blood is Thicker...

2008-05-21T14:54:00.000+07:00

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.

I didn't enjoy yesterday holiday as much as I could yesterday. Because there are some repairman is fixing the tiles upstairs in my parents' room and they're making as much noises as they could. I mean I don't mind that My Parents' are fixing their tiles, I support them totally, but because of it, I couldn't wake up late like I would on any holiday and I couldn't concentrate on studying (hahaha this is just an excuse for my laziness) and we couldn't go anywhere because we couldn't leave the house unattended.

But we did have lunch in a nice small traditional cafe near my house. My dad was craving for Rawon (a traditional East Java cuisine) so we went there because they were said to serve a quite delicious Rawon. We've never been there, we just heard about it from a relatives. When arrived, there was only one couple of husband-wive. What's unique about the cafe was that they have the Snake & Ladder board game glued to the table, complete with dice and tokens.

And considering how playful our family is, we ended up playing it. My Bro and me started it, then My Dad, Mum joined last. We weren't seriously playing, My Dad has a personal ambition of 'nyelontengin' (that is if you arrive at the same square as other token, you could 'kick' them back to square one) other's token anytime anywhere. We had great time, in fact I haven't heard Dad laugh like that for quite a long time. He's been busy mostly with meetings and training for his next post in Budapest. Mom's busy too with her Dharma Wanita stuff, and don't get me started on me.

So, it's really a relieve, because we haven't spend much time together anyway +exaggeration+. I don't know, I guess I just want to have a really nice long holiday and spend it like last time, travelling out of town, sharing small hotel room, packed inside a car together with suitcases, taking pictures, you know that kinda thing.

See, my family means a lot to me. It's always them first, bestfriend then boyfriend (maybe that's why I'm still single now =P). A while ago I was getting close with this guy, Moreira. Then suddenly, just like that I'm starting to freak-out, panic, and slowly distanced my self from him. I don't know why, maybe some sort of thought that any guy that I pick would never get approval from my father. It seems that everytime I think about a guy that I like or that likes me, I would then imagine whether he and my father would get along. Most of the time, they don't get along in my imagination. But who knows? Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I never really think that far. But I freak-out anyway.

Anyway, I'm not gonna talk about boys no more. Screw them if they can't understand how important my family is to me and how I've been alone for so long that I'm still not used to sparing my time for them +emotional distress+

Erh... on a totally different topic. I've just watched this hilarious British movie called St. Trinian's. Check it out if you like British Movie, school-themed movie or Colin Firth =P

On My Weekend I Was... =P

2008-05-19T10:24:00.002+07:00

In your relationships with others, remember the basic and critically important rule: If you want to be loved, be lovable

I just saw Iron Man! I know! I'm totally late =P

I took a day off from the office on Satruday because my Statistic Teacher scheduled an additional class, since we missed 2 session on the first week. The class started at 8am, and I stupidly woke up at 8.30am. My first reaction when I woke up was just to laugh =P. I arrived just as the first session finished. See, on this class, I'm not together with V, and there's not much people that I'm close friends with. There are a couple, but mostly boys. There's also a girl that I used to hang out with alot when I'm still studying my diploma, we'll call her SH. But due to a couple incidents, we kinda silently hate each other =P, that is we appear to be friends, but really we hate each other's guts. Well, I don't know much, but I hate her guts =P. F.Y.I, she once talked about me to my own best friend. How messed up is that?!

Anyway, I ended up sitting between 2 boys that I sometimes like to hang out with. The class ended at 11.30am, we have another class at 12pm and another at 2pm. So we all went and had lunch. It was overall a good day. I get to spend most of the day playing and flirting with the boys and showing off to SH at the same time. Yeah, we kinda have a competition over boys =P. Maybe it's just me who felt competitive, but I just don't like the way she acts when she's around boys, plus it's not like she's single.

Yeah, now that I think about it, it all sounded so high school =P. Meh, what the hell, I'm craving for some young drama here =P.

Moreira, the guy that I had been close too for a couple of weeks now asked me out on a movie date, we were supposed to go see Narnia. But, as natural as I am, I figure out thousands of excuses to refuse his invitations. It's not that I don't like him, I'm just not ready yet. See, we known each other over phone (V introduced us) and since then we've been texting and phoning each other. I know, that's like totally wrong, but I can't help it that he kept on calling me. I don't mind the company and the attention, but when it comes to meeting up, I give up. I just can't do it. Not yet. I am a walking disaster when it comes to boys and relationship.

Fortunately, on Saturday Night my family had a gathering, so there was my excuse. Plus he then decided to watch Uber Cup Final match instead, so I'm free =P. at least for a day. Because then the next morning he asked me out again. If I, at that time, was free and not doing anything, then I would just go, you know. Dare myself, push myself to the limit, grab the chance, seize the day, whatever. But, I already had a plan with Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd =P. Yup, it's the Grey's Anatomy addiction. I told Moreira that I'm scheduled to go to the dentist that afternoon, when really I spend most of the day in my room making love to Alex Karev =P. In the end, I didn't go to the dentist, because he's out of town. So, my dad made a change of plans and took us out to see Iron Man instead. Perfect, I would then have another excuse and reason =P.

Lately, I've been feeling extra insecure when it comes to boys that seemed to try to have a relationship with me. It's just Moreira, and there's nothing wrong with him, except the fact that I know nothing about him. Well, I know where he works, but that's about it. I don't know his real name, don't know how old he is, don't know about his family, don't where his from (all I know is his so-called studio), know nothing. And it bugs me somehow, because we call each other about 5-8 times a day, asking how's our day, what's our plan, and small stuff but it was intense. Like he'd use romantic nicknames and such. And I don't really know what to do. I feel like clarifying to him about the status of our relationship, but I still haven't found the reaction I'd gave for each scenario. Whether, he truly thinks it's an intense relationship, or if it's all just in my head =P.

I don't know... I'm rambling.
And emotional.
And addicted to Grey's Anatomy (I know! bare with my addiction will you =P)

Oy! Would You Stop That, Please!

2008-05-16T14:43:00.003+07:00

If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation

I'm seriously pissed off because my co-worker/deskmate wouldn't stop singing this stupid song over and over again. It's bad enough that I hate the song, he has to sing it every-fucking-day from the minute he comes, up until he goes home. It's the song and the way he sings it, very iritatting. Once I even felt like crying because I have so much work to do with a deadline so close and I need to concentrate so hard, but he kept singing that goddamn song!
F.Y.I the song is an Indonesian song from a band called D'Massive, tittled Cinta Ini Membunuhku (This Love is Killing Me). Ironically, it's also killing it's listener =P

Speaking of annoying people arround us, my bestfriend V also has a story about one annoying friend. She told me that this friend, DH, is the most awesomest classmate ever. She's funny, she's nice, she helped her on study cases and homeworks, overall she's an angel. But... she's got serious problem on the topic of privacy.
She likes to read and comment on the messages we text!

V and DH sometimes sat next to each other, whenever V's not sitting with me, and on times we couldn't be bothered to listen to the boring lecture, we make time to text, especially V texting her new romantic partner. Anyway, V told me that everytime she texted her partner, DH would move her body sideways and try her best to read on what V's texting, and worse, commented on it. I remember when V was telling me this she almost bursts into tears because of DH's eccentric behaviour. I mean it's pretty weird to see someone in this era, at our age, still look and read on other people's message while we're texting. Haven't she ever heard of the word Privacy??? I'm V's bestfriend and even I never read V's message or inbox. V kept on saying:
"Na, she's just a classmate, why would she want to know what I'm texting? And when I text all lovey-dovey to my partner, she would comment on how mushy I am. I mean that's just annoying, Na!"

I'm sorry V, couldn't help you on this one =P.

Guess we just have to deal with them, eh?

Aside from our friend-related topic, I'm currently addicted to Grey's Anatomy. I know, it's like old trend or whatever, but that's just typical me right? Discovering a new hype at later time =P. As much as I hate Derek-Meredith relationship, I still watch it. I know it's iritatting to see Meredith hurting on every episodes, but I think Grey's Anatomy is just different than any other TV Series. Its drama is packed lightly that it doesn't feel all that dramatic. Unlike the common TV Series these days, like The O.C. or Gossip Girl =P.
And, my fave guy there isn't Derek Shepherd, but Dr. Alex Karev, with his badboy persona and foul-mouth attitude =P.

PS: Somebody dedicate this song for me please... =P

Whistle for the Choir
By: The Fratellis

Well it's a big big city and it's always the same
Can never be too pretty tell me your name
Is it out of line if I were to be bold and say "Would you be mine"?

Because I may be a beggar and you maybe the queen
I know I maybe on a downer I’m still ready to dream
Now it's 3 o'clock the time is just the time it takes for you to talk

So if you're lonely
Why'd you say you’re not lonely?
Oh you’re a silly girl, I know I heard it so
It's just like you to come and go
And know me, no you don't even know me
You’re so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you ’s just irresistible

Well it's a big big city and the lights are all out
But it's much as I can do you know to figure you out
And I must confess, my hearts so broke in pieces
And my heads a mess
And it's 4 in the morning, and I’m walking along
Beside the ghost of every drinker here who has ever done wrong
And it's you, woo hoo
That's got me going crazy for the things you do

So if you’re crazy, I don't care you amaze me
But you’re a stupid girl, oh me, oh my, you talk
I die, you smile, you laugh, I cry
And only, a girl like you could be lonely
And it's a crying shame, if you would think the same
A boy like me's just irresistible

I'm Inviting People to Trick and Use Me

2008-05-15T15:20:00.001+07:00

Why should I tolerate a perfect stranger at the bedside of my mind?

I've always been excited upon meeting new people. Especially ones that shared common interest or belong to the same community. But to meet a completely new person a.k.a stranger out of nowhere... now that's a bit creepy.

A couple of weeks ago, after Sum 41's concert on 3rd May to be exact, I was introduced by V to a guy we're going to call Moe from now. He was a long-time friend of V and, from what I heard from V, could possibly likes her. So anyway, I talked to him and he seemed like a nice and fun guy to share stories with. We still keep in touch until now and it seems like it grew intense. Like we started calling each other by 'Aku-Kamu' which is slightly more intimate than 'Gue-Elu'. I mean I don't mind meeting new people. Expecially ones who are fun to be friends with and we have common interest and he understands what I'm speaking, blablabla. But... He's a little bit spoiled. Very attention-seeker type and gets upset easily when I don't call him. It's like he already thinks he's my boyfriend. I mean puhleese, we've only known each other for almost 2 weeks. We haven't even seen each other face-to-face (I know!). We had a little fight yesterday night because I didn't have time to call him and when we had time on the phone I have to go immediately because I need to blow-dry my hair at 11.30pm (!). He was upset, just because, and hung-up on me. Hence the tweet:
"Truthfully, I may be too busy to start a relationship. I can't even make time to get to know the guy better =( 09:03 AM May 14, 2008 from web"
In spite of feeling annoyed at times, I found it relieving to have someone who cares about me, to have someone to call when I'm feeling lonely (yeah, now Upi's gone). Well, it doesn't hurt for a girl to want to be treated like a princess once in a while.

Now, him, I can stand, but last night something weird and creepy happened to me. See, I'm on my way home from campus. As usual I took a ride of my close friends' car and she dropped me half a way to my house's complex and from there I took another ride of Public Transportation. But last night, while I was waiting for the Public Transportation to come, someone on a motorbike called me. I thought he was offering Ojek (another form of Public Transportation using Motorbike that takes you to specific destination as you wish). So I said, "No, sorry". But then he said, "Oh, you forgot me already?!"

Me, as a person who detest hurting other people's feeling, switch my mood into a friendlier mood. I didn't want to appear a snob that forgets her own friend. And as I racked my brain trying to remember who he was, he offered me a ride home!!!
He said it's impolite for him to not take me home when he knew me. But, clearly I don't know him. I mean I thought he was my old friend that I forgot, but I couldn't find his image even in the back of my mind. Of course I was scared of accepting his home-ride offer. But he was insisting and I didn't want to be rude, just in case he was really my friend, you know?

So I hopped up onto his motorbike and he took me home. On the way, we talked and stuff. Well, mostly he was asking and me answering, because I feel awkward. All I kept asking was, when did he knew me? Where? What event? But he just vaguely said, "I remember it was a small event, I saw you and we introduced each other." That's like completely bullshit.
By the time I realized that I was tricked, I was already entering my house complex. He was actually being nice all the time. Joking and telling story about himself, I could only laugh politely and nodded. When we reach my home, I didn't know what to say except 'Thank You'. But as I waited, he didn't want to leave just yet, so we ended up talking in front of my house for a couple of minutes. From there I found out that really, I wasn't the girl he thought I was. He said I just looked like her. I feel like kicking my own butt at this point for being so stupid. He kept asking, politely, if 'someone will get mad for him taking me home'. That's like indirectly asking whether I have a boyfriend or not. I didn't answer, I just smiled. Part of me didn't want to lie, because I'm single really. But part of me didn't want to give him a chance.

I expect he was quite mature for me, because he guessed when did I graduated from high school, and it was waaayy far from the real year. About 5 years older (Dude! Do I really look thaaat old?). I could only smile. He asked whether we could meet up again? I said I'm busy. I didn't say I work and still studying at the same time. I let him have the thinking that I work till late night. In the end he asked for my number (I gave him my CDMA number) and said that his name was J. To be honest, at first I thought he was Moe playing with my mind. But later I thought it was impossible, although they do have similarity. Moe was well build (a little fat) and so does J, they both like to play music, both ride on a motorbike and once I caught J singing a song from this specific singer whom Moe once told me to be one of his idol. But J said he works in a car factory and as far as I know, Moe works in a radio station. I don't know, last night was confusing.

After J left, I called Moe immediately. Just to confirm. But he didn't pick up. He called me later, about 30mins after. I asked where was he when I called him, he said he was still on the way on his motorbike. He asked me what's wrong, I didn't tell him at first, but I couldn't help myself. Like a little girl, I confessed about the incident to him, and he was mad.
He was mad at me for being so easily led and all that. It comforted me a little knowing that someone cares about my well-being and we ended up talking until almost midnight. I thought I'd ignore this J guy as much as I could, and if he really wants to get close with me, I'll get one of my guy friend to pretend they're my boyfriend. I've considered asking LunQ or maybe Moe himself *sigh*.

Let's Plan Ahead!!!

2008-05-14T11:49:00.001+07:00

Plan out your life on paper but live your life by your heart

I'm a plan-maniac, but I mean most people do too. What makes me different though, is that I don't usually end up following my initial plan in the first place, because I'm so easily led. I also value spontaneity highly, I go with the flow, mostly because I can't be bothered to say my opinion or fight for what I really want (yes, I'm that kind of person *sigh*). But here's the thing that I love about planning, it gives me something to look forward too. It gives me more strength to live each day. It gives me the spirit to wake up in the morning and go thru this hell I call life =P.

So in term of this topic, I'm thinking of jotting down a couple of plans I have for the near future. Honestly, I get scared thinking about it, but excited too at the same time. I'm scared because I'm afraid I'll jinxed it (I'm very superstitious at heart =P), but imagining how it all will go down makes my heartbeat speed up.
See, this month I'm supposed to get my 1st quarter bonus, and usually it's in a large amount. My first plan was getting myself a new digital camera. I have one already, but if I'm not mistaken, I remember I bought it at least 4 years ago. It's still using alkaline battery, which is unreliable, and the pixel is still low. So, as I went through Chitra's on-line photo album, I felt envious of how amazing her pictures was and impulsively decide to go buy one for myself. I'm still confused between a couple of brands, but it's all just a matter of price and package =P.

My second plan involves my future academic life. As you probably know, My Dad has been posted to Budapest, Hungary this time. He's leaving this year, probably in August or September. And since my biggest ambition is to travel the world, I couldn't miss this opportunity to come with my dad (and my family of course) to Hungary. The trouble is that I'm not sure I'll be done with my Bachelor Degree by the time of departure. I have two options:

1). (this came from my own idea) I could finish my degree here until next year, get my 2 years working experience by October 2009 and catch up with my family after that. By then I'd be free from any academic and/or career restrictions and will be able to embark on my travelling ambition (starting in Europe), or...
2). Finish my degree in Hungary (this is hoping I could get my credit transferred from my current university to the university in Hungary, which, up until now, is still unclear) and continue with my Master Degree there too. Therefore, allowing me to go together with my family at the same time (this is my dad's idea, honestly, he couldn't be away from his kids anymore).

I would prefer to follow my first option, although as the consequence I would have to stay in Jakarta for another year, while my family gone and enjoy living in Europe =(. But then I wouldn't have to worry about my Bachelor Degree and Working Experience, I could just apply to any Master Degree in anywhere in the world.
My second option is great too, only I'm still not clear whether I could transfer my academic credit to Hungary Universities, I reckon that would be pretty complicated, and really I couldn't be bothered with the bureaucracy and all that shite =P. Plus, I wouldn't get my 2 years working experience and that's just not enough for me to apply for Master Degree (I'm also hoping, that by working, I could save some money to pay for my travelling).

So? What do you think? Which path shall I walk through?

And aside from all that, I also have plans for a little trip with my BFFs to go on a vacation, but it's still a rough plan and with Finals coming, I don't have time to think about it =(

I am [NOT] Mentally Deranged

2008-05-07T14:06:00.001+07:00

You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same.

One thing I, myself, still can't get over is the fact that I did not cry about Upi's death. I shiver a little, I get anxious, I'm nervous, I'm emotionally distracted, but I did not cry. Which is weird, because he kind of an important person to me. I remember talking to him just a while ago. We caught up on things and planned on having meeting up with a couple of friends too. And now, he's gone. I hear myself thinking, 'I could never ever call him and hear his voices anymore when I'm feeling blue.' And that's a huge loss for me [selfishly =P].
See, I'm never good at dealing with deaths. I found myself sometimes just feeling awkward about how to react on deaths. More strangely, I'm more sad on losing material things. Like, that one time I thought I lost all my novels collection, when really I just misplaced the box where those novels were kept =P, I almost burst in tears. So, maybe I am strange, I'm so mentally deranged that I couldn't express my emotions [or maybe I never have any emotions at all].

Honestly, I want to cry. I imagine wanting to feel that wave of emotions and just break down and cry, but It didn't hit me when I found out about Upi's death. I felt it before, though. That one time I cried to V on my office's stairs. It happened because I was really irritated about my colleague, he really got on my nerves and on the verge of crazy emotions my dad called, then I just cried. At that moment what I felt was surpressed anger. I'm angry at this person but I can't expressed it, and even when I expressed it, that person didn't care. And I just feel like going home. I'm such Daddy's Little Girl =P.

When I tried to remember, I mostly cry because I'm either angry, tired or dissapointed. But never because I'm sad. I don't think I'm ever sad. I cried mostly because I'm tired, when I'm super swamped, or when bad things just comes one after another. I remember crying when I haven't slept for more than 24 hours [because of travelling and flying] and just as we land my dad took us to go sightseeing instead of giving me a chance to sleep. Then there's one time I cried so bad when I hate myself for dissapointing my parents [about grades and school stuff]. And another time when I just broke up with my ex and felt angry because he didn't want me anymore but kept on teasing and jumping into my life, making me even harder to let him go.

Are those examples on sadness?
Because I don't know why it differ from when I'm just plain sad because I lost someone important in my life?

I can't remember who said this [because when the conversation happened I was so wasted and tired and half-awake that I couldn't remember], but it kinda hit me. "You think you're all different and misunderstood and indescribeable, but really, you're so predictable."
Or am I?
I know, I sometimes underestimate people. I judge them by their look [yeah I know, but I have my reasons and it's not easy to express them], by the type of music they listen, by their friends and when I think that person won't get me, I just couldn't bothered.
Ha8x maybe I am mentally deranged. Or predictable?

Isn't It Ironic? Don't You Think?

2008-05-05T11:56:00.003+07:00

Last weekend was an emotional weekend for me, both in positive and negative way.

I had fun during the one-day holiday on Thursday, 1st. I got a haircut, just because I'm sick of having a long messy hair. But my friends said it had no effect whatsoever. Basically I just cut it a little. Then, me and some old friends from Elementary School had a small gathering and we just kinda hang out and enjoy the night. We had chance to catch up and see how's everybody doing. It wasn't like we were best friend or something like that, but it's just nice to have people who grew up in the same environment like you do. Plus, it's no harm to make more friends right?

On Friday, it's back to business. I was anxious and nervous the whole day. Maybe because I'm so swamped by work. Or maybe, I'm just feeling very excited about what's gonna go down on Saturday. Yap, it's the Sum 41 Concert. I had planned the day so well, from the beginning of the day, till the after party. Never knew that my plan would change drastically.
See, in the afternoon, I went home the usual way. I just didn't go to campus cause I don't feel like it [how twisted am I?]. So I went home, took a shower, went to bed earlier than usual hoping to save some energy, since I'll be out all day long. A little past midnight, my friend called me on my cell. It was Adjie. One thought that came to me was that he wanted to tease me, like he usually do. I couldn't be bothered to humour him, so I put my cell on silence. Then after that an eerie message came from him saying that I should pray cause Upi is dying!

First, I thought I misread. Then, I thought he was joking. But no one, not even my cruelest friend, ever joke about death. So, I tried calling him, but I couldn't get through. I started to panic, what if it was real? I replied his message to confirm it, and he confirmed it. It was true, Upi had died on a motorcycle accident.
I'm not one to get sensitive about things like this. I'm sad, that's no doubt. He was one of my close friends, the guy I used to have a crush on, he meant so much to me. But, even until now, I haven't cried a tear for him. The only thing I felt was chill around my body, and just a sudden realization that I could no longer count on him on anything ever again. I couldn't call him when I'm feeling blue. I couldn't flirt with him when I'm lonely. I couldn't hang out with him and watch him sing or play pool or smoke or anything ever again. And that's just emptied my soul a little bit. I lost someone important to me, but that's it. I couldn't express it.

I decided to come to his wake the next morning. But, since I'm still swamped, I couldn't really get there fast enough. I wished to see his body for the last time, since I haven't seen him for a long time. I remember seeing him last year, if I'm not mistaken, we went out after work and had fun until 4am in the morning. But we still called each other and planned on going on a trip once we're not so busy. But I guess I will remained a plan only.
I did cry though once. But that was because Cahyo texted me saying they're leaving for the funeral. I was devastated. Even on his last day, I still couldn't see him. But that doesn't mean I'm not willing to let him go. I mean, I know it's his fate to die young, so I leave it all in God's hands. I came to his house after work, met his mom and gave my condolences and left just like that. I'm never one to cry and mourn for long. But I wonder if I'll go to hell for going to see Sum 41 just after attending your best friend's funeral?

Because, ironically, I had the best night ever on that concert. We [me and V] bought the ticket for Tribune Seats. We realized we were too old to push our way around the ground against energetic teenage. We arrived there around 5pm, but the hall weren't open till around 7.30pm. Then just after a couple of minutes seating inside, an official stated that whoever wanted to go down and watch from the ground are allowed. I got so excited and ask V if she wanted to come down. But she didn't want. Well, not until the official said: "If people aren't gonna come down, then the artist won't come out and perform." And just like that we came down. Some people, families and people with little kids, are still allowed to watch upstairs, but most kids then came down too. We were a bit sad because there aren't many people there. Probably because most senior high school are studying, today is their final exam to determine whether they would graduate or not. So most people are either young teens or college student like us.

They started at 8.30pm. The back drop were amazing. White chalk-like writing with a little bit of pink-ish paint. And, Gosh!, when they came out we got so excited! Deryck was surprisingly handsome and so was Cone. All band members were interactive and energetic. They'd jumped up and down, ran around the stage, teased each other and invited audience to sing along with them. Deryck asked a couple of audience to come up stage [sadly I wasn't one of them]. What's amazing was that every member had a different interesting aura and charm. So it wasn't like watching Deryck sing with a supporting band, but everyone in the band participated. No doubt Deryck was the most attractive, but Cone was fun too. He played bass seriously and very into it. And we get to see an unusual act. Deryck stepped up the drum and Steve sang Pain for Pleasure. How cool was that? It was nice to see every member of the band singing [because of course Cone was the backing vocals].

I realized the energy and atmosphere of watching them on ground was different. Of course if you watch them upstairs you get to see the whole view, but standing on gorund made you feel closer to them. It was worth every dime we spent, and we get to see them on ground for lower price =P. They put on a great perfomance, even though they knew that it wasn't a full house. It was amazing!!! Deryck was hot, Cone was cool, Steve was great, even the additional guitar player was great. And their set list was also entertaining, they played all the great single. I was only sad they didin't play 'Speak of The Devil' and 'With Me'. But overall, it was fun.

We then ate supersize McDonalds and spent the rest of the night talking with each other.

True Romance Can't Be Acheived These Days - by: Alex Turner

2008-04-29T11:40:00.002+07:00

I saw a film a while ago entitled "Quiet City". From the way the shot was taken, I reckon it's an indie festival film. It's a story about a young woman named Jamie. She came to New York to visit her friend, Samantha. But Samantha was nowhere to be found. And so she spent 24 hours in New York with a stranger (a man that is), whom she met in the subway. It's kind of like the real 'day-to-day' story of a film called "Before Sunrise", which I love so much.

It's just amazing how a story can be make just by a simple plot of "Boy-Meets-Girl" like that. And it makes you wonder, whether that kind of miracle, like meeting the right person at the right moment, or falling in love in the first sight does really exist. Films like these isn't portraying love in a complicated "pull-and-tug" game, or some kind of triangle love relationship. It's portraying love in its purest form. Accepting and opening your heart to total stranger. Taking off any kind of guard you have on your heart. Not being afraid of showing to the world that you're weak and, sometimes, lost.

Wouldn't it be incredible to be able being who you really are and meet someone who doesn't know your past or what you are before and be glad that they accept you in full package. In my opinion, that would be the greatest feeling. Not worrying about small things like what others would think or dealing with the unbearable dating games and rules. Is it possible for this kind of love to happen? Like really happen in real life.

I kinda always imagined if this happens to me. But then again, what we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. And I would probably get freaked out and instead of letting my guard down, I'd most likely end up building tougher guard and running away scared. See that's who I am, I'm just a bulshitter =P

Like a Shaken Martini

2008-04-28T11:57:00.001+07:00

Music: The Last Shadow Puppet's New Album
What to look forward to: Sum 41 concert

I spent my weekend satisfyingly. I'm pleased with that result. Although I'm not please with the state that my face currently in. It's like an acne field, gosh! I don't know what happened, it's like pimple had kept on growing one after another for the past week. F*ck!
I had a facial on Saturday, but it seemed like it manage to open all the pores in my face and liberating those dirt. Suddenly, Boom! It's Pimple Revolution Day! Arrghh!!!

Aside from that, I'm quite pleased with my whole weekend. After, I got my face done, I went to the record store in Blok M to get my Sum 41 tickets with V. Then we went to Blok M Plaza to have lunch and stroll around looking for concert costume. V was planning on buying some Hardcore Sleazy T-Shirt, but instead she got a Pink Going-Out Shirt. When I got home, I was greeted by my parents, who has been away to Bandung, and packages of DVD (No, my parents didn't buy those, I got it delivered). So, I spent the whole night watching the new season of One Tree Hill from around 10pm till 3.30am in the morning.

The next morning I woke up at around 10-ish cause my mum was going to go to the dentist. I was supposed to join them, but I was too sleepy and lazy that I didn't move a muscle from the bed. After my parents left, I continued watching One Tree Hill until episodes 14. That's from 11am till 3pm. Then I took a quick, one-hour nap, took a shower then off to the salloon to get my hair done. I got my back massaged to, it was so relaxing. Didn't do any shopping though, I'm running low on my saving. Probably have to wait for another bonus.

Speaking about it, I've planned on buying a new Digital Camera. I haven't plan on which brand, but I know I want one. But, I also planned on buying a new notebook, the cost will be split between me and my dad, cause he'd like a new notebook as well [But how we know, I'm going to be the primary user of it =P]. And it's not like I'm going to have as much bonus as I got 3 months ago, while on the other side, it seemed like my shopping list is getting longer and longer. Naughty Nana!!!

I also wanted to get a new style for my hair. But I don't know what to do. My bangs is getting longer, making it very weird and unmanageable. I like the new Sophie Bush's hair and also Bethany Joy's new hair. It probably won't suit me though. I'm sick of bangs, but my mum said it'd nicely frame my chubby face. I'm still in dilemma.

Anyhow, I'm ranting again, as usual.

Siblings Bond

2008-04-25T12:02:00.001+07:00

I'm currently feeling a surge of love towards my brother.
He went out on a camping trip about two days ago. I think it was his first real camping trip, complete with, you know, sleeping bags and all. And not just the one where he sleeps on school grounds, but real, mountain-climbing, hill-walking type of camping. It's funny watching your baby brother grow up. I've been acting tougher and older and wiser before this, you know, because I'm the big sister and I was raised to be independent and reliable. I'm not much of protecting him before, but It was always me who went out till late night, who stay out on school trip, who learn to drive and eventually crashed the car. He was always the spoiled home-boy type of kid. Then suddenly he started to hang-out more often, have girlfriends, modified his motorbike, watching motorbike races and join this kind ouf outdoor activities.

We're not that close, my brother and I. It's not like we share feelings and tell each other about our social life. But we get along well. I can't remember the last time we really had a fight. I remember it used to be really hardcore, our fight. He'd hit me, and I'd kick him. We used to shout and call names at each other. It's mostly fights about TV controller or new toys or which side we'd sit in our car. Silly things. But since I started living alone in Jakarta, I never really seen him cry anymore (he used to cry every day, and I loved teasing him when he cried). But, truthfully, he's really attentive. He cares about little things like buying snacks for me. And everytime I asked for his help, he'd do it [with grumbling of course, but he'd do it anyway]. And we go out and watched movies together sometimes. What's worse, when people see our pics, they always thought he's my boyfriend [I don't know whether it's his face that looked old, or mine that looked younger =P].

I'm a family girl, and one of the requirement for my boyfriend is to get close to my brother. I don't know, it's just this thing I always need to do. Cahyo, one of my ex used to be so close with him. They used to play video games together, and it's something to see your boyfriend hang out with your brother. It's like I ask for his permission indirectly. Of course he'd never directly say he doesn't like my boyfriend, but I just know whether he likes them or not. My brother, like me, has too much pride when it comes to family. I once told hime to take my acne cream to take care of his acne problem, he totally refused at first. But then one night I caught him sneaking up to my room and using my cream and all that. He once complained too that my soap smelled like detergent, then I teased him about him using my soap in the first place. We kinda have the same interest in music and movies, and even though he seems like he could careless, I know deep down it interets him when I talk about music and movies.

We never fight anymore. But, I'm growing so fast and so does he, and it seems like we never hang out as often as we did before. I'm busy with my double responsibility, and him with his social life. But the one time we have for each other really mean so much to me. I used to be jealous with my best friend relationship with her kid brother, but I realized, mine is just as great and even unique. I love him and care about him. I'd buy him anything he asked [if I have the money of course =P], I'd go anywhere with him and I wouldn't want to ever see our relationship strained. I always imagine later in the future when we both have steady family, I'd take my kids to see him and they'd hang out with his kids, and we'd have gathering every month where I'd hang out with his wife *cringe* and he'd hang out with my husband. That'd be so cool.

I even already asked him to come with me and see those Europe music festivals next year. I don't care, he have to come with me. I really want him to experience things that I find interesting. I just think it'd be great for us =P.

Sharing the Spotlight

2008-04-24T09:29:00.000+07:00

One of the things I want currently is The Last Shadow Puppets' new album The Age of The Understatement. I've heard the single, which is a little bit weird at first, but after you heard it a couple of times you'll get it eventually. But that's just my opinion, probably clouded by the fact that I idolized Alex Turner, that everything he makes just seem like the perfect masterpiece. =P. Though to be honest, the video clip is just plain weird and I have no defense over that one.

I have looked up a couple of TLSP's video over Youtube, and I wasn't that thrilled. No offense against Miles Kane (and other people who find the colaboration between Alex and Miles is the best thing that ever happened next to the invention of jeans and flip-flops), but I'm not liking it as much as I thought I would. I love The Arctic Monkeys and I love Alex Turner's musicality. I love his voice, his lyrics and his guitar playing. One of my favourite Alex Turner moments was when he sang 'Diamonds are Forever' at Glastonbury 2007. His voice is just so effin beautiful, I shiver and get teary-eyed whenever I watched him there. But I don't get that when I watch him with Miles. So, basically what I'm trying to say is that I prefer it better when Alex is alone. But I'm not saying TLSP is crappy. No, in fact they're far from it. They're one of the most anticipated collaboration in UK's music industry. Although, I'm also waiting whether Alex and Julian Casablancas from The Strokes will ever do a colaboration or not. Imagine how great the music will be.

Maybe, it's because I love Alex too much that when I see him with Miles what I don't get is satisfaction of seeing and hearing enough of Alex. In Arctic Monkeys, I get to hear and see him full-frontal. But with TLSP, is like watching Pearl Harbor, when you're used to seeing Josh Hartnett in Wicker Park. He kinda have to share the scene with Ben Affleck, when you could see him as the main actor in Wicker Park. Do you get me? But since I'm a loyal fans of Alex Turner, then I'd buy the record anyway. I mean, it's better than nothing right?

One other thing about The Age of The Understatement is the fact that it's all so orchestra-like. Again, I have nothing against that type of music. But admit it, it's better seeing Alex play the first Arctic Monkeys' album then The Age of The Understatement right? Don't we all just love to reminisce our youth with the rock 'n roll and burden-free lifestyles? =P.

And even after all this complaining, I still want that album, anyone felt like buying for me? No? Fine, then =P

Random Facts About Me!!!

2008-04-23T11:47:00.001+07:00

Yes, so I'm narcisstic! I love myself, I love telling other people ebout myself, I love to show off, I love showing other people about things that I love and well, I love to talk about everything about me. Except, my feelings =P. I don't do well on communcating about that.

So, let's start off today with a little bit random facts about me, just because I'm in an exceptionally good mood. Why? Chelsea had their Fortune God on their side last night. Just a couple of minutes before the whistle was blown, John Riise shot an 'Own Goal', making them draw 1-1 on the first leg at Anfield. I'm feeling pretty confident about the next match. Oh, please Dear God, let Chelsea walk to the Champions League Final this year!!!

One thing I notice this morning, and one of the reason I decided to make an entry about 'Random Facts About Me', is that [#1] I Love The Smell Of Coffee. I was just sitting down in front of my computer after making a cup of coffee and sudenly felt good about myself after breathing the smell of it. I don't know, it brings me calm and kind of reminds me of my dad. He used to love coffee so much, on those days when he's still on top of his fitness and health. I remember every morning before we (my brother and I) go to school, we'd have breakfast on the dinner table, he'd be there watching us get ready, smoking and sipping coffee and just before we head off to school, he'd kiss us on the forehead and he'd smell of coffee. That's not weird or anything right? A lot of girls remember tiny bits of things about their dad. Okay, I'm Daddy's Little Girl, I'll always be =P.

Speaking about my childhood, which isn't too far in the past, [#2] I used to be a bit Girlie Girl. In the elementary school, every morning I got up, dress up for school and as I waited for my school bus to come, I'd sit down on the floor eating my breakfast or tieing my shoes while my mum sat on the sofa behind me and she'd do stuff to my hair. She'd have this huge collections of ribbons, hair clips and a lot of colourful scrunchies. She'd then braid my hair, or tie it up in buns, or just leave my hair down and pinned hair clips all over my head. And what's amazing was that it'd stick to my hair all day long. It's amazing for me because I was a hyperactive little kid and those hair accessories could still manage to stay there. And well, there're the advantages of looking cute every day =). I'm not cute now though, I couldn't be bothered to put accessories on my hair, and my mum thinks I'm too old for her to be doing my hair, hahaha.

Anothing thing about my hair is that [#3] I'm Obsessive About My Hair. I may stop putting accessories on it, but it doesn't stop me putting all different kinds of hair product on it. I used to have thick dark brown wavy-ish hair when I was a kid, which allow my mum to dress it with different kinds of accessories. But after I graduate from elementary school, I accidentally cut it boy-like short. I still haven't found any explanation on my decision to do that, I was too complicated even for my own mind to understand =P. And since then, it had grown in way I detest. It was no longer beautifully wavy like it used to be, it was more of messy wavy and when I washed it and left it to dry on its own, I'd end up looking like a male lion. Yes, it's a disaster for a 13 years old teenage girl. So, when the revolutionary Hair Rebonding came to my knowledge, nothing can stop me from getting it done. It became beautiful, straight, black and shiny. But, it then started falling off. That's when my obessesiveness started. I'd buy any kind of products that promised to reduce and/or stop hair from falling off. Then when the effect of Hair Rebonding came off and my hair became wavy and messy again, I'd look for products that can help me straighten it out. Then there's was the season of colouring you hair, and I'm not going to be left-out of the trend (I wasn't so anti-trend back then).

The result was that my hair became dull and dry and frizzy. I remember just after I graduated from high school, one of my resolutions was to stay out of hair chemical. Did it work? Nope! I may stopped colouring my hair with 3 different shades of red and I never smooth or straighten my hair permanently anymore, but I still put hair tonic and hair vitamins and hair shine after I wash my hair. And I still stop in front of the hair products cabinet at supermarket and just stare af those hair products and have a battle inside my mind whether I should buy those or not. And I still go to the hair saloon once a month to get it done, namely Hair Spa or Hair Mask or whatever.

Another random facts about me aside from my physical appearance is that [#4] I Hate Nuts. No, I;m not allergic to it, I'm fine. I just hate it. Ironically, I once won an Independence Day Games of Eating A Bowl of Peanuts With Chopstick (yes, we do silly games and competition on Independence Day). This isn't a really known facts. I doubt my mum remembers it. I even sometimes forgot about it until I ate one and then spend minutes removing bits that get stuck on my teeth. It's exhausting and I will look like a freak doing it. That's why I sometimes just don't bother eating it. You know how brownies sometimes have almonds in it, I got it out. And some chinese foods also have nuts in it, I set it aside. And when you watch football together with your male mates they often eat nuts for snacks, I got out my own chips for snacks. I even put extra effort to remove the nuts from certain delicious chocolate bar and usually end up with the choco bar melting on my hand in the process. Yes, I'd rather do that then feel the pain of getting nuts' bits stuck to my teeth.

I like to think that I'm 'Anti-Trend'. I like to think I'm unique and different from everybody else, but aren't everybody feel like that? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just as normal and similar as everybody else. But I believe there's at least one thing, one secret that set us aside from everybody else. Me, I talk to myself. And what's scary is that it's not the kind where you talk to yourself as yourself, I talk to myself like I'm somebody else. It's more precise when you call it, [#5] I Talk By Myself, like I'm doing monologue in a drama class, acting like I'm somene else. Worse, sometimes I act out 2 different characters at the same time, and they're talking to each other, when actually it was just me talking with different tone voice. One of the strong characters I used to imagine myself as, was this girl called Yvonne. I pretend I'm her when I was still in Junior High. One thing I remember was that she was a strong girl, she was head of student in her school, she had handsome boyfriend who's understanding, shy and wasn't that popular, but influential. She excelled in every subject, she had long hair and tall and not that pretty but very stylish. She was a part of me for quite a long time, all through Junior High. Coincidentally, when I'm in High School, I had a cyber-friend called Yvonne too, but she was nothing like my imaginary Yvonne.

I still talk by myself until now, but I never have imaginary characters anymore. I mostly be myself, only I imagine myself in a better position. You know, living in London, having celebrity boyfriends, and all that sad, pathetic lies I tell myself. My family are used to me being like this. Curiously, they were never worried, and settled for accepting that it's a part of me (how I love them). I know it's weird and freaky (I get called names when I was in elementary school becasue of this, the condition was so serious that I even talk by myself at school), but it's what makes me unique. Maybe I am mad =P.

What Is It For Really?

2008-04-22T16:32:00.001+07:00

So little time, so much money.

A colleague of mine just asked me about a minute ago whether I'm tired or not. He then explained my routinity, from waking up in the morning at 5.30am, arriving at the office about 8am, goes off to campus at 5.30pm, study till 9pm, arrive at home around 10.30pm, take a shower sometimes even wash my hair [not using warm water] and dry it, and finally goes off to bed around 12am, sometimes later. Do I feel tired?

Of course I do. I'm effing tired most of my days. Lately, I find it hard to keep my eyes open during commuting. I eat well, I have lunch on time everyday, I have my snacks hour, I never skip breakfast and it always consist of milk. The only thing I regret not having is exercise and enough sleep. Oh, and time to study =P. I spend my weekend having fun with my friends, just catching up, or with my family going somewhere. I can't remember the last time I had a good nap during the day. It's one of my ambition these days, to get a good, slumber, full-of-dream nap [how shallow].

But what am I supposed to do? I work, honestly, because of the money. Well, first because I'm tired of being home most of the time. I don't do well when I'm not producing anything. I don't want to end up dull or fat because I'm too lazy to go out during the day, because my class are at night. Plus I don't have money to keep going out every day. I realize I'm already quite a burden for my dad. So, I decided to get a job. I don't know how it leads me here, but here I am. A lot of people regret my decision to choose to work here. They said [or they appear to be saying] that we have the right to choose the job that suits us. But when you only have a low academic degree, landing this job is like getting money rain.

I didn't left because I feel bad. I don't want to appear weak and quit the job after just one month, just because the job is a little bit hard and the location is a little bit far. But after weeks passed and months passed, it's even harder for mo to leave. One because I'm finally making my own money. And for a girl with a level of consumption like me, it's a must to have additional income. Two because I realized it's a blessing for me, having a great boss and colleagues around. But I know it's not like I'm getting smarter. I see other mates of mine from university, they learn a lot from the place they work for. I learn too, a little bit. But it's not really in my area of expertise. But, hell, the money is great. And even without the bonus, it's still great. It's even addictive, making me even more scared if I imagine when it cones my time to continue my master degree in Europe. I have to quit, join my dad in Budapest and well, not work anymore.

It's a dilemma. One side, I want to feel young again, you know. Study, party, socializing, having fun, worrying about finals and papers and nothing else. I mean that's what I should be doing right? I'm still effing 20! But then this other side, where I'm trapped in a cold room, looking at monitors with numbers and words that makes my head spin most of the time and strict routine hours and responsibility, BUT you get salary every month, massive amount of bonus every three months, then it;s a tough decision to make isn't it?

It's a sacrifice to choose one or the other. I have to be able to choose whether it's the money or the youth that I'm choosing. I already know what's best for me, what I should choose. But the question is, will I be ready accept the opportunity cost of letting go the other options? And will I ever get another chance like this ever again?

Tears-Movie Fest

2008-04-20T19:37:00.002+07:00

I just watched two emotional movies. One was 27 Dresses, which made me want to start watching Grey's Anatomy, because Katherine Heigl is just so pretty and all. I like James Marsden's character in it. So to say, he's just my type. From the way he dresses to his way of seeing things. Very spontaneous and dedicated. And I just get so emotional seeing the whole story about a girl whose just been there for everyone else, sacrificing her own feelings, and so when the guy finally said: "I think you deserve to be taken care of for once." I just melt, like crazy.

And the whole girl breaking her pride and confessing to the guy that she loves him. I mean to have that amount of courage, is just amazing. Fuck, I'm a chick too, get over it. I remember I did that kind of thing once, the whole confessing thing. And I know it's nerve-wrecking and it needs a lot of courage and just, you know, shows that you really love this person. Hell, I still love him now =P.

Anyway, I cried when I saw this movie. It's not tragically sad, it's happy ending in fact. But that's what makes it sad. Like, I'm sad cause how come it haven't happen to me. The whole fairy tale story. Maybe I should feel and be repress like Katherine Heigl's character first before I get happy ending and marry a guy like Kevin Doyle. Did I tell you his character is perfect? =P.

The second movie was an award-winning movie "Juno". On the whole, it was just great. I cried again, so many emotional scene there. But I don't think it was deep enough. Like the thing about Juno and Bleeker's friendship, I'd like to see it touches me like Hannah and Ben's relationship in "Secret Diary of a Call Girl." But I know maybe it's too much.

Anyway, I just love the whole thing about how great and supporting Juno's family was about her pregnancy, I wish there were a lot more family like that. And Juno's decision to keep her baby despite everything. And Vanessa's willingness to keep the baby, even though Mark, her husband, left her. It's a great movie, it touches you and it made me cry =P. Especially the scene where Juno gave birth.

So, here's a song from Moldy Peaches, the soundtrack of the movie.

Anyone Else But You

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

I'll kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train
I'll kiss you all starry eyed my body swingin' from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

Pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive
So why can't you forgive me
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

I will find my niche in your car
With my MP3, DVD, rumble pack guitar
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

You are always tryin' to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see im anyone else...
but you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else...
but you
But you...

Misleading Lady!!!

2008-04-15T09:54:00.004+07:00

Movie of The Week: Street Kings
Song of The Week: Eliot Minor - The White One Is Evil
Current Book: [still] A Long Way Down by: Nick Hornby

Yesterday was a good start for this week. I hope the rest of the week could go smoothly as yesterday.
Work was overloaded as usual, but I was able to handle them. Of course there was rain again. Didn't bring my jacket so I was freezing, naturally. On my way from office to campus, I decided to take a different train route. I thought it'd be nice to get there earlier, even tho it'd be slightly more complicated than my normal route. To be honest, I didn't really know this route, it's not new, I'm just not used to it. I know which station I should get off, I just don't know which one. I didn't know the order. It was dark and how nice of the train controller to NOT announce each station they stopped. So anyway, when I thought it was the right distance from the central station to the station close to my campus, I asked one of the passenger if it was the station I intend to get off on.

Me: Is this PS. Senen Station?
Lady: Yes, I think it is.

So I got off. And just as the train left, I looked around and saw the name of the station and realize my bad luck. Yup, I got off on the station BEFORE my intended station. Darn!
I was too tired to think, too soaked up from rain to even bother, so I put up my arm and hailed a cab. It's the easiest options, considering that it was just a station before my campus' station, it couldn't be that far of a distance. And I was right, it only took me about less than 20 minutes to reach my campus and Rp. 23.000 ($2.50).

When I got there, I went to look for my Accounting Exam score that they just put up and could only sigh. Just below average. F***!
But last night's lesson was fun. Too bad V wasn't there. I sat next to Adam and chatted with Prince Charming and Julian. I was in unusually good mood that I'm not being nothing like cynical, passive or rude. That's a record =P.

Another Blog Again. sigh

2007-11-20T09:06:00.000+07:00

I'm very gullible and easily persuaded and always wanting something new and hip...
This is another proof:
http://shambolicbaby.vox.com

Just so you know, I've retain myself from making another blog when I found out about Wordpress, but Vox...
Damn, all those tour about nice layouts and theme and all that... (Probably it's just me who can't help myself keeping my finger from registering to another blogging site).

Anyway, both are active, so hop on back and forth...

Yeah, It's me again, hot dude!

2007-11-15T11:07:00.000+07:00

Yesterday was the train incident...
You know, the one where it got a little disturbance but cause major mayhem (including me who was late for an hour, great!).
Anyway, I won't be criticizing about that anymore, since the result of the incident was that I get to meet "Vincent".
No, not the celebrity one.
He's my crush, we call him that because according to Vibhy, he kinda looked like "Vincent" (I don't know from which point of view, but don't I used to agreeing to everything she said =P).

Aside from that, the incident brought a little good luck for me, also because of these series of bad luck incident.
1. I woke up late. Not sure why, I just felt more exhausted than usual and my nose kept on running with mucus (bleugh!!! How uncomfortable!)
2. Because I woke up late, I ended up missing the train by a fraction of seconds. I got to the station and I saw the train going past me. It was bad and annoying =(. So I went to Bekasi station and took 7am train. It was late and slow. Thank God I met one of my co-worker there, so I'm not entirely alone.
3. Through the entire journey, the train kept on being held. Turns out there was a little trouble at the station ahead. We stopped at Manggarai with the rest of the other trains (including train from Depok and Jawa). As it turned out, my train was let go earlier than the other, so people from Depok train start pouring inside our train.

The last incident was the one that brought me good luck. Because of that, I got to meet "Vincent". We high-five'ed (or maybe he was just putting up his hand and I stupidly acknowledge that as high-five =P), talked a bit, dissed some people a bit.
Later the day at campus when all classes were done, me, V and Karina were hanging about waiting for a friend, we're hitching her car. When suddenly a motorbike passed in front of us and "Vincent" were pointing and shouting to me jokingly.
VincentOnMotorbike: "Hey! It's you again!!!" (as if he doesn't know me already).

I shot up to 7th heaven straight away.
I mean, from what I gather after I started to know him, he's not the type to say hello to stranger. And he's very broody most of the time, also a bit quiet. So, to me that's kinda an acknowledging gesture...

The stupidest, most distracting thing...

2007-11-12T22:35:00.000+07:00

Yeah okay it's not stupid...
Love is not stupid, though it does make you act stupid =(

Yesterday, I went shopping at the nearest mall. No intention whatsoever, I went jsut to get my hair done. And when I did, I loitered around the shopping centre [which is Matahari, if you live in Indonesia]. This crazy thought came when I saw the underwear section. I went, looked and decided to try-on one of them. No harm will be done, I don't intent to buy them anyway.

So, I got on the dressing room, tried it one. Looks good, but hell I've got no money. So I went out. Looked around and went straight back. As I spun back, this image flashed in my head... Like somehow I'm familiar with it...
Wait, hang-on!
Did I just see someone I know around the corner of my eyes?
Someone I see everyday?
Someone I potentially like?
Yup! He was there. At the Cashier near the dressing room. With his fiancee. I walked fast on the opposite direction. Away from him. Returned the underwear [which is a bra, mind you!], and walked away fast. I looked back, and saw him moving towards the place where I put back the bra that I tried.

OMG! This is so embarrassing. Not only one of my co-worker actually saw me trying on underwear. He's hot and I like him!
'Doh! I shall never go back to work anymore.

This morning, he came to my cubicle and surprised me with the fact that he knew I was there, he knew I was trying on bra and he even knew the colour of it.
Perfect!
What could be more embarassing?

Upi tried to call me a couple times last nite. I was already asleep. This afternoon I tried calling him back. Guess what? He left his mobile at home.
Dude, I want to talk to you badly...
In case you don't know, I miss you.

Save Me

2007-11-04T22:16:00.000+07:00

I want you to save me.
Take me away.
Claim me yours.
Just because you seem better than the rest.
Or maybe you're not.
Because I'm still hurting everytime you leave me.
Yet, it's still you I trust the most.

Syndrome.Overheard

2007-10-29T11:55:00.000+07:00

It's a great site this is...
And motivate me to write this next entry...

On Sunday me and my family went shopping. Not grocery shopping, but mall shopping. As we went inside on of the clothing store, I passed a guy holding a leather jacket and talking to his girlfriend,

ManHoldingJacket [MHJ]: what do you think of this?
Girlfriend: that's a nice jacket, it's not so bad on you. r u going to buy it?
MHJ: maybe, but it says "Harley Davidson" on the back side. I ride a Suzuki Shogun, d'you think they have they 1 that says "Suzuki Shogun"?

'Doh!!!

*Suzuki Shogun is one of Motorbike brand in Jakarta...

English? maybe not...

2007-10-27T10:26:00.000+07:00

Me n V are currently addicted to Nimbuzz.
That is chatting online with other peeps using ur mobile.

So, last night after a heavy dose of numbers and tables and cost accounting [that was some pretty painful exam I'll tell you], we went online. Our head was spinning, our eyes was so tired, our back hurts, overall, we were down exhausted, yet still the thumb will go on typing those chat messages =P.

we went together to one room we used to hang out and there were this user [forgot their nick] who was saying 'hi' to us, let's say his nickname was IknoeEng

IknoeEng: hey
Me: hey
Me: How u doing?
IknoeEng: chatting with you
[at this time I shot an irritated look to V]

Na: u noe wat, if I ask him "What r u doing?", I bet he'll answer "I'm fine thanx"
V: u r so random!

It's really a great time-waster reading how these peeps write their English [and I'm not being snobbish =P, It was an easy question.]

Train's Bad Day...

2007-10-25T14:13:00.000+07:00

let me just take this moment to swear to the train today
ahhhh...... ($^%^$#&^(&)($$^%$^&*!@!@##@%$^

yeah, that really take the edge off... not!

since last nite, the train has been acting off, getting on my nerves. and I thought it was just the cheap ones, the economic class. well, I was a bit late for the 6 o'clock train. but I thought 'last time I took the 6 past train wasn't so bad.' so I went and bought the ticket, not minding the fact that the business class train looked so comfy and 'inviting' =P

but still on, the train don't come... I looked around and thought 'I'd have me-self a couple to bite,' and went on to buy something to eat. and the train still doesn't come... I finished my food, went around to look for the trash bin [and couldn't find it, so it's really not my fault that I litter yea?!], and the train still hevn't come...

I look at the time it's almost 7pm and I was getting more nervous by the minute. my exam starts at 7. and then comes the train...
i fought my way in, hit a couple of people, stepped on a couple of foot, got myself a nice corner only to be dissappointed by the train officer telling that the train has broken down "wooottt?!?!?!"

then came the 2nd train, just as full. but I have to get on it for the exam. so I went and thought hopefully this will have a lighter passenger. but, no!!! it get worse. and the train had to wait for another 15 mins before it goes off. F@#*!!!
and to add on my misery, it got more and more full by each station we stopped. God, no!

at last, I made it out of the train after again hitting a couple of people, stepping on couple of foot, getting cynical stare from many, many pair of eyes. just so you know, I was late for exam, but thank God they still let me in. guess wad, it's on th 4th floor without elevators! it's really getting me down =(

and today I was late, AGAIN because a train broke down and closed my train's way. I got at the office at 9.30am. fabulous! ain't life wonderful?

tho, Upi just called *grin* and 'front guy' sat next to me. yeay!!

scary...

2007-10-24T10:37:00.000+07:00

this is very random entry that I'm going to post...

the ast manager of one of the division in my office laughs like a devil...

honestly,

like that
"bwahohoho"

it's really stupid, but I'm really bored =P

2007-10-07T10:43:00.000+07:00

And I realized I still trust you with all my heart...
The three words statement I couldn't say that moment when you look me in the eyes.
Contains that dreaded, most-avoided word. Love.
I let you go. Again. Just for you to come and say:
"She's just not my type."
It only happen in my twisted mind. Yet, so real and hurting.
Congratz, now you even hurt me in my dream.
You really are the angel from my nightmare.
The beautiful thorned roses.
The delightful bitter taste of a sweet wine.
Here I am, waiting for your change.
I guess now I know why I always avoid those flattery from other men.
Because you haven't close that door you opened 2 years ago.

Drug Addict.Nu Job.Effin Exhausting

2007-09-28T23:14:00.000+07:00

sorry it's been like forever...

got a job... the office is far [as I've been told by the zillionth people that asked where my office is]. But so far so good. Great co-workers. Great environment. Great money? well, it's so-so. Anyhow, my life has been basically just in between office and campus.

and as for entertainment, I surrender to the British's Most Adorable, Talented, Irresistible Recovering Junkie a.k.a Pete Doherty.
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How could you just not fell in love with him. Aside from the fact that he's the most notorious man in England. What with his drug problem, failed to show-up at gigs, messed-up romance with the hottest model in UK, and uncountably caught red handed with the worst fashion sense ever, he's still amazingly charming.

I tried to put it in my head that he's just a bad junkie. But every time I see Babyshambles' new video 'Delivery', it gets really hard not to notice his lovable aura. Man, ain't love blind =P.

Anyway, Babyshambles are going to release a new album [I don't know how they managed to record considering the fact that Pete's in trouble every other day =P]. I hope it gets thru to Indonesia... I really want to hear it, they said it has a more grown-up sound but still maintain the traditional Babyshambles [a.k.a England] sound.
Pete was also rumoured planning on releasing solo album. I bet it also gonna sound great. I mean I admire his work. They're all great. It may sound uncatchy at first, but as time goes, it kinda grew on you and left you wanting more of the songs =P. how very poetic I am =P

So, check out Delivery and French Dog Blues from Babyshambles' new album Shotter's Nation

De BacritZ r baCk!

2007-09-16T02:07:00.000+07:00

It's the 3rd day of fasting in Ramadhan. Thank God, things have been working pretty well. Haven't lost much weight yet, hopefully will lose some by the end of the month =P.

Anyway, yesterday we were scheduled to shoot for a new quiz. Of course when I was offered to participate I asked if the same old crew a.k.a De BacritZ will also be there. And V said they will. I was really looking forward for it. So, when I came to V's house yesterday afternoon, much expectation were building up. There were Jimmy, Joe, Monty, Upu, Alex and a couple of others.

We had to wait for about 2 1/2 hours before they let us in, and that was just for briefing. The shooting starts after Maghrib =(. But we filled the time with much laughter and stupidity and taking silly pictures. As usual =P. It made me remember last year's summer when I spent most of it with them and realized that it's been too long since the last time we all together had this much fun and togetherness.

I was set-up to stand/sit next to Jimmy and had to face his stupid jokes and silly comments all night long. It was draining my energy, apart from the fact that the shooting itself had been really tiring. But when you drain your energy by laughing so hard your stomach ache, it's better than nothing at all.

All in, we were there for almost 12 hours. And I haven't eaten any rice since God knows when =(. But to see and hang around and have fun with De BacritZ, nothing compares to that =).

$((&(%^$^(&#$%#&^*

2007-08-27T12:00:00.000+07:00

That is me being angry like hell!
I don't know which I should be angry mostly to, the fact that Indonesian TV station don't have enuff money to buy the EPL license thingies or the way those snobbish English ppl from EPL raise the license thingies price way too high [did u get my point?], or the fact that my dad just won't be sorry for his little daughter and buy Astro cable.

Anyway, all of them resulting in me not seeing Lamps' performance which is on strike. He had scored for Chelsea thrice in a row and one for England. One is a penalty kick when Chelsea played against Liverpool. The other two was against Reading [16 August] and Portsmouth just last weekend on 25 August.

All his goals were amazing. And I'm crying my eyes off from not being able to see those matches. Of course I can still see the goal highlights online, but the feeling isn't the same as seeing the whole match and be surprised that he scored. The euphoria itself must be exhilarating. He is in top form, top performance, top look [well he is always handsome undoubtedly =P] and I'm unable to see him play. No wonder he divorced me. Football has been like a drought season this year in this country. I'm so sad that the only football I can see is Liga Calcio... =(

Speakin' of which, last nite I dream of Lampard [yeap, my hunger of him has seeped into my unconsciousness =P]. I was in London [or maybe anywhere in England] watching his match [Chelsea that is] with a friend. Strangely she wasn't Vibhy.
Anyway, she confessed to know Lamps personally and in between the match, she went up to Lamps and told him that a friend of her [meaning me] has a crush on him and like to meet up. So, after the game, Lamps came up to me [I was practically sitting on the stadium row and he walked up to me =)] and ask me if I want to come with him to the dressing room with everybody else too. God!!!

So I went with him and we talked. And he was being so amazingly fit and calm and just perfect [doesn't everybody seemed so in our dream =P]. And he said:
"I'm sorry, we're supposed to go out for dinner, but this club meeting just came up. Will u wait for me outside?"

[Shocked!]

...and that's when I woke up. Darn!

Didn't get the chance to have dinner with him I guess =(. And it left me tickled pink, smitten, infatuated, u name it =P

Off the topic, I've got my first Extension class this afternoon. The class starts at 18.30 PM till around 9ish. I don't know how it's going to be like [studying at night that is], I don't even have a clue to imagine or expect what the class would be like. We'll just have to wait and see.

Yudisium.Nu Addiction.Separation

2007-08-21T23:04:00.000+07:00

Since about a week ago, around the time when I'm really really into CSI: Las Vegas, Vibhy was also into CSI: New York. She told me she was in love with Eddie Cahill [the guy who played the Detective in CSI: NY]. I was curious. All this time, I had no interest whatsoever towards the other series of CSI. I was focused on CSI: Las Vegas alone.

One time, I went around her place and CSI: NY was just playing. I spend my time watching in a few minutes and got interested in an instant. So I borrowed the DVD [season 1] from Vibhy. And fell in love instantly with Danny Messer [played by Carmine Giovinazzo.

Isn't he adorably bad-boyish???
He smokes, plays golf and looked casually relaxed all the time. He has a very distinct New York accents and always had this bad-boy image on every pictures.

Anyway, that's my newest addiction. Besides of course surfing You Tube for The Libertines or Babyshambles or Arctic Monkeys videos.

Another thing, I just attended Yudisium at my campus. We had the hold Faculty there [including S1, Ekstensi and S2 graduates]. It was a very long and tiring day [plus lack of fluid and wind]. But very fun indeed.

We also went out today. Me, Angel, Eson, Shelie, Adi, Marlin and Ika. We ate out @ Solaria, Margo City. And had fun taking silly pictures @ the parking lot. How stupid =P. We tried to spend each free time together coz we know we won't have this much fun anymore, since we're going different way for our Extension Course. Angel, Eson n Adi choose to take the Course at Depok, whereas Me, Ika n Sheli prefer to study at Salemba. We won't be seeing each other as much as we did [of course, we were together in the same class every friggin' day for the past 3 years, nothin beats that =P].

Of course we promised to keep on meeting occasionally. But still, I'm gonna miss being with them.
We haven't had our Summer Holiday Outing like last year tho. Last year we went to Dufan. Which was really awesome. This year, we were so busy with graduation and whatnot that we didn't have time to plan an outing. Hopefully we'll have a small one before the course starts at 27 August [I know, that's very early =(. What can we do?]

Jason Bourne is Matt Damon is HOT!!!

2007-08-12T21:23:00.000+07:00

Just watched Bourne Ultimatum today with mom...
Have to say, Matt Damon is probably the best Hollywood actor there is... He's not overrated, family-man, down-to-earth, talented, funny, not in the tabloids much, wad more can u ask? Unlike Brad Pitt =P.

And the movie itself was good. A very good ending to fit the whole series. I'm sad tho, no more movie with Matt Damon as the lead star =(. Of course I also just watched The Good Shepherd where he starred with Angelina Jolie [gag! =P]. Great movie, very serious but good overall. Other Damon's movie I really want to watch is The Talented Mr. Ripley. He's such a great actor, he can play many different roles. Never seen him as the bad guy tho...

Well, let's hope he'll make many more good movies for year to come...
Matt Damon is HOT =P